Who You Say I Am

Last night was our first time back to Small Group after our summer break.  

I LOVE my small group!  We eat, we laugh, we cry, we share in each other's lives, we enjoy being together.  We are able to be real with each other whether it is in rejoicing or the ugly stuff that life brings our way.

Last night we laughed a lot, a product I'm sure of missing each other and finally being back together.

Somehow in the course of our storytelling and laughing, I shared some (funny) things from my past which somehow led to some things (not so funny) that had been said to me as a teenager.  Things that hurt more than I will ever be able to comprehend.  Words said by people whose words carry a bunch of weight.

The evening went on and we laughed a whole lot more, but somehow speaking about that pulled a band-aid off an old wound.  I found myself thinking about it late into the night and even this morning. It's crazy, and awful, how we can put things behind us but sometimes when we least expect it there it is again.

I don't want to deal with this anymore.  I am tired of those words having power over me.  

While I was getting ready for work and thinking about all this How He Loves came on my playlist. 

Man!  How He Loves ME!  

Our pastor has been making sure we hear "God loves who you are where you are right now. Not some future version of you.  He also loves you too much to leave you where you are.  It's ok not to be ok."

I thought of THOSE words as I got ready this morning.  All the times and different places in my life where Jesus has loved me right where I was AND how HE has changed me.  He knew my thoughts and my battle this morning and was so gracious to remind me who I am.

Words carry a lot of weight with me and I am confident Satan will continue to use them to tempt me to believe a lie, but I am so thankful He is faithful to replace those lies with His truth.

I pray that as much as I choose to believe His truth about me I keep in mind that He feels the same about others.  I want my words to carry life not hurt and pain.  

7 Days

 4 years ago I sat at my computer and wrote about the 4 years of High School coming our way.  4 years left with this girl.

I couldn't have even imagined then all that those 4 years would hold. I knew we were getting on a roller coaster ride, but man what a ride. I knew then it would go fast, but I had no idea how fast.
I wrote about how she was talking of going away for college, but neither of us had any idea how far away she would truly go.

Our family has been through more in 4 years than I would have ever thought possible.  Family members with cancer and other health challenges, school changes, learning (and struggling) to parent 2 teens well, I have worked off and on, marriage challenges, church changes, and more.  Through it ALL God has proven faithful, but the roller coaster ride has been fast and furious.

So here I sit 4 years later.  The house is quiet and I am once again feeling the affects of time.
7 days.  I have 7 days until she boards a plane and heads to Costa Rica.

She asked me yesterday how I was doing with this.  And so I told her....  It is harder every day.  I am crazy proud of you.  I KNOW this is right.  I have peace about you going.  I am just sad you won't be here.   I know you are coming back in 9 months, but you will be different, our relationship will be different.  I am excited for that, but a little sad about it too.  You are crossing over from being my child to being my friend.  You will always be my baby and I will always be your mom, but it will just be different.  For the last 18 years you have needed ME for things, but now you have to go "adult".  It is a good thing.  It is what parents are supposed to do, train you to go out and be and do all God made you for, still it is hard on a momma's heart.

 In 7 days I will stand in the Atlanta airport and hug her with 4 months of love (she is coming home for Christmas) and send her on an adventure of a lifetime. I will pray with all that I am that God does BIG things in and through her and I will always thank Him that the last 4 years didn't change her for bad but only became a part of her story.

She is an amazing woman.  She is made for amazing things for His Glory.

Go do Big things for the Kingdom baby girl!

A Call to Arms

Nearly 18 years ago I stood in my parents' kitchen as my dad held my newborn.  He asked me "How do you feel about raising a child in this world we live in?"

 It was something I had thought about all through my pregnancy. I answered "I'm scared.  I can't imagine a world that is crazier than it is now even though I know it will only get worse.  Some days I want Jesus to come back while she is still little so she won't experience all the horrible things in the world.  However, another part of me can't wait to see who she grows up to be and all that she will accomplish."

When I had a second child 5 years later the concern for their future, for the condition of the society we would leave them, had only grown. I have thought about that conversation many times over the last 17+ years; as we have indeed watched this world get crazier and crazier.

Earlier this week that little girl my dad held so long ago asked me, "Mom, do you think God would send me to Iraq?"  I waited for my heart to lurch, for the fear to creep in, but it didn't.  We had a conversation into the night about trusting the Lord's leadership, His plans, His will, His timing and more.

I think what if God called her to stay in the United States. What is it going to look like here in a few years?    I wonder what the life of a true Christian in the U.S. will be like in the coming years. I am confident there isn't a "safe" place anymore BUT, there is an almighty, all powerful God.

This morning I sit in my room and contemplate all that is going on in this world.  I especially think about all that is going on in my country.  I think about the hate, the lawlessness, the corruptness, the evil.  The lost.  The lost people acting like lost people.  I think about the growing persecution of Christians. I think about Christian brothers/sisters attacking each other instead of spreading the Gospel.

I am sure of very little these days.  A few things I am sure of:

• God hasn't stepped off His throne
• He IS good and in control
• Jesus is the ONLY answer for the turmoil this world is in
• He loves people
• His heart breaks for the condition of this world
• He doesn't want ANY person to perish without Him 
• He has called that girl of mine to tell people about Him and where He sends her He will go before her and with her.
• He wants Christians to get over themselves and get about the business of the Father

My heart is sad this morning. What I am asking myself is, "Am I sad because my comfort has been challenged or because there are lost dying and going to hell?" and "What am I going to do about it?"

I ask you the same questions.  Will politics, or gun control, or the state of society, or theology cause us to fight each other, or will it urge us to put on the armor of God and enter a Spiritual battle?

Dear 30 year old Me

Dear 30 yr old Me,

You have a 3-year-old and an 8-year-old.  You are working.  A LOT.  It all seems so overwhelming and you are longing for the day when it gets easier.

Each day you are just trying to get through and ending with guilt that says you didn't do enough.

You are looking forward to the days when the kids are older.  Old enough to take care of things for themselves.  Old enough to help you with more around the house.  Old enough to .......

You are also stressing that you aren't spending enough time with them now. You are so tired and they are getting the short end of the stick.

10 years from now you are going to be staring at them realizing they are old enough for all those things you were wishing for 10 years ago.  Now you have one that is about to be a Senior in H.S. and one about to go into 7th grade.  A Senior.  Oh dear Jesus, how did we get here so fast?!?!

So self, slow down!  Realize that all the stressers of the day are temporary.  The little things are just that, little things.  Soak it up.  And when you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up.  They are gonna happen and life is going to keep moving.  FAST.

You have beautiful girls.  They are funny, smart, talented, gifted, loving girls.  Enjoy every aspect of them.  They are also strong-willed and that is NOT bad.  Guide that, teach them how to channel that into something to use for God.

Pray for them, over them, and with them. Because the world is against them and Satan is going to attack them.

Right now it seems impossible to realize that one day they will be grown and you WILL indeed miss this phase, but I promise at 40 you will begin to see that one day (way too soon) they will be aching to spread their own wings and be grown. You will want to go back and soak up every single second.

If I could tell you anything it would be that you are enough.  You are enough for them even on your bad days because you are the mom ordained for them to have. Hug them, read to them, watch that movie with them, dance in the car with them, be silly with them, laugh with them, and when you mess up apologize to them and keep moving.  Teach them every day about Jesus, teach them to KNOW who they are in Christ, teach them to serve God and others. Teach them that they are enough too; they are enough to do whatever God has planned for them to do.

The next 10 years are going to be a roller coaster.  Some days you are just going to want to get off.  But don't quit momma.  Hang in there.  It is worth the ride.

Not Guilty

I have several people in my life who speak truth to me even when it is hard.  One of those people has asked me on more than one occasion, "How do you walk in forgiveness in this situation?"

Truthfully, not always often well.  Walking in forgiveness, choosing forgiveness is crazy hard.  Just because we say the words "I forgive you"  doesn't wave a magic wand over the situation and take away the hurt that may have been caused or even lasting consequences. When those hurts come back up or the consequences we have to walk in daily show up, how do we walk in forgiveness?

This isn't a how-to blog post.  It is more of  an "I'm still learning, what you got on how-to?" kind of post.

My Discipleship group study has challenged me to think hard about what I think walking in forgiveness looks like.  I'm re-learning what Grace looks like.  Grace that only comes from a Heavenly Father.

I signed a song a few years ago and I haven't heard it in a long time.  But, multiple times in the last 2 weeks it has come across my path.  One of those times was yesterday in the car by myself.  I had to acknowledge that God was trying to tell me something.  I got my Mandisa CD out and listened to Not Guilty a couple of times and let HIS message sink into my heart.

The challenge I was given and am wrestling through is this:  Grace.  Not the idea of Grace, but the giving and receiving of Grace.

A Holy God loved me and desired me so much that even while I was still sinful He chose me.  He willing sacrificed His Son to have a relationship with me.  Even when He knew just how bad I would screw up, even when He knew the wrong choices I would make and the filth I would walk in He still chose me.  Chose me to the point of death for His Son so that I could have eternal life with Him.  He paid my price.

I celebrate that Grace.  I sit in awe of the fact that He is Holy and He wants me. But how do I put that into practice with others?

 The song Not Guilty helped me see that He doesn't just see me that way.  The people who I need to walk in forgiveness with, that I need to extend Grace to.....He sees them the same way.  That is a little harder, at least for me.  When people hurt us we feel righteous in our anger and unforgiveness.  It is so hard to see them through the eyes of a loving Father who wants a right relationship with them as much as He wants with me.  But He does.

I'm not sure it is ever EASY to walk in forgiveness  BUT, when I use the cross as my lens, I can't help but acknowledge my own guilt and shame and see that for me to rejoice in the Grace given me I MUST know that it is available to the ones who have hurt me as well.  Grace and Forgiveness were not given to me because I deserved them or earned them.  God doesn't ask me to wait until I feel like someone has earned forgiveness.  He doesn't even ask me to wait until they ask for it.  He just tells me to walk in it, because He gave it to me.  It may or may not restore the relationship with those who have hurt me, but it WILL restore my relationship with Him.

 AH, and there it is. What my heart needs above all else.  A right relationship with my Savior.

20 Years Later. I Still Miss You.

Dear Little One,

You would be 20 this month. I can not believe it has been that long.  I can't believe I am old enough to have a 20-year-old.

20 years since I learned that a culmination of bad choices had led to a sweet child growing inside of me.

I wept when I learned of you.  I immediately wondered what my parents would say.  What would people think?  What would your father say and do? What am I going to do?   I confess, for a mere minute or 2 I considered abortion, but quickly realized I would never be able to do that.  For a few hours I considered adoption, but I realized that while I had no idea how I would care for you.........I wanted YOU!

I was 19 years old.   I had a mediocre job at a bank. I had my own car.  I had just finished  my first year of college (It wasn't pretty, but I finished it).   I thought I had all the answers.  I was living life my way.

The following weeks were a snowball of consequences for my choices.  Within days of learning of you, I had lost my job.  I had told my parents of you, thus breaking their hearts. We told my family and then our church, leaving many people hurt and angry. And then.......

I began to cramp while at a friends house.  I had never felt such pain.  I had not been to a Dr.  No one told me that cramping while pregnant wasn't good. Then I began to bleed.

I honestly don't remember all the events of the hours that followed.  I only remember that  I was told I had miscarried you.  I didn't believe it.  I thought somehow you were still growing inside me.  They had made a mistake.

How do you mourn someone you have never met?  How do you love so deeply a child you never saw or got to hold?  I did, though.  I still do.  I miss you.

I think of you often.

I have always thought you are a boy;  though I never gave you a name.

I know now that your short time with me was not wasted.  God used you, and the loss of you, to turn my heart back to Him. It was one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. Through the loss of you, He placed women in my life who invested in me and taught me so much about my loving Father. It was the turning point for me.  It was my rock bottom.

I didn't change overnight.  It was a grueling process. I had to let go of so many things, not just you.

I began to learn how to have a relationship with my Jesus. You changed me.  I believe He allowed you to be conceived and lost so that I would see my deep need for Him. He changed me.

There have been 4 more babies since you were conceived.  2 are still with me and 2 are with you.

I wonder if you 3 know each other.  Do you spend time with each other?  I wonder often how Heaven works with babies that pass away.

I still have the baby booties that the pregnancy center gave me when they told me of you.  I hang them on the Christmas tree every year.  I think of you.  I miss you.  I tell your sisters about you.

I am a mother of 5.  I long for the day when we are all together.  I can't wait to finally hold you and see your sweet face. I want to see and hold your siblings that you have gotten to know, but I haven't.  Until that day, rest in the arms of Jesus.

20 years, baby.  I still miss you.

Love,
Momma

The Same Power

Blogging hasn't been something I have been able to do in a long time.  I have tried.  The words just wouldn't come together.  I have a couple of drafts sitting waiting to be finished.   I don't really think they ever will be.  This morning there is a thought I want to try to put together.

The power of God in me.

Not long ago my girls and I were on our way to somewhere and the radio was on.  The song "Same Power"  by Jeremy Camp was on.  I think we may have been singing along, but I'm sure I wasn't really thinking about the words.  Then, my oldest daughter said from the back seat "You know, that is really amazing."

Me:  What is?
Mae:  That the same power that rose Jesus from the dead lives in me.

Quiet

Me:  It is amazing.  And deep.
E:  What are y'all talking about.
Me:  The same power that it took to raise the dead,
Mae:  to move mountains
Me: to create the world with a word.  That same power is living in us if we have Jesus in our hearts. We often live in fear, or live our lives defeated.  But we SHOULD be living like we have the power of God in us.  That power is AMAZING!

Why do I do that?  Why do I think I can't do something, anything, that He has called me to.  What does it take for me to live in the knowledge of what a mighty God I have?

Faith the size of a mustard seed.  Power that can raise the dead, that can create a world...all with a spoken word.

There are so many people heavy on my heart.  Situations that seem to have no earthly solution.  A world that seems so evil.  It is easy to feel overwhelmed, even defeated.

But the same Power.

"Greater is He that is living in Me, He's conquered our enemy.  No power of darkness, no weapon prevails, we stand here in victory."

1 Chronicles 29:11
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.

Ephesians 1:19-21
And what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.