20 Years Later. I Still Miss You.

Dear Little One,

You would be 20 this month. I can not believe it has been that long.  I can't believe I am old enough to have a 20-year-old.

20 years since I learned that a culmination of bad choices had led to a sweet child growing inside of me.

I wept when I learned of you.  I immediately wondered what my parents would say.  What would people think?  What would your father say and do? What am I going to do?   I confess, for a mere minute or 2 I considered abortion, but quickly realized I would never be able to do that.  For a few hours I considered adoption, but I realized that while I had no idea how I would care for you.........I wanted YOU!

I was 19 years old.   I had a mediocre job at a bank. I had my own car.  I had just finished  my first year of college (It wasn't pretty, but I finished it).   I thought I had all the answers.  I was living life my way.

The following weeks were a snowball of consequences for my choices.  Within days of learning of you, I had lost my job.  I had told my parents of you, thus breaking their hearts. We told my family and then our church, leaving many people hurt and angry. And then.......

I began to cramp while at a friends house.  I had never felt such pain.  I had not been to a Dr.  No one told me that cramping while pregnant wasn't good. Then I began to bleed.

I honestly don't remember all the events of the hours that followed.  I only remember that  I was told I had miscarried you.  I didn't believe it.  I thought somehow you were still growing inside me.  They had made a mistake.

How do you mourn someone you have never met?  How do you love so deeply a child you never saw or got to hold?  I did, though.  I still do.  I miss you.

I think of you often.

I have always thought you are a boy;  though I never gave you a name.

I know now that your short time with me was not wasted.  God used you, and the loss of you, to turn my heart back to Him. It was one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. Through the loss of you, He placed women in my life who invested in me and taught me so much about my loving Father. It was the turning point for me.  It was my rock bottom.

I didn't change overnight.  It was a grueling process. I had to let go of so many things, not just you.

I began to learn how to have a relationship with my Jesus. You changed me.  I believe He allowed you to be conceived and lost so that I would see my deep need for Him. He changed me.

There have been 4 more babies since you were conceived.  2 are still with me and 2 are with you.

I wonder if you 3 know each other.  Do you spend time with each other?  I wonder often how Heaven works with babies that pass away.

I still have the baby booties that the pregnancy center gave me when they told me of you.  I hang them on the Christmas tree every year.  I think of you.  I miss you.  I tell your sisters about you.

I am a mother of 5.  I long for the day when we are all together.  I can't wait to finally hold you and see your sweet face. I want to see and hold your siblings that you have gotten to know, but I haven't.  Until that day, rest in the arms of Jesus.

20 years, baby.  I still miss you.

Love,
Momma