Who You Say I Am

Last night was our first time back to Small Group after our summer break.  

I LOVE my small group!  We eat, we laugh, we cry, we share in each other's lives, we enjoy being together.  We are able to be real with each other whether it is in rejoicing or the ugly stuff that life brings our way.

Last night we laughed a lot, a product I'm sure of missing each other and finally being back together.

Somehow in the course of our storytelling and laughing, I shared some (funny) things from my past which somehow led to some things (not so funny) that had been said to me as a teenager.  Things that hurt more than I will ever be able to comprehend.  Words said by people whose words carry a bunch of weight.

The evening went on and we laughed a whole lot more, but somehow speaking about that pulled a band-aid off an old wound.  I found myself thinking about it late into the night and even this morning. It's crazy, and awful, how we can put things behind us but sometimes when we least expect it there it is again.

I don't want to deal with this anymore.  I am tired of those words having power over me.  

While I was getting ready for work and thinking about all this How He Loves came on my playlist. 

Man!  How He Loves ME!  

Our pastor has been making sure we hear "God loves who you are where you are right now. Not some future version of you.  He also loves you too much to leave you where you are.  It's ok not to be ok."

I thought of THOSE words as I got ready this morning.  All the times and different places in my life where Jesus has loved me right where I was AND how HE has changed me.  He knew my thoughts and my battle this morning and was so gracious to remind me who I am.

Words carry a lot of weight with me and I am confident Satan will continue to use them to tempt me to believe a lie, but I am so thankful He is faithful to replace those lies with His truth.

I pray that as much as I choose to believe His truth about me I keep in mind that He feels the same about others.  I want my words to carry life not hurt and pain.  

7 Days

 4 years ago I sat at my computer and wrote about the 4 years of High School coming our way.  4 years left with this girl.

I couldn't have even imagined then all that those 4 years would hold. I knew we were getting on a roller coaster ride, but man what a ride. I knew then it would go fast, but I had no idea how fast.
I wrote about how she was talking of going away for college, but neither of us had any idea how far away she would truly go.

Our family has been through more in 4 years than I would have ever thought possible.  Family members with cancer and other health challenges, school changes, learning (and struggling) to parent 2 teens well, I have worked off and on, marriage challenges, church changes, and more.  Through it ALL God has proven faithful, but the roller coaster ride has been fast and furious.

So here I sit 4 years later.  The house is quiet and I am once again feeling the affects of time.
7 days.  I have 7 days until she boards a plane and heads to Costa Rica.

She asked me yesterday how I was doing with this.  And so I told her....  It is harder every day.  I am crazy proud of you.  I KNOW this is right.  I have peace about you going.  I am just sad you won't be here.   I know you are coming back in 9 months, but you will be different, our relationship will be different.  I am excited for that, but a little sad about it too.  You are crossing over from being my child to being my friend.  You will always be my baby and I will always be your mom, but it will just be different.  For the last 18 years you have needed ME for things, but now you have to go "adult".  It is a good thing.  It is what parents are supposed to do, train you to go out and be and do all God made you for, still it is hard on a momma's heart.

 In 7 days I will stand in the Atlanta airport and hug her with 4 months of love (she is coming home for Christmas) and send her on an adventure of a lifetime. I will pray with all that I am that God does BIG things in and through her and I will always thank Him that the last 4 years didn't change her for bad but only became a part of her story.

She is an amazing woman.  She is made for amazing things for His Glory.

Go do Big things for the Kingdom baby girl!

A Call to Arms

Nearly 18 years ago I stood in my parents' kitchen as my dad held my newborn.  He asked me "How do you feel about raising a child in this world we live in?"

 It was something I had thought about all through my pregnancy. I answered "I'm scared.  I can't imagine a world that is crazier than it is now even though I know it will only get worse.  Some days I want Jesus to come back while she is still little so she won't experience all the horrible things in the world.  However, another part of me can't wait to see who she grows up to be and all that she will accomplish."

When I had a second child 5 years later the concern for their future, for the condition of the society we would leave them, had only grown. I have thought about that conversation many times over the last 17+ years; as we have indeed watched this world get crazier and crazier.

Earlier this week that little girl my dad held so long ago asked me, "Mom, do you think God would send me to Iraq?"  I waited for my heart to lurch, for the fear to creep in, but it didn't.  We had a conversation into the night about trusting the Lord's leadership, His plans, His will, His timing and more.

I think what if God called her to stay in the United States. What is it going to look like here in a few years?    I wonder what the life of a true Christian in the U.S. will be like in the coming years. I am confident there isn't a "safe" place anymore BUT, there is an almighty, all powerful God.

This morning I sit in my room and contemplate all that is going on in this world.  I especially think about all that is going on in my country.  I think about the hate, the lawlessness, the corruptness, the evil.  The lost.  The lost people acting like lost people.  I think about the growing persecution of Christians. I think about Christian brothers/sisters attacking each other instead of spreading the Gospel.

I am sure of very little these days.  A few things I am sure of:

• God hasn't stepped off His throne
• He IS good and in control
• Jesus is the ONLY answer for the turmoil this world is in
• He loves people
• His heart breaks for the condition of this world
• He doesn't want ANY person to perish without Him 
• He has called that girl of mine to tell people about Him and where He sends her He will go before her and with her.
• He wants Christians to get over themselves and get about the business of the Father

My heart is sad this morning. What I am asking myself is, "Am I sad because my comfort has been challenged or because there are lost dying and going to hell?" and "What am I going to do about it?"

I ask you the same questions.  Will politics, or gun control, or the state of society, or theology cause us to fight each other, or will it urge us to put on the armor of God and enter a Spiritual battle?

Dear 30 year old Me

Dear 30 yr old Me,

You have a 3-year-old and an 8-year-old.  You are working.  A LOT.  It all seems so overwhelming and you are longing for the day when it gets easier.

Each day you are just trying to get through and ending with guilt that says you didn't do enough.

You are looking forward to the days when the kids are older.  Old enough to take care of things for themselves.  Old enough to help you with more around the house.  Old enough to .......

You are also stressing that you aren't spending enough time with them now. You are so tired and they are getting the short end of the stick.

10 years from now you are going to be staring at them realizing they are old enough for all those things you were wishing for 10 years ago.  Now you have one that is about to be a Senior in H.S. and one about to go into 7th grade.  A Senior.  Oh dear Jesus, how did we get here so fast?!?!

So self, slow down!  Realize that all the stressers of the day are temporary.  The little things are just that, little things.  Soak it up.  And when you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up.  They are gonna happen and life is going to keep moving.  FAST.

You have beautiful girls.  They are funny, smart, talented, gifted, loving girls.  Enjoy every aspect of them.  They are also strong-willed and that is NOT bad.  Guide that, teach them how to channel that into something to use for God.

Pray for them, over them, and with them. Because the world is against them and Satan is going to attack them.

Right now it seems impossible to realize that one day they will be grown and you WILL indeed miss this phase, but I promise at 40 you will begin to see that one day (way too soon) they will be aching to spread their own wings and be grown. You will want to go back and soak up every single second.

If I could tell you anything it would be that you are enough.  You are enough for them even on your bad days because you are the mom ordained for them to have. Hug them, read to them, watch that movie with them, dance in the car with them, be silly with them, laugh with them, and when you mess up apologize to them and keep moving.  Teach them every day about Jesus, teach them to KNOW who they are in Christ, teach them to serve God and others. Teach them that they are enough too; they are enough to do whatever God has planned for them to do.

The next 10 years are going to be a roller coaster.  Some days you are just going to want to get off.  But don't quit momma.  Hang in there.  It is worth the ride.

Not Guilty

I have several people in my life who speak truth to me even when it is hard.  One of those people has asked me on more than one occasion, "How do you walk in forgiveness in this situation?"

Truthfully, not always often well.  Walking in forgiveness, choosing forgiveness is crazy hard.  Just because we say the words "I forgive you"  doesn't wave a magic wand over the situation and take away the hurt that may have been caused or even lasting consequences. When those hurts come back up or the consequences we have to walk in daily show up, how do we walk in forgiveness?

This isn't a how-to blog post.  It is more of  an "I'm still learning, what you got on how-to?" kind of post.

My Discipleship group study has challenged me to think hard about what I think walking in forgiveness looks like.  I'm re-learning what Grace looks like.  Grace that only comes from a Heavenly Father.

I signed a song a few years ago and I haven't heard it in a long time.  But, multiple times in the last 2 weeks it has come across my path.  One of those times was yesterday in the car by myself.  I had to acknowledge that God was trying to tell me something.  I got my Mandisa CD out and listened to Not Guilty a couple of times and let HIS message sink into my heart.

The challenge I was given and am wrestling through is this:  Grace.  Not the idea of Grace, but the giving and receiving of Grace.

A Holy God loved me and desired me so much that even while I was still sinful He chose me.  He willing sacrificed His Son to have a relationship with me.  Even when He knew just how bad I would screw up, even when He knew the wrong choices I would make and the filth I would walk in He still chose me.  Chose me to the point of death for His Son so that I could have eternal life with Him.  He paid my price.

I celebrate that Grace.  I sit in awe of the fact that He is Holy and He wants me. But how do I put that into practice with others?

 The song Not Guilty helped me see that He doesn't just see me that way.  The people who I need to walk in forgiveness with, that I need to extend Grace to.....He sees them the same way.  That is a little harder, at least for me.  When people hurt us we feel righteous in our anger and unforgiveness.  It is so hard to see them through the eyes of a loving Father who wants a right relationship with them as much as He wants with me.  But He does.

I'm not sure it is ever EASY to walk in forgiveness  BUT, when I use the cross as my lens, I can't help but acknowledge my own guilt and shame and see that for me to rejoice in the Grace given me I MUST know that it is available to the ones who have hurt me as well.  Grace and Forgiveness were not given to me because I deserved them or earned them.  God doesn't ask me to wait until I feel like someone has earned forgiveness.  He doesn't even ask me to wait until they ask for it.  He just tells me to walk in it, because He gave it to me.  It may or may not restore the relationship with those who have hurt me, but it WILL restore my relationship with Him.

 AH, and there it is. What my heart needs above all else.  A right relationship with my Savior.

20 Years Later. I Still Miss You.

Dear Little One,

You would be 20 this month. I can not believe it has been that long.  I can't believe I am old enough to have a 20-year-old.

20 years since I learned that a culmination of bad choices had led to a sweet child growing inside of me.

I wept when I learned of you.  I immediately wondered what my parents would say.  What would people think?  What would your father say and do? What am I going to do?   I confess, for a mere minute or 2 I considered abortion, but quickly realized I would never be able to do that.  For a few hours I considered adoption, but I realized that while I had no idea how I would care for you.........I wanted YOU!

I was 19 years old.   I had a mediocre job at a bank. I had my own car.  I had just finished  my first year of college (It wasn't pretty, but I finished it).   I thought I had all the answers.  I was living life my way.

The following weeks were a snowball of consequences for my choices.  Within days of learning of you, I had lost my job.  I had told my parents of you, thus breaking their hearts. We told my family and then our church, leaving many people hurt and angry. And then.......

I began to cramp while at a friends house.  I had never felt such pain.  I had not been to a Dr.  No one told me that cramping while pregnant wasn't good. Then I began to bleed.

I honestly don't remember all the events of the hours that followed.  I only remember that  I was told I had miscarried you.  I didn't believe it.  I thought somehow you were still growing inside me.  They had made a mistake.

How do you mourn someone you have never met?  How do you love so deeply a child you never saw or got to hold?  I did, though.  I still do.  I miss you.

I think of you often.

I have always thought you are a boy;  though I never gave you a name.

I know now that your short time with me was not wasted.  God used you, and the loss of you, to turn my heart back to Him. It was one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. Through the loss of you, He placed women in my life who invested in me and taught me so much about my loving Father. It was the turning point for me.  It was my rock bottom.

I didn't change overnight.  It was a grueling process. I had to let go of so many things, not just you.

I began to learn how to have a relationship with my Jesus. You changed me.  I believe He allowed you to be conceived and lost so that I would see my deep need for Him. He changed me.

There have been 4 more babies since you were conceived.  2 are still with me and 2 are with you.

I wonder if you 3 know each other.  Do you spend time with each other?  I wonder often how Heaven works with babies that pass away.

I still have the baby booties that the pregnancy center gave me when they told me of you.  I hang them on the Christmas tree every year.  I think of you.  I miss you.  I tell your sisters about you.

I am a mother of 5.  I long for the day when we are all together.  I can't wait to finally hold you and see your sweet face. I want to see and hold your siblings that you have gotten to know, but I haven't.  Until that day, rest in the arms of Jesus.

20 years, baby.  I still miss you.

Love,
Momma

The Same Power

Blogging hasn't been something I have been able to do in a long time.  I have tried.  The words just wouldn't come together.  I have a couple of drafts sitting waiting to be finished.   I don't really think they ever will be.  This morning there is a thought I want to try to put together.

The power of God in me.

Not long ago my girls and I were on our way to somewhere and the radio was on.  The song "Same Power"  by Jeremy Camp was on.  I think we may have been singing along, but I'm sure I wasn't really thinking about the words.  Then, my oldest daughter said from the back seat "You know, that is really amazing."

Me:  What is?
Mae:  That the same power that rose Jesus from the dead lives in me.

Quiet

Me:  It is amazing.  And deep.
E:  What are y'all talking about.
Me:  The same power that it took to raise the dead,
Mae:  to move mountains
Me: to create the world with a word.  That same power is living in us if we have Jesus in our hearts. We often live in fear, or live our lives defeated.  But we SHOULD be living like we have the power of God in us.  That power is AMAZING!

Why do I do that?  Why do I think I can't do something, anything, that He has called me to.  What does it take for me to live in the knowledge of what a mighty God I have?

Faith the size of a mustard seed.  Power that can raise the dead, that can create a world...all with a spoken word.

There are so many people heavy on my heart.  Situations that seem to have no earthly solution.  A world that seems so evil.  It is easy to feel overwhelmed, even defeated.

But the same Power.

"Greater is He that is living in Me, He's conquered our enemy.  No power of darkness, no weapon prevails, we stand here in victory."

1 Chronicles 29:11
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.

Ephesians 1:19-21
And what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.

Disclaimer For Seeking Him

As we are wrapping up this study at church I feel like I have to give a disclaimer.

If I am not careful I can become a "Bible Study Junkie".  You know what I mean?  Just going from study to study, learning something, but not really being changed.  It can be as much about fellowship as actual Bible Study.

In December I saw a need to get in The Word more with my family, specifically my oldest daughter.  I was looking for a study we could do together when I learned we would begin Seeking Him at church at the beginning of the year.  I set my search aside and decided that M and I would do this study with the ladies of our church.

I will be painfully honest, I really didn't think I had a lot to work on.  I know I am not perfect, I know I have some struggles, but before we started this study I thought for the most part I was "doing ok".  God must have given that sad smile we give our kids when we know they are about to learn a life  lesson....the hard way.

As we began to deal with Humility, Honesty, Repentance, Grace, Holiness, Obedience, Forgiveness (and more) He began to show me the ugly.  The Great Physician opened me up and the stench came out.  Then He said "Now, we can get to work.  First we have to remove the infection and THEN the real healing begins."

Truth?  It hasn't always been  wasn't ever easy.  It has been painful and heart wrenching.  At the beginning of the book it asked the question most Bible Studies ask:  Why did you take this study?  I wrote my answer and at the end wrote "I am hoping for a personal revival.  I fear walking away unchanged."  He didn't ignore my request.

I have learned that pride is a huge sin that I have allowed to fester and must deal with and allow Him to remove. I have learned that God has placed in my life and in His Word true examples of Godly humility and I can and should learn from them.  I have learned and/or been reminded how vast is the grace of God. I have learned how honesty, repentance, holiness and obedience work together and ways I need to put each attribute into practice in my life.  I have had to seek forgiveness and give it.  I have learned that I wasn't "doing ok" like I thought, BUT that He wasn't writing me off.  Thank you, Jesus, He isn't done refining me!

There have been times when I told God "ENOUGH!  I don't want to do this anymore!"  He always reminds me of when I was in labor with M.  The epidural did not work and 20+ hours into labor I was exhausted and scared.  When they told me it was time to push and I thought my body could NOT take anymore pain I screamed at the Dr and my husband "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!  I CAN'T DO THIS!"  They smiled and told me "You ARE doing this.  You have no choice, we are here now."  Breathe. Push. Breathe.

So my disclaimer for Seeking Him is this:
Do not take this study if you are looking for just another study to do with your friends.  Do not take this study if you aren't willing to be gut wrenchingly honest with God.  Do not take this study if you don't want Him to expose your ugly and ask you to deal with it.  Do not take this study if you just want Him to leave you unchanged.
However, if personal revival is what you seek, if your desire is to walk into a deeper relationship with Him, if you want to truly surrender all, if you are willing to allow Him to strip it all away in order to bring you out different, more like Him ....  the Bible Study Seeking Him is a good place to start.

It will be hard work.  It could get pretty painful.  The outcome, though, is something beautiful.  He won't leave your side.  Breathe. Push.  Breathe.

His Amazing Love

 A few weeks ago during my quiet time I was looking for a video for How He Loves by David Crowder Band and came across one with some excerpts from sermons from Matt Chandler and John Piper.  It was exactly what I needed to be reminded of that day. I have played it over and over in my quiet times lately and have shared it with my daughters and my husband.  We are all in different "phases" of life and our Christian walk, but still need to be reminded of His love for us.  We need to be reminded of the fact that He knew how messy we would be and still He loves, still He chose to go to the cross for us.

Last week the ladies in our church began a Bible Study together, Seeking Him by Nancy Lee DeMoss and Tim Grissom.  Megan and I both joined and I am looking forward to going through it with her.  The first week was challenging, sometimes painful and made me get real and answer honestly things I didn't necessarily want to answer; however it is GOOD!!  One day that was particularly convicting I pulled the above video up and just closed my eyes and took it in.  Then off to the side I saw a link to another video.  Our study has taken us several times to the book of Hosea, so the link peaked my interest.  I ended up with another video I have pulled up often in the last week and have shared with Megan and Rick. It was awesome since Megan was not familiar with the story of Hosea and Gomer.  Let's be honest it isn't a story we teach in Sunday School mixed in with Noah, Moses, Gideon,Samson, Ruth and Esther.  I explained the story from the Bible to her and then we watched the video together.

He paid the ultimate price for what was already His.  I already belonged to Christ; He is my creator.  He paid to buy me back. He paid with His Son's life.  Oh How He Loves!!  I can't wrap my head around it.  I can't comprehend it. I can't be grateful enough.

The knowledge of His love for me makes me want to dig in deep to the study Seeking Him, lean in close to my Savior and come out on the other side changed. It makes me want to line up with Him and live in a way that glorifies Him because of the way He loves me.

Beer in My Daughter's Backpack

My youngest was pretty determined that I not take a nap today.  It wasn't really a nap I was hoping for; really I just wanted some time to close the bedroom door and talk through some things with Rick.  Heartbreak and despair were close to happening for my girl, though.  She couldn't find her pack of Hubba Bubba bubble gum that she bought with her last $2.  $2 that, until a couple of days ago, had been lost for a really long time.  Seeing the trend yet?  We informed her that bubble gum was not the kind of thing that warranted interrupting and sent her on her sad little way.

When our conversation came to an end I went to help her go through her room looking for the lost Hubba Bubba.  While there I saw her backpack and searched it. Pause with me for a moment....my daughter is (in)famous for 2 things:  Losing things, and hiding things in random places.  She sees no problem with this. I want to scream over it.  SO, searching bizarre places in her room is normal.  Back to my story....I knew she hadn't used her backpack for 2 weeks, but anything is possible in E's room.

I didn't find the gum.  What I DID find was her lunchbox and water bottle from the last day of school before Christmas break.  2 WEEKS AGO! Just to help paint a picture for you ~ that day for lunch she had something in a baggie but I really couldn't figure out what it was, spaghetti in a thermos (the smell, oh my goodness), and a half empty water bottle.  Not one of those plastic kinds with the cute little flip up straw, no the kind that are aluminum and have the tight seal on the lid.  

I was done looking for that Orange Crush flavored sugar rush.  I had to get this science experiment to the kitchen. I cleaned out all the garbage and put the thermos to soak in super hot soapy water.  I didn't throw up.  I gagged a lot, but I didn't throw up.  Now to clean out the water bottle.  I couldn't get it open.  It was stuck. I got two towels, one for each hand to help with my grip, all the while marveling at E's ability to close this thing so tightly.

Finally, when I thought my already jacked up back was not going to let me fight this thing anymore, there was a pop, a loud hiss, and a spray EVERYWHERE!  It scared me to death. I stood still with my eyes closed for a second.  Checked to make sure I still had all my bodyparts.  Then I smelled the smell.  It smelled like someone had shook up a can of beer and popped the top.  That is the moment I realized I had not put water in her water bottle.  Nope, that would make too much sense.  I opened my eyes to see a foaming amber liquid pouring out of my girls's water bottle.  That day 2 weeks ago I had put apple juice in her water bottle.  And now, it was all  over me, all over the walls, all over E's art project, all over the clean dishes, even all over the ceiling.

Just in case you need a science project idea for your kids apparently if you keep apple juice sealed real tight for a couple of weeks you get apple beer or apple wine....you get fermented apple juice and a kitchen and some clothes that smell like you've had more than a few.

Life lessons for me:  Don't pack apple juice in my daughter's backpack on the last day of school at all, ever again.  Always, always, always make sure they put their lunch boxes in the kitchen BEFORE they take their backpacks upstairs.  Be prepared for anything coming out of E's room (or backpack).

You read the title and thought I was gonna spill some juicy tidbits from the Landess house didn't you?  Shame on you.  :)

By the way, we never did find the gum.

Too Much Information

Ah, the information age.  Sometimes I think it isn't all is cracked up to be. I will admit I can do internet research like nobody's business and I am pretty addicted to social media, but some days I think it isn't so much a blessing as a curse.

We can diagnose ourselves thanks to WebMd and pretty much always learn no matter what your ailment you are most likely dying.  We can look up any recipe we might ever want and if Google can't find it Pinterest will have 478 variations of it along with beautiful pictures my food will never measure up to. We can find ideas to throw the biggest, best party ever. We can find a review for any product we want to buy, at least you will be able to read the negative reviews; positive comments are harder to come by.  We can see what Urbanspoon says about a restaurant  we want to try and find out if it is worth our time.  There is marriage advice, parenting advice, friend advice, church advice, movie reviews.............
OH MY GOODNESS!

We have made it even easier to be ungrateful for where we are at or what we have by comparing ourselves to others based on the blips of info people put out on Facebook and Twitter.  We spend hours on Pinterest wishing and dreaming for the house, the wardrobe, the body, the cooking abilities, the party planning ability and budget.  I do say we because I am so very guilty.

What has gotten me thinking today, though, is all the advice blogs/articles/info out there.

Have you talked to your child about drugs, sex, porn, etc..  Have you blessed your husband, are you submitting, is he your #1 priority, 101 date ideas, etc..  Does your church do community work, do you have the right kind of music, does your church get involved with missions, etc.. Are you taking care of you, having a quiet time, organizing your home, preparing your meals, dressing well, etc.  Are you affirming your children, disciplining your children, giving your children boundaries, setting electronic time, getting them active, getting them in extracurricular stuff, don't put them in extracurricular stuff etc.  Do you eat organic, natural, palleo, Mcdonalds; do you vaccinate or not vaccinate.....and all the how's and why's you should AND should not being doing for all these things.

If you have posted and/or written a blog on any or all of these topics I am not judging or criticizing!  I think there is a ton of helpful advice out there.  However, for me, someone who is a worry wart it is TMI!
Forget it, worry wart is too gentle; for someone who has struggled with deep anxiety and who still struggles at times all this info can lead to worry and anxiety.  Did I hug my kids enough today?  When will I find time to have all these different talks with them?  What horrible things will happen to them if I DON'T have all these talks with them.  Does my husband know I love and appreciate him.  Am I doing enough at church?  Am I doing too much at church?  What is my motivation behind what I do at church?

All of a sudden I am not just comparing myself with others I am over-analyzing all I need to do with all that I am/am not doing.  Que the guilt and anxiety.

I know what you are thinking.  "No one is making you read those blogs, search for those articles, look at those recipes, peruse (for hours) Pinterest."  I say, "You are so right!!"  I am going to be much more selective about what I am reading, limiting how much "help" stuff I read in a day or even a week (or at all).  I am going to continue to have conversations with my kids and try to stay up on the social media stuff that they are into (which is little to none).  I am going to continue to pray over them, with them and for them.  I am going to talk to my husband about what our relationship needs.  I am going to continue to pray over, with and for him.   I am going to look to God and His word for where I should or should not be involved in our church and our community.  THEN, I am going to learn (from Him) to trust Him more.  To trust Him for the outcome, to trust Him to walk us through when the outcome isn't what we expected or wanted, to trust Him to guide us in our relationships.

I am going to do these things BEFORE I get info from the internet, regardless of how good the information  may be. I am just trying to put a filter on all the "stuff".  We   I can spend so much time reading about all the stuff I need to do or not do that I get overwhelmed and can get stuck in the pattern of "I'm not doing anything right."  Let's get real...most of these articles contradict each other at some point. The truth is I will never measure up to all that other's think I should be/say/do. Do I even want to? Do I even care what others think about how I measure up?  More than I should, less than I used to.

Oh, this information age.  Too much, too much.

Four More Years

Every year I look forward to summer break.  Things slow down, we get to sleep in, we spend days at the pool, we spend days in our p.j.s watching movies, we go to the library and then spend several days just reading and it is good.  Then, it always seems like we wake up one morning and realize school is right around the corner and we haven't done half of the things we wanted to do that summer break.

Every year I say "It seems like summer break just flew by.  It goes by faster and faster every year."  This year was no exception.  It seemed like we did not really even get a break.  Things did not slow down. We spent only a few days at the pool (thanks to all the rain).  We have been to the library once.  We HAVE been going like crazy, but it has been service related for the most part and it has been good. I do feel, though, that this summer break has gone faster than all the others

A few weeks ago Megan and I were alone in the car for whatever reason and it dawned on me while I was driving that she will be 15 in 3 months.  FIFTEEN!  I asked her if she would be wanting to get her driving permit when she turned 15  which she answered with a resounding YES!  So we talked about what she needed to start doing now to be ready for the test.  Then, when we were almost home I said quietly "I can't believe we are having this conversation."  She just smiled.

Since then I have thought more and more about the fact that my first born, my baby, will be starting High School in 2 weeks.  Time.  It won't stop, it won't slow down. It feels like we just brought her home from the hospital wondering what in the world we were supposed to do now.

Assuming she goes away to college like she has talked about for awhile now, we have 4 more years.  4 more years.  IT ISN'T ENOUGH.
Ever since she started Youth activities she has been busier.  This year we are throwing marching band into the mix and I can tell we just entered a new kind of crazy busy...our new normal.  A new phase of life for our family.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not complaining.  Quite the contrary, I am amazed at all she does.  I am loving watching her blossom and grow into the woman God is molding her to be.  I would be lying, though, if I didn't admit I wish we could slow it down.

From that conversation about driving a few weeks ago until now my mind has been all over the place.  My mommy heart was a little sad that we are here staring down High School.  My mind was stuck on the 4 more years and how little time that is.  I'm working on bringing my thoughts back full circle though.  Instead of thinking I only have 4 more years; I'm working on thinking I still have 4 more years.

Society has taught us to dread the teen years.  I will be honest I know who I was in my teen years..yikes!  I will be honest, too, and say that for years I was dreading the teen years.  However, now that we are here I don't know why we are ingrained to dread this time.  It has it challenges but so did every other phase of life.  Hanging out with her (as well as other teens at our church) is a lot of FUN! This time doesn't have to be terrible, in fact, it shouldn't be terrible.

I have no idea what is in store in the next 4 years.  I DO know this ~ I can hang on tight -too tight - and squeeze my eyes shut and just wait for the ride to be over.  ~ OR  ~  I can throw my hands in the air, let the wind blow through my hair, laugh loud and often, and enjoy the ride with my girl.

It will get crazy, that ride.  I'm sure of it.  Upside down, loop to loops, crazy turns, up hill and down. I'm not really a roller coaster kinda girl, but for my Megan, yup I will ride that ride.

I STILL have 4 more years.

Mexican Night

So a few have asked for the recipes to the Mexican Pizza, Taco Seasoning, and Re-fried Beans. So here we go....

I got the Mexican Pizza recipe here.  Where it calls for 1/2 lb. of beef I used a full pound; it makes 2 pizzas with a 1/2 lb and I needed 4.  In step 2.  where it calls to add the onion, and spices I skipped that part and after I drained and rinsed my meat I added homemade taco seasoning instead.  We use this one.  I have tried several different taco seasoning recipes and this one is our favorite by far.

For the re-fried beans.... I cook them first in my pressure cooker.  I almost never remember to pre-soak them  so this is the way to go.  1/2 lb of beans, 4 cups of  natural chicken stock (homemade if I have it), 2 bay leaves, half of a yellow onion sliced, 3 whole cloves of garlic, a dash of cumin, dash of salt, dash of paprika, dash of chili powder, and 4 tsp of olive oil (this keeps it from foaming).  35 minutes in the pressure cooker.  If you don't have a pressure cooker there are usually directions on the bag of pinto beans on how to cook them.  You would need to pre-soak them over night or follow the fast soak recipe on the bag and then cook them for about 2 hrs with the ingredients listed above.

After the pressure releases from the pressure cooker I use this recipe (for the most part) to finish them off.  I use a little of the broth and milk to cook them in the pot (after I have sauted the onion and garlic).  I cut back to 1 tsp of cumin.  Rick likes the cumin I don't so you add or subtract however you like it. Also, her recipe is using a full lb of beans and I only do half so I cut this recipe in half (duh, I know).

After I have made my meat and beans the way we like them instead of the way the Mexican Pizza recipe calls for I follow the rest of that recipe the way it is written.  I tweeked each persons toppings to their flavor preferences some got tomato and green onion, some just onion and one person no veggies on top.

I served the remaining re-fried beans as a side ( I added a little cheese and organic salsa to it) along with Salsa and Food Should Taste Good Natural Multi-Grain Chips.  If I had planned ahead better I might have served this.  It is the only way I have gotten my family to eat cauliflower and it works well with Mexican food. We were more than stuffed after our Mexican pizzas though so I don't feel like anything was missing.

It sounds like a lot of steps, but it really was pretty easy.  You may need to plan ahead a little.  It took me less than an hour start to finish.  That includes the cooking time on the beans which I was able to start and go do other things during the cooking time.  I wasn't standing over the stove for an hour.

Hope you guys enjoy!!

Pause The Busy-ness

There have been several different blog posts floating around in my brain this week, but there just hasn't been time to write them.  Maybe that has been for good reason.  I have been thinking through it all this morning and decided to just sit and type and see what happens.

This week is Spring Break.  Usually that would mean a lot of sleeping in, staying up late, reading, outdoor fun, basically whatever we wanted to do.  This year, however, Megan went on a Mission trip, I am hosting Easter at our home, a death in our church family of a dear sweet lady, my regular household chores, and basically a legal pad two columns full of my 'to-do" list for this week. Needless to say my mind and heart haven't really been focused a whole lot on Holy week, but  more on all that I needed to get done.

The start of the week began with a death in our church family that left everyone reeling.  From diagnosis to death it all happened so quick.  She and her husband were/are pillars of faith in our church and instrumental in our visiting multiple times and eventually joining Ooltewah Baptist Church.  I sang with her in the choir, worked along side of her in Awana, and only knew her for 7 short months.  I wish it had been longer.  On Palm Sunday our church processed that news and Easter felt different this year.  Death is NOT final for Mrs. Elaine.  Death is NOT final for me.  Sin and death have been defeated.  Our  service was bitter sweet.  The message so good; I love when God takes something I have heard all my life and teaches me something new from it.

I left church Sunday morning ready to face the week in a state of worship all week.  I let life get in the way this week though.  There is SO much going on right now, most of it good things and more than this blog can hold, but they have kept me so busy I have not had my focus on having a heart of worship.


My "to do" list is almost completely marked off (Oh, my OCD crazy LOVES that!) and I will most likely get it all done before the family arrives Sunday afternoon.  This morning, however, when  someone on Facebook said "It's Friday but Sundays a comin;".  I HAD to stop.  Stop being busy.  Stop worrying about how I will get it all done. Stop and meditate on what happened on Good Friday. Stop and acknowledge that it was MY sin that held Him there.  Stop and reflect on the price that HAD to be paid and He willing paid it for ME. Stop and be thankful. Stop and praise Him that He is not dead, He is ALIVE!  My sin is forgiven, my debt has been paid, and death is not final!

Be Still

A little less than a year ago there was a whole lot going on in our family.  Not that there isn't a lot going on now, but last year it was a different kind of "a lot".  Most of it very few people knew about.  Our family, Rick and I specifically, were in the midst of spiritual warfare that was tougher than any we had been through in our marriage. Our marriage has seen it's share of issues just like any other, but that wasn't what was happening.  In fact, through it all last year, our marriage has come out stronger than ever.  The battle was strong and the oppression seemed stronger.

I remember sometime last spring telling Rick that I felt like I was constantly fighting.  Fighting the kids, fighting with him, fighting against Satan.  I told him I felt like the warfare was too much and I was war weary.  He spoke wisdom to me that day (have I ever told you how much I love that man??) and it was exactly what I needed.  He said "I understand what you are saying, but God doesn't ask you to always fight.  Sometimes He wants you to be still and let Him fight for you."  I can be a bit of an arguer and I like to have the last word.  I tried to come back with something, but I had nothing I had to let that sink in and let his words of wisdom wash over me.

There are times I KNOW I am called into battle.  I have told you about that  before.  I had not considered up to that point that God not only doesn't  need me to fight, he doesn't always want me to fight.  I have spent a lot of time in this past year learning the difference between the two.  I have spent time looking for places in God's word where He tells me He is my mighty warrior; learning the songs that give praise to the Lord our Mighty Warrior.  I have learned to lean in hard to Him and to ask Him to fight for me and to help me to be still and to know when it is my time to enter the battle.

In this past year we have made some very hard decisions for our family. We have walked away from what was familiar for the last 15 years.  In this last 6 months God has shown us in so many ways that the fight was not only necessary it was for our good.  The ways He has proved Himself to be trustworthy, loving, faithful, and good are more than I can count.

This past week some old demons, if you will, have raised their heads and I have found myself once again fighting and weary.  This morning God brought to my mind that conversation with my husband last spring and some verses I learned this past year shortly after that conversation.  "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still"  Exodus 14:14 and "The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is His name" Exodus 15:3.
I hear the call once again, not into battle, but into rest.

A Laundry Ditty

I hate laundry.  Laundry day at my house is every Tuesday and Friday.  I try, I really do try, to be grateful that we have clothes; I try to be grateful that I have these 3 wonderful people in my life that I am "able" to do laundry for.  I probably could be a little more grateful if they would not dirty so much.  Reality:  I try to be grateful, but when I am being gut wrenchingly honest.... I HATE LAUNDRY!!

Last year it was time to replace my dryer.  The dryer we were replacing was one we had purchased off of Craigs List for $100.  My sister and her 2 boys were living with us at that time and my parents' hand-me down dryer that we had owned since Rick and I married had given out.  With 3 adults and 4 kids in this house hanging wet clothes got old fast so we purchased a dryer the guy said was on it's last leg, but it was all we could afford then.  When the Craigs List dryer gave up the ghost last year we decided to also replace my parent's hand-me down washer with it and get a set.

I did a lot of research and hoped that this would be the cure to my hate of laundry.  The set we settled on said they both sang a little tune when they were done.  HOW COOL!!!  How could you not want to do laundry when your machines sings to you.  I mean come on!!  So we purchased them, had them installed, and brought all the dirty clothes to the laundry room.  Success!  I wanted to do laundry!

That lasted for a couple of months.  Now, that little ditty that my machines play taunts me.  It isn't just a little jingle, it is a SONG!  It calls me, and I mumble hateful words under my breath.  Sometimes I answer it's call, sometimes I don't.  Mostly I just wonder why I ever thought that little ditty would make me want to do laundry.  I might have yelled at it to SHUT UP a time or two, who knows.

They really should let you program your own song into the machines.  Something to get you motivated like Eye of the Tiger or Another One Bites The Dust by Queen.  It could play something that just goes along with the fact that I would rather be doing anything other than laundry like Knee Deep by Jimmy Buffet and Zac Brown Band.  Or if it was really good it could just feed me compliments with You Are So Beautiful by Joe Cocker. Now THAT is a laundry duo I could get along with.

Megan and Missions

My Megan.  She is an amazing person.  We have told her all her life, since she was a baby, that God has special plans for her life.  When she was old enough to understand what we were saying she began to ask how we knew that to be true.  We have told her how we almost lost her in pregnancy.  We have told her about an early labor/delivery with some difficulties and how she wasn't breathing well when she was born.  We have told her about some health issues she had when she was little.  We have told her about 2 different near death experiences she had before she was 5 yrs. old.  We tell her that God could have taken her to heaven at any of those times, but He didn't.  We have told her over and over about how we see God moving in her life and about the spiritual growth we see in her.  We tell her we KNOW He has special plans for her life and if she will allow Him to lead her to that purpose she will see what an AWESOME God He is.

She is shy.  She is funny.  She is gifted.  She is independent.  She is strong-willed.  She is tender-hearted.    She is loyal.   She loves deeply.  She is a friend to the friendless.  She seeks out those standing in the shadows.  She has a broken heart for the lost kids in her school.  She teases her sister mercilessly, but will defend her fiercely.  She loves Jesus and she wants other to also.

When she was in second or third grade she got off the bus one afternoon a little sad.  I asked her what was wrong and she told me about a boy on her bus that she had been talking to about Jesus.  She told me with surprise that he didn't know who Jesus was and he had never had a Bible.  She was so shocked to hear that anyone wouldn't have a Bible.  She HAD to get him a Bible.  So we did, and she wrote in it for him and couldn't wait to give it to him.  She would ask him every day if he was reading it.  He was, with his mom.  We don't see him anymore and don't know the outcome, but I do know those are 2 people she planted seed in.

It isn't unusual for her to get in the car in the afternoon and with tears streaming tell me "I don't think 'so-and-so' is a Christian."  She will tell me what happened to bring her to that conclusion and then she will ALWAYS say to me "Mom, we have to start praying for them."  Then, she will make sure we do every night.

Last night we had a missions emphasis at our church.  We had never been to a service like this one, but our whole family enjoyed it very much.  We were split into groups and rotated between 3 sessions.  Megan was in a different group than the 3 of us and I wondered if she would be bored and not pay attention.  On the contrary, when we met up with her her face was lit up.  She couldn't quit talking about the youth missions trip being considered for 2014. In the car on the way home she couldn't contain herself.  She told us how enthralled she was in every session.  She was pulled into the stories of the missionaries, and the facts given about the need for workers.  Then she said something I didn't expect to hear "Mom, Dad, I think I want to be a missionary.  I know I will have to get over being shy and I will work on that, but I really think this is what I want to do."

We talked for a long time last night about missionaries.  Rick and I shared some of our short term mission trip experiences with her.  She shared with me before bed more reasons why she thought this might be what God is calling her to.  She teared up.  I did too.  We prayed together for God's guidance now and in the years to come.  WE prayed for her heart to be open and tender to His leading.  We prayed for the mission opportunities that are before us now.  We thanked God for our church and the heart the staff and the people have for missions. We thanked God for who He created her to be and the tender heart for the lost that He gave her.  We prayed for her protection from the evil one who will try to distract her.  We prayed for courage.  

I don't know where this road will lead.  I don't presume to know what God has planned for my girl, but I am privileged to be her mom and to be along for the ride.

My Megan.  She is an amazing person!

Chosen

There is an ebb and flow that comes in my quiet time with my Jesus; I'm sure this is true for most everyone.  There are times when I spend time in the Word and prayer and while it is good it isn't earth moving.  There are times when no matter how hard I try to "get something" from my time with Him He seems silent.  Then there are times where He is so obviously present and speaking to my heart that I don't want to move from that place of devotion because I don't want it to end.

This morning was one of those precious moments.  My scripture reading was in Revelation which is sometimes hard for me to understand.  I did, however, try to imagine what it will be like to worship at His feet, with the angels, around His throne.....I'm confidant my imagination will never do it justice.

As my time turned to prayer He was faithful to bring to my heart and mind areas where confession was needed.  Confession turned to intercession for many I love.  Part of that intercession was for several families I know walking the road to adoption or have recently adopted.  Families who put themselves out there to rescue children realizing that at some point it could end in heart ache.  The plan is obviously to enter a relationship with that child/ren, to guide them to Jesus, to be their Mommy and Daddy, to give them a better life.  There is always that knowledge in the back of their mind though that something could change and that relationship might never be, that their heart could be shattered.  Still they put themselves out there willing to risk the hurt for the chance to be that child's parent.

As I prayed for these families God spoke to my heart that had just confessed my failings to Him.  Isn't that just what He did for us? He created us.  He created each person just exactly the way they are, flaws and all, because He wanted YOU exactly the way you are.  He could have made us little robots who immediately chose to do His bidding.  He could have created us to be perfect, acting and being the best little Christians.  Instead, He gave us free will.  He put Himself out there and then gave us a choice.  He risked the heartache of our rejecting Him.

 I do believe that if He created me to be just exactly who HE wanted to me it is because He desires to enter into relationship with ME and if I reject that relationship His heart is broken. He chose me, He wants to adopt me into His family.  He wants to give me a better life than the one I would have without Him.  He wants my obedience, but He also wants my love. He wants my life surrendered to Him. He wants an intimate relationship with me.  He wants to guide me.  He wants to comfort me.  He wants to teach me to be like Him.  He wants to be my Abba Father, my Daddy. He wants ME!

I chose years ago to accept His offer of sonship/daughtership and even though I fail Him He has never let me go.  I am overwhelmed by Him this morning.

UPDATE: 11/4/13

Almost a year has passed since I wrote this post and yesterday's Sunday School lesson brought it to mind.  The families I was praying for that day have all seen a final result to their adoption journey.  One family just recently returned from Ethiopia with their son.  One family walked the whole pregnancy and birth experience with a lady in their town who chose adoption instead of abortion. They recently celebrated their son's 6 month "birthday".  One family knew the heartache of an adoption journey that did not end the way they thought it would.  Two children did not and will not come "home".  Each family chose to walk the adoption journey knowing that there was a chance that it could end in sadness and not celebration. Still, they chose to follow God's leading and step into that journey.

As we talked about adoption into God's family yesterday in Sunday School I remembered the days and days of prayers for these families and it once again brought home to me how God chooses us.  He will pursue each of us.  He will offer the gift of adoption of sonship.  He will put Himself out there knowing some will accept and some won't.  He will risk the heartache because He loves each individual so much and He desires that relationship. I am once again so thankful for an Abba Father who loved me so much he chose me.  He adopted me into His family.  He gave me the option of accepting Him or rejecting Him.  He knew it could mean sadness instead of celebration, still He chose me.

Matriarchs of My Faith

This morning I was cleaning away like I try to do most every Monday morning if I am on top of my game.  My music was loud and I was elbow deep into bathroom cleaning when the phone rang.  I could not get to it in time and so ended up listening to a message from a voice I hadn't heard in quite some time.  A lady, whose family were members of a church my dad pastor-ed years ago, called to let me know another lady had passed away this morning.

I have not seen Jean Rader in a  very long time and if I'm being honest assumed she had already passed away years ago.  When I was probably around 8 or 9, give or take, she was Mama Jean and her mother was Granny Robertson to my family.  They were members of our church and were so kind to my family.  Most likely they were equally kind to every family in our church, but back then in my mind my family was extra special to them.  Granny Robertson made amazingly yummy homemade bread and Mama Jean always had some sugar-free candy in her purse or the candy dish in her home for us.  I remember meals in their home and some of the sweetest hugs ever came from those two ladies.  I say I assumed Mama Jean had already passed away because in my young mind they were both "so old" back then, but my "older yet wiser" self tells me they weren't really.

Hearing of her death didn't bring tears; like I said I haven't seen her in decades.  It did, however, bring my mind to the women who have been a part of my life who have passed away recently.  That, in turn, led me to thinking about the women past and present who have been Matriarchs of My Faith.  Mama Jean and Granny Robertson were definitely two of those as well as the lady who called me today and of course my Mom.

There were so many names that came to mind and I thought I would list them all and the things I learned from them, but I knew that would make this way too long and I'm sure I would forget some ladies.  Suffice it to say I have been blessed with women who lived out their faith in front of me.  There have been women who have been a part of my life at different stages of my life and some it seems have just always been there.  Some who may not even know that they made an impact on me.  Some who maybe I didn't know at the time what an impact their faithful walk would make on my life until I was older.  I have seen examples of Godly marriages, examples of being faithful when life falls apart, examples of Godly parenting, examples of close intimate relationships with Jesus, and SO much more. I am so grateful for the women God has placed in my life all through out my life.

My thoughts then  turned to MY example to OTHER girls/women.  Am I a Matriarch of Faith to any of the girls and women who come across my path?  I certainly hope first and foremost I am to my daughters, but what about others???  I'm praying for a boldness that does not come natural to me.  A boldness that comes from God alone.  I'm praying for chances to invest in the lives of  girls/women that come across my path in ways that will impact the Kingdom.

I may never know this side of Heaven the lives God allows me to invest in just like I am sure there are women who don't realize how much they invested in me.  I can just imagine though that in Heaven there will be some gab fests.  Women circled around each other hugging, laughing, and sharing all that we have meant to each other.  I can't wait!

Calvary Love

God has been doing such a work in me through our church.  It seems that in every service/class there is a conviction and a knowledge that I have a lot of work to do. The Gospel Project in Sunday School, the new members class on "What Is The Church?", 1 John on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights are coming from the book "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges, and Beth Moore "Mercy Triumphs: the Book of James" on Wednesday nights.  A common "thread" seems to be "Am I putting my faith into action?"  Are my words and thoughts towards the world condescending?  Are my thoughts and words and actions towards fellow believers right, are they pure, do they reflect Christ's love?  I have found myself lacking in a lot of areas.

If you know me at all you know I tend to have an opinion about anything and I tend to speak before I think.  I will then over-think everything I said once I have walked away and usually wish I could take back 50% of what I said and rephrase the other 50%.  One of the things Beth Moore said last week in Bible Study was "He knows when your motive was right but your mouth messed up." I am so thankful for that!  I had a moment like that Sunday in Sunday School.  I made a statement that I meant with good intentions, but the way I said it was condescending and prideful.  It has bothered me all week and I have laid it at the feet of Jesus and I'm trying not to pick it back up.

There are other times, however, when I just say things that are NOT meant with good intentions and are not pleasing to my Father.  They certainly don't "flesh out" (as our Pastor says) God's love.  Our Pastor referenced a small book by Amy Carmichael called "IF. What Do I Know Of Calvary Love?"  I had heard of Amy Carmichael, I had read her story, but I had never heard of this little book.  He referenced several parts of it and I left that morning so convicted by my attitude and things I say about others.  I ordered the book on Amazon and while you could sit down and read it in 15 min. I have broken it down to a little bit each morning, some mornings just re-reading parts and always praying where the Holy Spirit convicts (which is pretty much every morning).  One statement that I know I struggle with is:  "If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting 'who made thee to differ? and what hast thou that thou hast not received?' then I know nothing of Calvary love".
 I know who I have been and what I have done.  I know who I am now and how I fail Him.  What would ever make me think I should belittle or talk about someone??

The school crossing guard at Erika's school is someone I have talked about negatively almost every morning that I drive her to school for as long as I can remember.  She always has a scowl on her face and seems to be someone who really hates her job.  I in turn have criticized the way she does her job and the fact that she can be so sarcastic with the looks and hand motions she gives people in the morning and wondered aloud "why she does this job if she hates it so much?".  I have never wondered what is going on in her life that has made her so unhappy.  I have never prayed for her. I have rarely even smiled at her.  I have never prayed prayers of gratefulness that she puts her life in danger to keep my children safe and have certainly never prayed for her safety.

This morning while taking Megan to school an ambulance passed us going the other way towards Hunter Rd.  While on my way home I heard on the radio that just about 15 min prior our school crossing guard was hit by a car.  The report was that she was hit hard, it was serious, and she was rushed to the hospital.  I don't know if she is ok, I don't know if she died, I don't know if she knows my Jesus.  I DO know I never "fleshed out" my Jesus towards her. My heart aches this morning for her and that I failed my Savior. I immediately prayed  for her, her family, and the other person involved. Then I laid my sin before my Father and am praying for a changed heart towards others.

I don't want to be that kind of person.  I want to love people the way Jesus loves.  I am thankful that He is a forgiving God.  I am thankful that He is still changing and refining me.  I am thankful for His discipline, even though it hurts, because that means He loves me and wants to change me "for my good and for His glory".  How could I not share that with others??

"If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love." ~ Amy Carmichael