20 Years Later. I Still Miss You.

Dear Little One,

You would be 20 this month. I can not believe it has been that long.  I can't believe I am old enough to have a 20-year-old.

20 years since I learned that a culmination of bad choices had led to a sweet child growing inside of me.

I wept when I learned of you.  I immediately wondered what my parents would say.  What would people think?  What would your father say and do? What am I going to do?   I confess, for a mere minute or 2 I considered abortion, but quickly realized I would never be able to do that.  For a few hours I considered adoption, but I realized that while I had no idea how I would care for you.........I wanted YOU!

I was 19 years old.   I had a mediocre job at a bank. I had my own car.  I had just finished  my first year of college (It wasn't pretty, but I finished it).   I thought I had all the answers.  I was living life my way.

The following weeks were a snowball of consequences for my choices.  Within days of learning of you, I had lost my job.  I had told my parents of you, thus breaking their hearts. We told my family and then our church, leaving many people hurt and angry. And then.......

I began to cramp while at a friends house.  I had never felt such pain.  I had not been to a Dr.  No one told me that cramping while pregnant wasn't good. Then I began to bleed.

I honestly don't remember all the events of the hours that followed.  I only remember that  I was told I had miscarried you.  I didn't believe it.  I thought somehow you were still growing inside me.  They had made a mistake.

How do you mourn someone you have never met?  How do you love so deeply a child you never saw or got to hold?  I did, though.  I still do.  I miss you.

I think of you often.

I have always thought you are a boy;  though I never gave you a name.

I know now that your short time with me was not wasted.  God used you, and the loss of you, to turn my heart back to Him. It was one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. Through the loss of you, He placed women in my life who invested in me and taught me so much about my loving Father. It was the turning point for me.  It was my rock bottom.

I didn't change overnight.  It was a grueling process. I had to let go of so many things, not just you.

I began to learn how to have a relationship with my Jesus. You changed me.  I believe He allowed you to be conceived and lost so that I would see my deep need for Him. He changed me.

There have been 4 more babies since you were conceived.  2 are still with me and 2 are with you.

I wonder if you 3 know each other.  Do you spend time with each other?  I wonder often how Heaven works with babies that pass away.

I still have the baby booties that the pregnancy center gave me when they told me of you.  I hang them on the Christmas tree every year.  I think of you.  I miss you.  I tell your sisters about you.

I am a mother of 5.  I long for the day when we are all together.  I can't wait to finally hold you and see your sweet face. I want to see and hold your siblings that you have gotten to know, but I haven't.  Until that day, rest in the arms of Jesus.

20 years, baby.  I still miss you.

Love,
Momma

The Same Power

Blogging hasn't been something I have been able to do in a long time.  I have tried.  The words just wouldn't come together.  I have a couple of drafts sitting waiting to be finished.   I don't really think they ever will be.  This morning there is a thought I want to try to put together.

The power of God in me.

Not long ago my girls and I were on our way to somewhere and the radio was on.  The song "Same Power"  by Jeremy Camp was on.  I think we may have been singing along, but I'm sure I wasn't really thinking about the words.  Then, my oldest daughter said from the back seat "You know, that is really amazing."

Me:  What is?
Mae:  That the same power that rose Jesus from the dead lives in me.

Quiet

Me:  It is amazing.  And deep.
E:  What are y'all talking about.
Me:  The same power that it took to raise the dead,
Mae:  to move mountains
Me: to create the world with a word.  That same power is living in us if we have Jesus in our hearts. We often live in fear, or live our lives defeated.  But we SHOULD be living like we have the power of God in us.  That power is AMAZING!

Why do I do that?  Why do I think I can't do something, anything, that He has called me to.  What does it take for me to live in the knowledge of what a mighty God I have?

Faith the size of a mustard seed.  Power that can raise the dead, that can create a world...all with a spoken word.

There are so many people heavy on my heart.  Situations that seem to have no earthly solution.  A world that seems so evil.  It is easy to feel overwhelmed, even defeated.

But the same Power.

"Greater is He that is living in Me, He's conquered our enemy.  No power of darkness, no weapon prevails, we stand here in victory."

1 Chronicles 29:11
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.

Ephesians 1:19-21
And what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.

Disclaimer For Seeking Him

As we are wrapping up this study at church I feel like I have to give a disclaimer.

If I am not careful I can become a "Bible Study Junkie".  You know what I mean?  Just going from study to study, learning something, but not really being changed.  It can be as much about fellowship as actual Bible Study.

In December I saw a need to get in The Word more with my family, specifically my oldest daughter.  I was looking for a study we could do together when I learned we would begin Seeking Him at church at the beginning of the year.  I set my search aside and decided that M and I would do this study with the ladies of our church.

I will be painfully honest, I really didn't think I had a lot to work on.  I know I am not perfect, I know I have some struggles, but before we started this study I thought for the most part I was "doing ok".  God must have given that sad smile we give our kids when we know they are about to learn a life  lesson....the hard way.

As we began to deal with Humility, Honesty, Repentance, Grace, Holiness, Obedience, Forgiveness (and more) He began to show me the ugly.  The Great Physician opened me up and the stench came out.  Then He said "Now, we can get to work.  First we have to remove the infection and THEN the real healing begins."

Truth?  It hasn't always been  wasn't ever easy.  It has been painful and heart wrenching.  At the beginning of the book it asked the question most Bible Studies ask:  Why did you take this study?  I wrote my answer and at the end wrote "I am hoping for a personal revival.  I fear walking away unchanged."  He didn't ignore my request.

I have learned that pride is a huge sin that I have allowed to fester and must deal with and allow Him to remove. I have learned that God has placed in my life and in His Word true examples of Godly humility and I can and should learn from them.  I have learned and/or been reminded how vast is the grace of God. I have learned how honesty, repentance, holiness and obedience work together and ways I need to put each attribute into practice in my life.  I have had to seek forgiveness and give it.  I have learned that I wasn't "doing ok" like I thought, BUT that He wasn't writing me off.  Thank you, Jesus, He isn't done refining me!

There have been times when I told God "ENOUGH!  I don't want to do this anymore!"  He always reminds me of when I was in labor with M.  The epidural did not work and 20+ hours into labor I was exhausted and scared.  When they told me it was time to push and I thought my body could NOT take anymore pain I screamed at the Dr and my husband "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!  I CAN'T DO THIS!"  They smiled and told me "You ARE doing this.  You have no choice, we are here now."  Breathe. Push. Breathe.

So my disclaimer for Seeking Him is this:
Do not take this study if you are looking for just another study to do with your friends.  Do not take this study if you aren't willing to be gut wrenchingly honest with God.  Do not take this study if you don't want Him to expose your ugly and ask you to deal with it.  Do not take this study if you just want Him to leave you unchanged.
However, if personal revival is what you seek, if your desire is to walk into a deeper relationship with Him, if you want to truly surrender all, if you are willing to allow Him to strip it all away in order to bring you out different, more like Him ....  the Bible Study Seeking Him is a good place to start.

It will be hard work.  It could get pretty painful.  The outcome, though, is something beautiful.  He won't leave your side.  Breathe. Push.  Breathe.

His Amazing Love

 A few weeks ago during my quiet time I was looking for a video for How He Loves by David Crowder Band and came across one with some excerpts from sermons from Matt Chandler and John Piper.  It was exactly what I needed to be reminded of that day. I have played it over and over in my quiet times lately and have shared it with my daughters and my husband.  We are all in different "phases" of life and our Christian walk, but still need to be reminded of His love for us.  We need to be reminded of the fact that He knew how messy we would be and still He loves, still He chose to go to the cross for us.

Last week the ladies in our church began a Bible Study together, Seeking Him by Nancy Lee DeMoss and Tim Grissom.  Megan and I both joined and I am looking forward to going through it with her.  The first week was challenging, sometimes painful and made me get real and answer honestly things I didn't necessarily want to answer; however it is GOOD!!  One day that was particularly convicting I pulled the above video up and just closed my eyes and took it in.  Then off to the side I saw a link to another video.  Our study has taken us several times to the book of Hosea, so the link peaked my interest.  I ended up with another video I have pulled up often in the last week and have shared with Megan and Rick. It was awesome since Megan was not familiar with the story of Hosea and Gomer.  Let's be honest it isn't a story we teach in Sunday School mixed in with Noah, Moses, Gideon,Samson, Ruth and Esther.  I explained the story from the Bible to her and then we watched the video together.

He paid the ultimate price for what was already His.  I already belonged to Christ; He is my creator.  He paid to buy me back. He paid with His Son's life.  Oh How He Loves!!  I can't wrap my head around it.  I can't comprehend it. I can't be grateful enough.

The knowledge of His love for me makes me want to dig in deep to the study Seeking Him, lean in close to my Savior and come out on the other side changed. It makes me want to line up with Him and live in a way that glorifies Him because of the way He loves me.

Beer in My Daughter's Backpack

My youngest was pretty determined that I not take a nap today.  It wasn't really a nap I was hoping for; really I just wanted some time to close the bedroom door and talk through some things with Rick.  Heartbreak and despair were close to happening for my girl, though.  She couldn't find her pack of Hubba Bubba bubble gum that she bought with her last $2.  $2 that, until a couple of days ago, had been lost for a really long time.  Seeing the trend yet?  We informed her that bubble gum was not the kind of thing that warranted interrupting and sent her on her sad little way.

When our conversation came to an end I went to help her go through her room looking for the lost Hubba Bubba.  While there I saw her backpack and searched it. Pause with me for a moment....my daughter is (in)famous for 2 things:  Losing things, and hiding things in random places.  She sees no problem with this. I want to scream over it.  SO, searching bizarre places in her room is normal.  Back to my story....I knew she hadn't used her backpack for 2 weeks, but anything is possible in E's room.

I didn't find the gum.  What I DID find was her lunchbox and water bottle from the last day of school before Christmas break.  2 WEEKS AGO! Just to help paint a picture for you ~ that day for lunch she had something in a baggie but I really couldn't figure out what it was, spaghetti in a thermos (the smell, oh my goodness), and a half empty water bottle.  Not one of those plastic kinds with the cute little flip up straw, no the kind that are aluminum and have the tight seal on the lid.  

I was done looking for that Orange Crush flavored sugar rush.  I had to get this science experiment to the kitchen. I cleaned out all the garbage and put the thermos to soak in super hot soapy water.  I didn't throw up.  I gagged a lot, but I didn't throw up.  Now to clean out the water bottle.  I couldn't get it open.  It was stuck. I got two towels, one for each hand to help with my grip, all the while marveling at E's ability to close this thing so tightly.

Finally, when I thought my already jacked up back was not going to let me fight this thing anymore, there was a pop, a loud hiss, and a spray EVERYWHERE!  It scared me to death. I stood still with my eyes closed for a second.  Checked to make sure I still had all my bodyparts.  Then I smelled the smell.  It smelled like someone had shook up a can of beer and popped the top.  That is the moment I realized I had not put water in her water bottle.  Nope, that would make too much sense.  I opened my eyes to see a foaming amber liquid pouring out of my girls's water bottle.  That day 2 weeks ago I had put apple juice in her water bottle.  And now, it was all  over me, all over the walls, all over E's art project, all over the clean dishes, even all over the ceiling.

Just in case you need a science project idea for your kids apparently if you keep apple juice sealed real tight for a couple of weeks you get apple beer or apple wine....you get fermented apple juice and a kitchen and some clothes that smell like you've had more than a few.

Life lessons for me:  Don't pack apple juice in my daughter's backpack on the last day of school at all, ever again.  Always, always, always make sure they put their lunch boxes in the kitchen BEFORE they take their backpacks upstairs.  Be prepared for anything coming out of E's room (or backpack).

You read the title and thought I was gonna spill some juicy tidbits from the Landess house didn't you?  Shame on you.  :)

By the way, we never did find the gum.

Too Much Information

Ah, the information age.  Sometimes I think it isn't all is cracked up to be. I will admit I can do internet research like nobody's business and I am pretty addicted to social media, but some days I think it isn't so much a blessing as a curse.

We can diagnose ourselves thanks to WebMd and pretty much always learn no matter what your ailment you are most likely dying.  We can look up any recipe we might ever want and if Google can't find it Pinterest will have 478 variations of it along with beautiful pictures my food will never measure up to. We can find ideas to throw the biggest, best party ever. We can find a review for any product we want to buy, at least you will be able to read the negative reviews; positive comments are harder to come by.  We can see what Urbanspoon says about a restaurant  we want to try and find out if it is worth our time.  There is marriage advice, parenting advice, friend advice, church advice, movie reviews.............
OH MY GOODNESS!

We have made it even easier to be ungrateful for where we are at or what we have by comparing ourselves to others based on the blips of info people put out on Facebook and Twitter.  We spend hours on Pinterest wishing and dreaming for the house, the wardrobe, the body, the cooking abilities, the party planning ability and budget.  I do say we because I am so very guilty.

What has gotten me thinking today, though, is all the advice blogs/articles/info out there.

Have you talked to your child about drugs, sex, porn, etc..  Have you blessed your husband, are you submitting, is he your #1 priority, 101 date ideas, etc..  Does your church do community work, do you have the right kind of music, does your church get involved with missions, etc.. Are you taking care of you, having a quiet time, organizing your home, preparing your meals, dressing well, etc.  Are you affirming your children, disciplining your children, giving your children boundaries, setting electronic time, getting them active, getting them in extracurricular stuff, don't put them in extracurricular stuff etc.  Do you eat organic, natural, palleo, Mcdonalds; do you vaccinate or not vaccinate.....and all the how's and why's you should AND should not being doing for all these things.

If you have posted and/or written a blog on any or all of these topics I am not judging or criticizing!  I think there is a ton of helpful advice out there.  However, for me, someone who is a worry wart it is TMI!
Forget it, worry wart is too gentle; for someone who has struggled with deep anxiety and who still struggles at times all this info can lead to worry and anxiety.  Did I hug my kids enough today?  When will I find time to have all these different talks with them?  What horrible things will happen to them if I DON'T have all these talks with them.  Does my husband know I love and appreciate him.  Am I doing enough at church?  Am I doing too much at church?  What is my motivation behind what I do at church?

All of a sudden I am not just comparing myself with others I am over-analyzing all I need to do with all that I am/am not doing.  Que the guilt and anxiety.

I know what you are thinking.  "No one is making you read those blogs, search for those articles, look at those recipes, peruse (for hours) Pinterest."  I say, "You are so right!!"  I am going to be much more selective about what I am reading, limiting how much "help" stuff I read in a day or even a week (or at all).  I am going to continue to have conversations with my kids and try to stay up on the social media stuff that they are into (which is little to none).  I am going to continue to pray over them, with them and for them.  I am going to talk to my husband about what our relationship needs.  I am going to continue to pray over, with and for him.   I am going to look to God and His word for where I should or should not be involved in our church and our community.  THEN, I am going to learn (from Him) to trust Him more.  To trust Him for the outcome, to trust Him to walk us through when the outcome isn't what we expected or wanted, to trust Him to guide us in our relationships.

I am going to do these things BEFORE I get info from the internet, regardless of how good the information  may be. I am just trying to put a filter on all the "stuff".  We   I can spend so much time reading about all the stuff I need to do or not do that I get overwhelmed and can get stuck in the pattern of "I'm not doing anything right."  Let's get real...most of these articles contradict each other at some point. The truth is I will never measure up to all that other's think I should be/say/do. Do I even want to? Do I even care what others think about how I measure up?  More than I should, less than I used to.

Oh, this information age.  Too much, too much.

Four More Years

Every year I look forward to summer break.  Things slow down, we get to sleep in, we spend days at the pool, we spend days in our p.j.s watching movies, we go to the library and then spend several days just reading and it is good.  Then, it always seems like we wake up one morning and realize school is right around the corner and we haven't done half of the things we wanted to do that summer break.

Every year I say "It seems like summer break just flew by.  It goes by faster and faster every year."  This year was no exception.  It seemed like we did not really even get a break.  Things did not slow down. We spent only a few days at the pool (thanks to all the rain).  We have been to the library once.  We HAVE been going like crazy, but it has been service related for the most part and it has been good. I do feel, though, that this summer break has gone faster than all the others

A few weeks ago Megan and I were alone in the car for whatever reason and it dawned on me while I was driving that she will be 15 in 3 months.  FIFTEEN!  I asked her if she would be wanting to get her driving permit when she turned 15  which she answered with a resounding YES!  So we talked about what she needed to start doing now to be ready for the test.  Then, when we were almost home I said quietly "I can't believe we are having this conversation."  She just smiled.

Since then I have thought more and more about the fact that my first born, my baby, will be starting High School in 2 weeks.  Time.  It won't stop, it won't slow down. It feels like we just brought her home from the hospital wondering what in the world we were supposed to do now.

Assuming she goes away to college like she has talked about for awhile now, we have 4 more years.  4 more years.  IT ISN'T ENOUGH.
Ever since she started Youth activities she has been busier.  This year we are throwing marching band into the mix and I can tell we just entered a new kind of crazy busy...our new normal.  A new phase of life for our family.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not complaining.  Quite the contrary, I am amazed at all she does.  I am loving watching her blossom and grow into the woman God is molding her to be.  I would be lying, though, if I didn't admit I wish we could slow it down.

From that conversation about driving a few weeks ago until now my mind has been all over the place.  My mommy heart was a little sad that we are here staring down High School.  My mind was stuck on the 4 more years and how little time that is.  I'm working on bringing my thoughts back full circle though.  Instead of thinking I only have 4 more years; I'm working on thinking I still have 4 more years.

Society has taught us to dread the teen years.  I will be honest I know who I was in my teen years..yikes!  I will be honest, too, and say that for years I was dreading the teen years.  However, now that we are here I don't know why we are ingrained to dread this time.  It has it challenges but so did every other phase of life.  Hanging out with her (as well as other teens at our church) is a lot of FUN! This time doesn't have to be terrible, in fact, it shouldn't be terrible.

I have no idea what is in store in the next 4 years.  I DO know this ~ I can hang on tight -too tight - and squeeze my eyes shut and just wait for the ride to be over.  ~ OR  ~  I can throw my hands in the air, let the wind blow through my hair, laugh loud and often, and enjoy the ride with my girl.

It will get crazy, that ride.  I'm sure of it.  Upside down, loop to loops, crazy turns, up hill and down. I'm not really a roller coaster kinda girl, but for my Megan, yup I will ride that ride.

I STILL have 4 more years.