Be Still

A little less than a year ago there was a whole lot going on in our family.  Not that there isn't a lot going on now, but last year it was a different kind of "a lot".  Most of it very few people knew about.  Our family, Rick and I specifically, were in the midst of spiritual warfare that was tougher than any we had been through in our marriage. Our marriage has seen it's share of issues just like any other, but that wasn't what was happening.  In fact, through it all last year, our marriage has come out stronger than ever.  The battle was strong and the oppression seemed stronger.

I remember sometime last spring telling Rick that I felt like I was constantly fighting.  Fighting the kids, fighting with him, fighting against Satan.  I told him I felt like the warfare was too much and I was war weary.  He spoke wisdom to me that day (have I ever told you how much I love that man??) and it was exactly what I needed.  He said "I understand what you are saying, but God doesn't ask you to always fight.  Sometimes He wants you to be still and let Him fight for you."  I can be a bit of an arguer and I like to have the last word.  I tried to come back with something, but I had nothing I had to let that sink in and let his words of wisdom wash over me.

There are times I KNOW I am called into battle.  I have told you about that  before.  I had not considered up to that point that God not only doesn't  need me to fight, he doesn't always want me to fight.  I have spent a lot of time in this past year learning the difference between the two.  I have spent time looking for places in God's word where He tells me He is my mighty warrior; learning the songs that give praise to the Lord our Mighty Warrior.  I have learned to lean in hard to Him and to ask Him to fight for me and to help me to be still and to know when it is my time to enter the battle.

In this past year we have made some very hard decisions for our family. We have walked away from what was familiar for the last 15 years.  In this last 6 months God has shown us in so many ways that the fight was not only necessary it was for our good.  The ways He has proved Himself to be trustworthy, loving, faithful, and good are more than I can count.

This past week some old demons, if you will, have raised their heads and I have found myself once again fighting and weary.  This morning God brought to my mind that conversation with my husband last spring and some verses I learned this past year shortly after that conversation.  "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still"  Exodus 14:14 and "The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is His name" Exodus 15:3.
I hear the call once again, not into battle, but into rest.

A Laundry Ditty

I hate laundry.  Laundry day at my house is every Tuesday and Friday.  I try, I really do try, to be grateful that we have clothes; I try to be grateful that I have these 3 wonderful people in my life that I am "able" to do laundry for.  I probably could be a little more grateful if they would not dirty so much.  Reality:  I try to be grateful, but when I am being gut wrenchingly honest.... I HATE LAUNDRY!!

Last year it was time to replace my dryer.  The dryer we were replacing was one we had purchased off of Craigs List for $100.  My sister and her 2 boys were living with us at that time and my parents' hand-me down dryer that we had owned since Rick and I married had given out.  With 3 adults and 4 kids in this house hanging wet clothes got old fast so we purchased a dryer the guy said was on it's last leg, but it was all we could afford then.  When the Craigs List dryer gave up the ghost last year we decided to also replace my parent's hand-me down washer with it and get a set.

I did a lot of research and hoped that this would be the cure to my hate of laundry.  The set we settled on said they both sang a little tune when they were done.  HOW COOL!!!  How could you not want to do laundry when your machines sings to you.  I mean come on!!  So we purchased them, had them installed, and brought all the dirty clothes to the laundry room.  Success!  I wanted to do laundry!

That lasted for a couple of months.  Now, that little ditty that my machines play taunts me.  It isn't just a little jingle, it is a SONG!  It calls me, and I mumble hateful words under my breath.  Sometimes I answer it's call, sometimes I don't.  Mostly I just wonder why I ever thought that little ditty would make me want to do laundry.  I might have yelled at it to SHUT UP a time or two, who knows.

They really should let you program your own song into the machines.  Something to get you motivated like Eye of the Tiger or Another One Bites The Dust by Queen.  It could play something that just goes along with the fact that I would rather be doing anything other than laundry like Knee Deep by Jimmy Buffet and Zac Brown Band.  Or if it was really good it could just feed me compliments with You Are So Beautiful by Joe Cocker. Now THAT is a laundry duo I could get along with.

Megan and Missions

My Megan.  She is an amazing person.  We have told her all her life, since she was a baby, that God has special plans for her life.  When she was old enough to understand what we were saying she began to ask how we knew that to be true.  We have told her how we almost lost her in pregnancy.  We have told her about an early labor/delivery with some difficulties and how she wasn't breathing well when she was born.  We have told her about some health issues she had when she was little.  We have told her about 2 different near death experiences she had before she was 5 yrs. old.  We tell her that God could have taken her to heaven at any of those times, but He didn't.  We have told her over and over about how we see God moving in her life and about the spiritual growth we see in her.  We tell her we KNOW He has special plans for her life and if she will allow Him to lead her to that purpose she will see what an AWESOME God He is.

She is shy.  She is funny.  She is gifted.  She is independent.  She is strong-willed.  She is tender-hearted.    She is loyal.   She loves deeply.  She is a friend to the friendless.  She seeks out those standing in the shadows.  She has a broken heart for the lost kids in her school.  She teases her sister mercilessly, but will defend her fiercely.  She loves Jesus and she wants other to also.

When she was in second or third grade she got off the bus one afternoon a little sad.  I asked her what was wrong and she told me about a boy on her bus that she had been talking to about Jesus.  She told me with surprise that he didn't know who Jesus was and he had never had a Bible.  She was so shocked to hear that anyone wouldn't have a Bible.  She HAD to get him a Bible.  So we did, and she wrote in it for him and couldn't wait to give it to him.  She would ask him every day if he was reading it.  He was, with his mom.  We don't see him anymore and don't know the outcome, but I do know those are 2 people she planted seed in.

It isn't unusual for her to get in the car in the afternoon and with tears streaming tell me "I don't think 'so-and-so' is a Christian."  She will tell me what happened to bring her to that conclusion and then she will ALWAYS say to me "Mom, we have to start praying for them."  Then, she will make sure we do every night.

Last night we had a missions emphasis at our church.  We had never been to a service like this one, but our whole family enjoyed it very much.  We were split into groups and rotated between 3 sessions.  Megan was in a different group than the 3 of us and I wondered if she would be bored and not pay attention.  On the contrary, when we met up with her her face was lit up.  She couldn't quit talking about the youth missions trip being considered for 2014. In the car on the way home she couldn't contain herself.  She told us how enthralled she was in every session.  She was pulled into the stories of the missionaries, and the facts given about the need for workers.  Then she said something I didn't expect to hear "Mom, Dad, I think I want to be a missionary.  I know I will have to get over being shy and I will work on that, but I really think this is what I want to do."

We talked for a long time last night about missionaries.  Rick and I shared some of our short term mission trip experiences with her.  She shared with me before bed more reasons why she thought this might be what God is calling her to.  She teared up.  I did too.  We prayed together for God's guidance now and in the years to come.  WE prayed for her heart to be open and tender to His leading.  We prayed for the mission opportunities that are before us now.  We thanked God for our church and the heart the staff and the people have for missions. We thanked God for who He created her to be and the tender heart for the lost that He gave her.  We prayed for her protection from the evil one who will try to distract her.  We prayed for courage.  

I don't know where this road will lead.  I don't presume to know what God has planned for my girl, but I am privileged to be her mom and to be along for the ride.

My Megan.  She is an amazing person!

Chosen

There is an ebb and flow that comes in my quiet time with my Jesus; I'm sure this is true for most everyone.  There are times when I spend time in the Word and prayer and while it is good it isn't earth moving.  There are times when no matter how hard I try to "get something" from my time with Him He seems silent.  Then there are times where He is so obviously present and speaking to my heart that I don't want to move from that place of devotion because I don't want it to end.

This morning was one of those precious moments.  My scripture reading was in Revelation which is sometimes hard for me to understand.  I did, however, try to imagine what it will be like to worship at His feet, with the angels, around His throne.....I'm confidant my imagination will never do it justice.

As my time turned to prayer He was faithful to bring to my heart and mind areas where confession was needed.  Confession turned to intercession for many I love.  Part of that intercession was for several families I know walking the road to adoption or have recently adopted.  Families who put themselves out there to rescue children realizing that at some point it could end in heart ache.  The plan is obviously to enter a relationship with that child/ren, to guide them to Jesus, to be their Mommy and Daddy, to give them a better life.  There is always that knowledge in the back of their mind though that something could change and that relationship might never be, that their heart could be shattered.  Still they put themselves out there willing to risk the hurt for the chance to be that child's parent.

As I prayed for these families God spoke to my heart that had just confessed my failings to Him.  Isn't that just what He did for us? He created us.  He created each person just exactly the way they are, flaws and all, because He wanted YOU exactly the way you are.  He could have made us little robots who immediately chose to do His bidding.  He could have created us to be perfect, acting and being the best little Christians.  Instead, He gave us free will.  He put Himself out there and then gave us a choice.  He risked the heartache of our rejecting Him.

 I do believe that if He created me to be just exactly who HE wanted to me it is because He desires to enter into relationship with ME and if I reject that relationship His heart is broken. He chose me, He wants to adopt me into His family.  He wants to give me a better life than the one I would have without Him.  He wants my obedience, but He also wants my love. He wants my life surrendered to Him. He wants an intimate relationship with me.  He wants to guide me.  He wants to comfort me.  He wants to teach me to be like Him.  He wants to be my Abba Father, my Daddy. He wants ME!

I chose years ago to accept His offer of sonship/daughtership and even though I fail Him He has never let me go.  I am overwhelmed by Him this morning.

UPDATE: 11/4/13

Almost a year has passed since I wrote this post and yesterday's Sunday School lesson brought it to mind.  The families I was praying for that day have all seen a final result to their adoption journey.  One family just recently returned from Ethiopia with their son.  One family walked the whole pregnancy and birth experience with a lady in their town who chose adoption instead of abortion. They recently celebrated their son's 6 month "birthday".  One family knew the heartache of an adoption journey that did not end the way they thought it would.  Two children did not and will not come "home".  Each family chose to walk the adoption journey knowing that there was a chance that it could end in sadness and not celebration. Still, they chose to follow God's leading and step into that journey.

As we talked about adoption into God's family yesterday in Sunday School I remembered the days and days of prayers for these families and it once again brought home to me how God chooses us.  He will pursue each of us.  He will offer the gift of adoption of sonship.  He will put Himself out there knowing some will accept and some won't.  He will risk the heartache because He loves each individual so much and He desires that relationship. I am once again so thankful for an Abba Father who loved me so much he chose me.  He adopted me into His family.  He gave me the option of accepting Him or rejecting Him.  He knew it could mean sadness instead of celebration, still He chose me.

Matriarchs of My Faith

This morning I was cleaning away like I try to do most every Monday morning if I am on top of my game.  My music was loud and I was elbow deep into bathroom cleaning when the phone rang.  I could not get to it in time and so ended up listening to a message from a voice I hadn't heard in quite some time.  A lady, whose family were members of a church my dad pastor-ed years ago, called to let me know another lady had passed away this morning.

I have not seen Jean Rader in a  very long time and if I'm being honest assumed she had already passed away years ago.  When I was probably around 8 or 9, give or take, she was Mama Jean and her mother was Granny Robertson to my family.  They were members of our church and were so kind to my family.  Most likely they were equally kind to every family in our church, but back then in my mind my family was extra special to them.  Granny Robertson made amazingly yummy homemade bread and Mama Jean always had some sugar-free candy in her purse or the candy dish in her home for us.  I remember meals in their home and some of the sweetest hugs ever came from those two ladies.  I say I assumed Mama Jean had already passed away because in my young mind they were both "so old" back then, but my "older yet wiser" self tells me they weren't really.

Hearing of her death didn't bring tears; like I said I haven't seen her in decades.  It did, however, bring my mind to the women who have been a part of my life who have passed away recently.  That, in turn, led me to thinking about the women past and present who have been Matriarchs of My Faith.  Mama Jean and Granny Robertson were definitely two of those as well as the lady who called me today and of course my Mom.

There were so many names that came to mind and I thought I would list them all and the things I learned from them, but I knew that would make this way too long and I'm sure I would forget some ladies.  Suffice it to say I have been blessed with women who lived out their faith in front of me.  There have been women who have been a part of my life at different stages of my life and some it seems have just always been there.  Some who may not even know that they made an impact on me.  Some who maybe I didn't know at the time what an impact their faithful walk would make on my life until I was older.  I have seen examples of Godly marriages, examples of being faithful when life falls apart, examples of Godly parenting, examples of close intimate relationships with Jesus, and SO much more. I am so grateful for the women God has placed in my life all through out my life.

My thoughts then  turned to MY example to OTHER girls/women.  Am I a Matriarch of Faith to any of the girls and women who come across my path?  I certainly hope first and foremost I am to my daughters, but what about others???  I'm praying for a boldness that does not come natural to me.  A boldness that comes from God alone.  I'm praying for chances to invest in the lives of  girls/women that come across my path in ways that will impact the Kingdom.

I may never know this side of Heaven the lives God allows me to invest in just like I am sure there are women who don't realize how much they invested in me.  I can just imagine though that in Heaven there will be some gab fests.  Women circled around each other hugging, laughing, and sharing all that we have meant to each other.  I can't wait!

Calvary Love

God has been doing such a work in me through our church.  It seems that in every service/class there is a conviction and a knowledge that I have a lot of work to do. The Gospel Project in Sunday School, the new members class on "What Is The Church?", 1 John on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights are coming from the book "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges, and Beth Moore "Mercy Triumphs: the Book of James" on Wednesday nights.  A common "thread" seems to be "Am I putting my faith into action?"  Are my words and thoughts towards the world condescending?  Are my thoughts and words and actions towards fellow believers right, are they pure, do they reflect Christ's love?  I have found myself lacking in a lot of areas.

If you know me at all you know I tend to have an opinion about anything and I tend to speak before I think.  I will then over-think everything I said once I have walked away and usually wish I could take back 50% of what I said and rephrase the other 50%.  One of the things Beth Moore said last week in Bible Study was "He knows when your motive was right but your mouth messed up." I am so thankful for that!  I had a moment like that Sunday in Sunday School.  I made a statement that I meant with good intentions, but the way I said it was condescending and prideful.  It has bothered me all week and I have laid it at the feet of Jesus and I'm trying not to pick it back up.

There are other times, however, when I just say things that are NOT meant with good intentions and are not pleasing to my Father.  They certainly don't "flesh out" (as our Pastor says) God's love.  Our Pastor referenced a small book by Amy Carmichael called "IF. What Do I Know Of Calvary Love?"  I had heard of Amy Carmichael, I had read her story, but I had never heard of this little book.  He referenced several parts of it and I left that morning so convicted by my attitude and things I say about others.  I ordered the book on Amazon and while you could sit down and read it in 15 min. I have broken it down to a little bit each morning, some mornings just re-reading parts and always praying where the Holy Spirit convicts (which is pretty much every morning).  One statement that I know I struggle with is:  "If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting 'who made thee to differ? and what hast thou that thou hast not received?' then I know nothing of Calvary love".
 I know who I have been and what I have done.  I know who I am now and how I fail Him.  What would ever make me think I should belittle or talk about someone??

The school crossing guard at Erika's school is someone I have talked about negatively almost every morning that I drive her to school for as long as I can remember.  She always has a scowl on her face and seems to be someone who really hates her job.  I in turn have criticized the way she does her job and the fact that she can be so sarcastic with the looks and hand motions she gives people in the morning and wondered aloud "why she does this job if she hates it so much?".  I have never wondered what is going on in her life that has made her so unhappy.  I have never prayed for her. I have rarely even smiled at her.  I have never prayed prayers of gratefulness that she puts her life in danger to keep my children safe and have certainly never prayed for her safety.

This morning while taking Megan to school an ambulance passed us going the other way towards Hunter Rd.  While on my way home I heard on the radio that just about 15 min prior our school crossing guard was hit by a car.  The report was that she was hit hard, it was serious, and she was rushed to the hospital.  I don't know if she is ok, I don't know if she died, I don't know if she knows my Jesus.  I DO know I never "fleshed out" my Jesus towards her. My heart aches this morning for her and that I failed my Savior. I immediately prayed  for her, her family, and the other person involved. Then I laid my sin before my Father and am praying for a changed heart towards others.

I don't want to be that kind of person.  I want to love people the way Jesus loves.  I am thankful that He is a forgiving God.  I am thankful that He is still changing and refining me.  I am thankful for His discipline, even though it hurts, because that means He loves me and wants to change me "for my good and for His glory".  How could I not share that with others??

"If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love." ~ Amy Carmichael

Kitchen Catastrophe

When Rick and I married I couldn't cook, not really.  I could make some yummy cookies and I cook eggs just about any way you wanted them.  I could also make a mean piece of toast...in the toaster, not that yummy way my Mawmaw used to make it in the oven; that would have been a nasty piece of toast.

When we first got married we had Hamburger Helper, Chicken Helper and Tuna Helper until we thought we were going to turn into that little talking gloved hand.  Throw in a couple of recipes my mom, his mom and his sister gave me that I just cooked over and over since I didn't know what else to do and spaghetti out of a jar and we were under enthused about supper most nights. I figured it was time to step up my game in the wife area and learn to cook.

I loved Food Network and watched that a lot.  Rick cooked and I paid attention. Between those two things and figuring out I could read a recipe and follow it we started eating all kinds of yumminess.  Bye, bye Hamburger Helper, ICK!

Now days I pretty much always cook a recipe once by the directions then I will almost always tweak it.  I figured out pretty quick I loved cooking, especially for parties or for others. I've gotten pretty good at it if I do say so myself.  I don't like mess ups in the kitchen.  I can convince my prideful self I'm better than that.  I guess God  laughs at that and today needed to teach me a lesson.  Those are usually no fun.

I am pretty OCD in the kitchen partly for safety reasons partly because I'm just an OCD crazy mess. Two of my kitchen pet-peeves are drawers and cabinet doors left open and lids not screwed on to items.  One is a safety thing and the other is just a mess waiting to happen to the next person who picks up said item.

Megan has friends coming over for a birthday slumber party tonight so I headed to the kitchen this morning to make a cake and some homemade snacks for them.  I always like to get all my ingredients out first then put them away as I use them (there is that OCD crazy again!).  I was getting out the oil and darn it if someone didn't put the lid on it all the way.

I knew it as soon as it was in the air and it felt like time went into slow motion.  I could feel it slipping out of my grasp.  I tried to get it to the cabinet before it slipped out of my hands, but I was just a half an inch short. It hit the floor on it's bottom.  On it's side would have been much better it would have just spilled on the floor. Nope, it hit on it's bottom...with me leaning over it trying to stop it somehow.  The lid shot off and oil splattered everywhere.  I was covered in it.  I just stood there.  Oil dripping from my fingers, off my glasses, down my nose, out of my hair onto my already covered face. I just stood there and dripped.

I was H.O.T.!!  I wanted to scream.  WHO LEFT THE LID UNSCREWED???????  I stood there dripping oil and realized it was......me.

So,  my hair will probably look like I am going through puberty again for the next few days.  My glasses have a haze on them I can't quite get off.  My arms, hands and face got a skin softening treatment I didn't have to pay for. I washed with soap and hot water so many times and it is still there.  My kitchen floor feels like the floor in a fast food kitchen; I'm slipping around trying to walk in there.  I probably will be mopping more than a few times today and I'm sure I will be finding oil splatters in weird places for days to come.

Lesson learned God.  I'm not so great after all and definitely not beyond a kitchen catastrophe or two.