She Is 8 Today

I am 100% sure God knew what He was doing when He put my babies' birthdays so close together(on the calender, they are 5 yrs apart), but I can tell you it can be a bit difficult on this mommies heart. Actually they were both due on the exact same day (Nov 7th) neither made it to that day, and I am thankful they don't share a birthday.
Many of you may know our story of how we came to have our 2nd miracle baby, since some of you may not I will share.  When Megan was around 2 we decided we wanted to add to our family.  Since we got pregnant so quickly after we married we assumed this would be an easy thing.....God had other plans.  I had my second miscarriage  when Megan was around a year and a half (my first miscarriage was before Megan)  in a time when we were not trying to have another baby and it was difficult, but I chose to try to put it out of my mind.  We had Megan after all.  So when I got pregnant again shortly after we decided we wanted another and began spotting the same day we found out I rushed to the Dr. who told me it was already too late. I was having my 3rd miscarriage. My heart was crushing in all around me.  NOT AGAIN!!!!  The Dr. scheduled me for a D and C that next evening and I felt numb.  I worried that maybe the baby was ok and we should not go through with the procedure.  He and others assured me the baby was already gone, but the procedure was necessary. By the time I came out of surgery and recovery they told me with such apology that the only empty beds were in the mother/baby area....REALLY GOD?!?!?!  You want me to recover tonight on a floor where all these women are holding their babies and I am mourning the loss of yet another?????????  My parents were there waiting for me and as they wheeled me in the room my dad asked me if I was ok and did I need anything?  I said NO I was not ok and I needed to go home.  The nurse said in order to go home I had to be able to get up on my own and go to bathroom without assistance.  I said "bring me some water"  I was getting out of there! There was no way I would stay overnight in this environment.
From there my heart was slow to heal and we tried for 2 more years, but there were no more pregnancies. My heart became hard and bitter and angry at God.  This would be the time I began to struggle with anxiety.  We tried shots and other things to assist the process anything short of In Vitro we tried it. My Dr. (who is amazing by the way) decided to run some tests and figure out what was going on.  We learned that I have Anti-cardiolipin antibodies in my blood (it is in the lupus family) which means my blood tends to clot.  When I am pregnant I can get blood clots that cause miscarriages.  (add that to the low progesterone I also have). Getting pregnant and staying pregnant with this is incredibly difficult and the risks get higher with every pregnancy and every miscarriage. I was in a full out fight with God now.  Thankfully, He didn't give up on me.  In depression and anxiety I knew I had to do something to change for my husband and for the child God had already gifted me with. I began to diligently search God's Word for verses on Trust and His Faithfulness.  I HAD to believe He was trustworthy and He was Faithful.  In the last yr of our 2 and 1/2 yrs of trying for another baby and watching other women have babies God proved to me He is exactly who He says He is and He will do exactly what He says He will do.  I HAD to come to the place where if He never gave us another baby I would still love Him, and I would still choose to serve Him.  It was one of the sweetest places yet most difficult places in my walk with my Jesus I have ever been.  The peace He gave me was unimaginable.  We, Rick and I, decided it was time to stop the shots and hormone pills and give away all the baby stuff we were hanging on to. A few weeks later WE WERE PREGNANT!!!!!!! (This was all before the "Facing The Giants" movie, but I assure you tears were streaming for both Rick and I when we saw it because we could have personally written that part of the story)        
I rushed to the Dr as soon as I saw the positive sign, the ultrasound showed things looked well, but we weren't taking chances we began that nasty progesterone immediately for 12 weeks.  Added to that, this time I would be giving myself blood thinner shots in my abdomen 3x a day.  Other than being sick the whole time again and the shots the pregnancy went smoothly. Because of my history of a positive strep test and a breaking up placenta my Dr. decided we needed to induce early.  On October 27th 2003 we met our second (and final) miracle baby Erika Hope Landess.  She was named Erika after Rick and Hope because we had put all of our hope in our Amazing God.                     
She has been a momma's girl from day 1.  She is feisty and hilarious.  She tends to be a bit fearful like me and God is teaching me so that I can teach her. She has an amazing passion for her family, she hates arguments she desperately wants her family to get along and love each other. She thinks Megan hung the moon.  Her salvation means a lot to her and she wants to do what God wants her to.  She keeps us rolling in the floor with laughter wondering where in the world she comes up with these things.  She is the gift we thought we would never receive and had learned to accept.  I am so crazy glad God chose to intrust her to Rick and I.  She is affectionate and compassionate, a peacemaker and the very thing this family needed to complete it. She is proof that God IS forgiving, faithful, and trustworthy.
Daddy and I love you so much baby!  Happy 8th Birthday Erika Hope!!!

How Can She Possibly Be 13????

Rick and I had been married 6 months when we found out we were pregnant.  We were not overly surprised but extremely excited. Excitement turned to fear pretty quickly.  Having already had one miscarriage the Dr. was very thorough and found my HCG levels were low and I could be having another miscarriage. The first miscarriage rocked my world in a huge way, but that is a long story for another day (if I ever get to the point I want to share). Needless to say we were scared.  The Dr. put me on progesterone...it dissolves under your tongue and is disgusting! I took it for 12 weeks and it worked those HCG levels came up but I was one sick girl for my entire pregnancy!!   At  my 37 week check up we found out I tested positive on the Strep test .  It was nothing I had done or not done but it could be serious for the baby so I would need antibiotics for the final 2 weeks. At 37 1/2 weeks though, at around 9pm on a Tuesday,  I started having contractions and we called our Dr.  He was already at the hospital and asked us to come down and let him check and see how things were.  More scary news...my placenta was breaking up and we would need to induce, but that could be a bit of an issue since I hadn't been on the antibiotic long enough.

He admitted me, upped my antibiotics and started pitocin.  I won't give you the long dramatic (gross to some) story.  The short version is, by midnight we had started the process and I had decided I didn't want to have a baby anymore HA I was scared out of my mind.  I didn't sleep all night and by mid morning Wednesday the real pain started.  We called for the epidural which I received, sadly it only worked for about an hour and then it was gone. Natural childbirth was NEVER in my birth plan but that sure is what I got. I had one of the other Dr.s in the practice since my baby decided to come after my Dr went home to sleep. HE WAS HORRIBLE!! (He also got fired shortly after, but again that is a whole other story).  I was in labor for 23 hours and FINALLY we got to meet Megan Christine Landess, 5 lbs 7 oz and 19 inches long, the most perfect little baby.  She came out peeing on the Dr. and when we told her all this she said it was because he was so horrible to her mom.  Right ON!!!!

We were immediately so in love with this little person!!  The worries were not over yet though.  She also came out just kinda coughing not really crying and she was quite blue. Right before she delivered they had called SO many people into our room it was crazy.  We got to hold her for a few minutes and then they whisked her out of there. They kept her for the remainder of the night.  The next morning when they brought her in they said she would be ok, but her lungs were a little under developed. We learned from this experience and many more nothing would come the easy way with Megan. ;)
My little girl would have several health issues over the next couple of years (nothing incredibly major) and a couple of near death experiences.  So you can understand why we tell her all the time God has an amazing plan for her life.  She should have never been conceived, or survived the first trimester (we would learn that many years later) in the first place. If you know her you know she is an AMAZING person.  She is shy at first but once she knows you she is fun and hilarious.  She is incredibly tenderhearted especially towards someone who is being picked on.  She is protective of her family.  She loves Jesus and desires to do better for Him.  She is incredibly smart and inquisitive. She has no problem helping others at school, but she has no patience for people taking advantage of her and she stands up for what is right.  She won't let people talk bad about others or treat her with disrespect.
She isn't perfect we have our struggles.  She is very much like me when I was her age.  The difference is she will say the things I only thought.  We go head to head A LOT.   On the other hand though, we also talk a lot about what is going on in her life.  I am not naive, I know for everything she tells me there is so much more she doesn't.  I will take what she gives me though.  I want her to know I am her biggest fan and loudest cheerleader and her prayer warrior. I have made a lot of big mistakes with Megan, all of which I wish I could take back.  I haven't always been a good Mommy to her, but she is always forgiving and we push on together.
God did an amazing thing when He created Megan.  He did an amazing thing when He allowed Rick and I to be her parents.  She is one of our miracle babies and we don't take that lightly.
She is turning 13 today and my heart tightens at the thought.  We only have 5 or so years with her.  How is it possible that that little baby that was peeing on the Dr. is now a teenager???? I have always said it is exciting to see who she will grow up to be, but now I just wish I could stop the clock or even turn it back. Since I can't do either I pray that I will take the good and the bad that these years have to give and cherish every moment of it.  I don't want to be one of those parents that says they hate having teenagers, I don't have any doubt it can be hard at times but so was every other stage of her life. This is just a new stage and I want to hang on as tight as I can while I'm learning that I have to begin to let go and let her become her own person. Happy Birthday precious Megan!!!  I love you so much and I'm excited to see all that you become!

Worship At The Well

If it is possible to have a week from hell (sorry if that is offensive, but it is the truth!) and have a close walk with my Savior and my husband at the same time that has been the case for me the last 2 weeks.
My anxiety is out of control right now and I am at pretty confused and frustrated about it.  I know the Truth, I know Who has my future and the future of my family, I know the irrationality of my fears somehow I just can't get my mind, heart, soul, and body to link up lately.  Usually when I hit this point I feel like God is absent and my husband just doesn't get it and so he doesn't want to talk about it.  This time though, God has been as close as I have ever felt Him to be, His words of love, acceptance and grace have been whispered lovingly into my ear daily, each moment. My husband has walked with me also speaking words of love and acceptance, next to my Savior he is my rock. He has let me know that I'm not as crazy as I think I am and God is bigger than all of this.  This morning he suggested I blog about The Well,  our new ministry at Hixson First Baptist.  I said that was pretty personal and I didn't think I wanted to do that.  He said "You don't have to publish it, but write about it anyway."  I decided after my quiet time I would, because maybe someone out there will benefit.  Maybe it will just help me today to be a little more real with myself and with others.
I won't lie when I first heard about The Well I was skeptical, and critical.  I struggled with several things about it.  I prayed a lot about it.  Spoke to a couple people about it.  Spoke to my husband about it. I decided that I was gonna give this a fair shot and if I stopped going it would only be because God lead me away.
God is pretty amazing, He knows my pride, He knows my struggles, He knows that change can be hard even when it was something we said we wanted, He knows what we need and He always gives it in HIS time.
God knew that these last 2 weeks were gonna be so insanely tough.  He knew my heart would be crying out to Him for help. He knew what I needed.
The worship was awesome.  Everything I thought it would be, everything I thought I wouldn't like about The Well....IT WAS NOT THERE.  The music hit me right where I needed it. From "You are Peace when my fear is crippling.....Oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms.  The riches of Your love will always be enough.  Nothing compares to Your embrace.  Light of the world forever reign." To a song that was new to me. Song of Moses by Chris Moerman (who led worship) he talked about a part in the song where it says God is our Mighty Warrior.  He said we think of Jesus as gentle holding a lamb..and He is that but He is also our Mighty Warrior.  OH I NEEDED THAT last night!  To know that God isn't just sitting back saying "Its ok" and patting me on the head, He is actively fighting for me!  "Oh praise You Lord our Mighty Warrior. Praise you Lord the Glorious One.  By His hand we stand in victory.  By His name we overcome."
The message Chris gave around the song, his call for us to be a part of worship because we didn't come to a concert but we came to be participants in worship to our God, the message from Bro. Myron about worship....it was all nothing what I expected and everything I needed.  Conviction, worship, mercy and love.
I'm excited about what God is doing through The Well, not just in Wednesday night worships, but the upcoming small groups, missions projects and prayer groups.  I'm excited about what God is going to do in my heart and I'm looking for how He is going to use me and my family.  I know Satan is attacking not just me, but others too and I'm looking to my Mighty Warrior, I'm running to His arms...I know HE WILL STAND IN VICTORY!  I want to be a part of that!!!!  I want others to be a part of it with us.  It is Wednesdays at 6:30, come see what God is doing in the people of Hixson First Baptist.

Fat Is An Ugly Word.

Today I have my Erika home with me.  She isn't sick I know that now.  She gets up a lot of mornings and says she doesn't feel good usually I talk her through it and off she goes.  Today though I let her stay with me.
I left her laying on the couch so I could have my quiet time.  When I came back to check on her she was having some goldfish and laughing at a show.  She seemed fine.
So I asked her to mute the T.V. and lets talk.
I have noticed that she has been bit of a worry wart since the tornadoes in April, but it hasn't just been towards storms.  I told her I noticed she gets a tummy ache almost every morning and when I told her she could stay home today it went right away so it seems she is getting nervous about going to school.  I had it in my mind my girl must be getting bullied, or was struggling in some way in class.  What she said shocked me and broke my mommy heart!
She is afraid that people are gonna make fun of her because she is "fat" (her words not mine).  I asked her if people WERE making fun of her or if that is what she thinks.  There have been a few snide comments, but mostly she said she THINKS that is what people are thinking of her especially new people she doesn't know.
We spoke for a little longer then I came to my room to sit with my Jesus with my thoughts.  At first I was SO angry at our society that would teach any girl, but especially girls who are SO young, about body image. That my 7 yr old would use the word fat in description of herself and it has her all tore up.
Then my thoughts shifted, I realized I have taught my daughter 2 things that are not valuable to her in any way.  How to worry and how to over eat.  Two things I am skilled at, two things I never wanted to pass down to my children.
I sat and talked with the only One who knows and understands my heart on this matter.  The One who understands that what I want to do with worry and food I do not do.  The One who created me, my Megan and my Erika.  The One who understands a woman/girls struggle with self image. The One who tells us all we are beautiful, because HE created us. The One who knows how much I want to shift the tide for myself and my girls both with weight and worry.  The ONLY ONE who can make those changes in and through us.
So this morning I poured out my heart to Him.  I asked for His forgiveness for my failure in these areas.  I told Him I have no idea how to move forward for all 4 of us, but I want to.  As much as I want it for myself and Rick I want it SO MUCH more for my precious girls.

Overflow Of The Heart

I love to read, I love my shows, I love movies, and I love music.  Every once in a while though God has to get my attention and tell me to evaluate how I'm spending my time. To consider what I am putting into my heart and mind. It hasn't been a once or twice conviction..it happens a lot.
I have learned the tell-tell signs to know I'm spending too much time in one of these 4 areas, but I'm sure God will show me other ways to know I'm "out of bounds".
For shows and movies there is always the convicting "Would you watch this with your children". I try to always be careful of what is going into my children's minds, but the last several months I have become more and more convicted of what is going into my mind and heart. DTWS has been one of my favorite shows, it should really embarrass me to tell you that!! Women (read in there ME and my daughter) struggle enough with body image without the help of half naked, nearly perfect women on my T.V.  The talk they use to analyze the dances..the sexier the better. These should have all sent me running years ago.  It took blatant homosexuality flaunted on the show to give me the push.  I'm disappointed with my choices, I'm confidant my Jesus is too.
One of the other tell-tell signs I have learned in the last year when it comes to movies and shows....We love detective shows.  It got to the point though where I had set shows I watched at night and re-runs of other shows I watched during the day while doing house work.  I became sad, depressed, unsettled, angry, having out-burst.  When shows were over or Rick was still watching and I would try to sleep I couldn't sleep. Sometimes anxiety would take over other times I would just be so restless and have nightmares.  I knew I was watching too much death, kidnappings, and just shows with a lack of respect for human life. I had to do a serious cut back and when those feelings come back I know to think about what I'm watching.
Music...I love me some country music but lets face it you have to be careful.  When I catch myself singing that song and paying attention to the words....and gasp, was I really singing that WITH MY KIDS?!?!?!?  I know then way to much secular music has made it's way into our day recently. I love worship music and I love to sing with my kids I have to be the parent and make sure that is what is pumping through our speakers.
Books, oh goodness I love to read!!!!!  It is my escape. That's the problem.  I learned years ago that I can  read very little non-Christian fiction.  I don't want the cussing, the sex, and the ungodly story lines. So I switched to Christian fiction.  I still have to be careful though.  Too much reading, even Christian books, and I will check out of my life and into a "happily ever after world".
The Bible says in Matthew 12:34 "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks"  When I'm reading all these touchy-feely books  A LOT I find myself getting moody, unhappy with how my life is, unhappy in my marriage, unhappy with my kids, unhappy because reality stinks.  The result is unhappy things coming out of my mouth, undeserved anger at my husband and kids and my friends. Let's be honest we love the "Cinderella" story, but we know it isn't our life so to get sucked into someone elses "life" feels good (even if we can tell ourselves it's just a book). Then when our life doesn't go along with the "happily ever after" we get unhappy in our day to day stuff/routine/life.
  I have had to learn to make getting into God's Word a priority.  Then find a balance between Christian fiction, devotionals, and books that will help my Christian walk.
I have not come even close to mastering any of these areas, it is a work in progress, my guess is it always will be. I get the right and the wrong choices out of balance often and God has to send me those tell-tell signs I was telling you about to get my attention.
This is what has been on my mind and heart lately...what heart overflow is coming out of my mouth????
What has your attitude been like lately?  Does it have anything to do with what you listen to, watch, or read?
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think on THESE things."  Philippians 4:8

Remembering

Like most of you I am remembering things from 10yrs ago.  Whether I want to or not (thanks media) "that day" is staring me down.  I have had a rough week.  Headaches, a low fever, struggling with my thoughts and I told my husband, "I have no idea what is going on!".  He just said, " I think it is the day on the calendar" and suddenly I knew he was right and why my mind is at war this week.

I know we all have "our story" of where you were and how you heard the news and what you did in response.  Allow me a minute to tell you mine, I will shorten it.  2001 was the year I began battling anxiety,but regardless of fear I knew when I heard about a missions trip I was supposed to go. On Sept. 10th 2001 I boarded a plane with many others from our church to meet an even larger group in Romania for a 10 day missions trip.  On Sept. 11, after we landed in Hungary, we loaded a bus for our drive into Romania. We were told they were not planning to make any stops so you can imagine our surprise when we did stop.  They told us what was going on back home, they took a "vote" and asked who wanted to go back home and who wanted to stay and do what we came for (we had no idea at that point we had no choice but to stay) I was the only one who voted to go home! :)

I was scared out of my mind, but Rick and I know that God had me in Romania for a reason...to learn a valuable lesson in "Will You Trust ME???"  God opened doors to talk to people..they wanted to know how we were still there when our country was under attack.  God worked mightily in my life, I learned a lot about how trustworthy my Heavenly Father is.

Fast Forward 10yrs, I still have not read the newspaper my husband bought for me on Sept 12th to give me an idea of what it was like here at home.  I still can not watch a 9/11 special with out crying and shaking uncontrollably and I usually will leave the room. I still remember like it was yesterday.
Today I am leaving to go on an over night Women's Retreat.....leaving just like I did 10yrs ago.  It isn't nearly as far and God and I have come a long way in the Trust department, but I still struggle.  Satan is attacking and I have found myself literally at war in my mind to go on this retreat and not stay home in my "safe place" (as if there really is any such thing). Here I am at another "Will you trust ME????" lesson.
So here is what I read 2 days ago in my quiet time in a book I have been reading Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There by Ruth Graham:

"'Unwavering trust is a rare and precious thing because it often demands a degree of courage that borders on the heroic.' How does it feel to trust God in a storm more forceful than any we've ever known?  It feels crazy.  It feels out of control.  That's why the disciples couldn't do it.  Trusting God is not for wimps.  Waiting in faith to encounter God's power is tough.  If we hope to fare better than the disciples, then we will have to keep returning with determination to the character of God.  (my note: she is referring to the passage where the disciples and Jesus are in the boat, a storm rolls in and Jesus is sleeping and the disciples are panicking) We must drill down to the bedrock of who God is and make it our priority to know Him. God longs for us to know His character so we can live resting in our storms, expecting His power, and trusting Him for tomorrow."

SO...I will go on this retreat and I may struggle the whole time I am there, but I will keep going back to what I know about WHO MY GOD IS! I will go back to the scriptures He has taught me to bring me through.  I will choose to trust His character!
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 
2 Corinthians 12:9

Growing Up A Myers

Lately I have been reflective about family and growing up and where we are now.
Life as a Myers....my parents were married when they were both 19 yrs old. ~ 40 yrs ago this December.  They were living in Tx. where John and I were born.  Dad was working as an electrician when he was called to the ministry.  So they packed us up and moved to Chattanooga, TN to go to Tn Temple Univ. My dad said that the plan was to finish school and go back to TX, but add 2 more kids, school taking longer than he thought (school by day, work by night) and settling into a church God would later call him to pastor and we never left.
I always said I was still a Texan and as soon as I got old enough I was moving back....I'm still here :) I'm the only one of the 6 of us who is still here, we are spread out all over the place and maybe that is why there are times when I think about the word "family" and MY family and reminisce about when we were all still under the same roof.
4 of us...John, me, David and Carolyn...we could fight oh my goodness we could fight, but we sure weren't gonna let other people pick on one of us.  We could laugh too, we all had our friends but we knew how to have a good time together too.  Being preacher's kids we got a lot of "stuff" thrown our way and it was really tough at times. Money was tight but my parents kept us in private Christian school..looking back I have no idea how they did that.  We moved a lot.  We changed schools several times.  "Vacation" was going to Texas for a week to see family. We spent a lot of time at the church....events, revivals, cleaning, setting up, tearing down, locking up/last to leave, looking for someone's lost purse or keys.  People called at all hours and even while we were on "vacation".  Christmas and birthdays were special days a lot times you got what you needed..a slip, underwear, socks, church clothes, shoes..and a couple of things you may have wanted. We didn't have a house full of family.  It was almost always just the 6 of us...Christmas my mom still cooked a big meal and birthdays you got to pick dinner of your choice and open presents. There were a few parties here and there but mostly it was just us.  At Christmas my parents would take us to the dollar store in the mall and give us each $5 to buy gifts for the other family members one parent would go in with a child and the other would stand outside the store and wait.  We thought this was so much fun!
I honestly didn't wish these things were different.  I didn't think much about them, it just was the way things were, I assumed everyone was the same way.
There were other things I wished I could have differently and I must admit I was ungrateful a lot. I know now that things we did have were sacrifices for my parents.  I know now that the very things I said I would never say or do as a parent are the things I say and do the most. I know now that my parents did the very best they could with what they knew to do.  I know now that my parents loved Jesus and tried to exemplify that in their life. I know now that my parents weren't perfect and never claimed to be.
I try to tell my girls to love each other deeply because some day your parents will be gone and you will be each others family. I know now I miss my siblings deeply.  I know now that I am jealous of people who have their family all around them and they see each other all the time.  I know now that I didn't realize when everyone moved away it would be so hard to stay connected.
When one of my kids says to me "I wish I had a different family" I always say "Take it up with God, He put you right where He knew you needed to be.  Tell HIM you think He made a mistake and see what He says!"  I remember feeling the same way at times growing up (sorry Mom and Dad), but really who hasn't?? 
NOW, though, I know I was right where HE wanted me, with the people HE knew I needed to be with.  The hard times, the fun times, the times of tears and the times of laughter have made me who I am. I am very thankful God allowed me to grow up a Myers.  I love you Dad, Mom, John, David, and Carolyn!!