God has been doing such a work in me through our church. It seems that in every service/class there is a conviction and a knowledge that I have a lot of work to do. The Gospel Project in Sunday School, the new members class on "What Is The Church?", 1 John on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights are coming from the book "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges, and Beth Moore "Mercy Triumphs: the Book of James" on Wednesday nights. A common "thread" seems to be "Am I putting my faith into action?" Are my words and thoughts towards the world condescending? Are my thoughts and words and actions towards fellow believers right, are they pure, do they reflect Christ's love? I have found myself lacking in a lot of areas.
If you know me at all you know I tend to have an opinion about anything and I tend to speak before I think. I will then over-think everything I said once I have walked away and usually wish I could take back 50% of what I said and rephrase the other 50%. One of the things Beth Moore said last week in Bible Study was "He knows when your motive was right but your mouth messed up." I am so thankful for that! I had a moment like that Sunday in Sunday School. I made a statement that I meant with good intentions, but the way I said it was condescending and prideful. It has bothered me all week and I have laid it at the feet of Jesus and I'm trying not to pick it back up.
There are other times, however, when I just say things that are NOT meant with good intentions and are not pleasing to my Father. They certainly don't "flesh out" (as our Pastor says) God's love. Our Pastor referenced a small book by Amy Carmichael called "IF. What Do I Know Of Calvary Love?" I had heard of Amy Carmichael, I had read her story, but I had never heard of this little book. He referenced several parts of it and I left that morning so convicted by my attitude and things I say about others. I ordered the book on Amazon and while you could sit down and read it in 15 min. I have broken it down to a little bit each morning, some mornings just re-reading parts and always praying where the Holy Spirit convicts (which is pretty much every morning). One statement that I know I struggle with is: "If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting 'who made thee to differ? and what hast thou that thou hast not received?' then I know nothing of Calvary love".
I know who I have been and what I have done. I know who I am now and how I fail Him. What would ever make me think I should belittle or talk about someone??
The school crossing guard at Erika's school is someone I have talked about negatively almost every morning that I drive her to school for as long as I can remember. She always has a scowl on her face and seems to be someone who really hates her job. I in turn have criticized the way she does her job and the fact that she can be so sarcastic with the looks and hand motions she gives people in the morning and wondered aloud "why she does this job if she hates it so much?". I have never wondered what is going on in her life that has made her so unhappy. I have never prayed for her. I have rarely even smiled at her. I have never prayed prayers of gratefulness that she puts her life in danger to keep my children safe and have certainly never prayed for her safety.
This morning while taking Megan to school an ambulance passed us going the other way towards Hunter Rd. While on my way home I heard on the radio that just about 15 min prior our school crossing guard was hit by a car. The report was that she was hit hard, it was serious, and she was rushed to the hospital. I don't know if she is ok, I don't know if she died, I don't know if she knows my Jesus. I DO know I never "fleshed out" my Jesus towards her. My heart aches this morning for her and that I failed my Savior. I immediately prayed for her, her family, and the other person involved. Then I laid my sin before my Father and am praying for a changed heart towards others.
I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to love people the way Jesus loves. I am thankful that He is a forgiving God. I am thankful that He is still changing and refining me. I am thankful for His discipline, even though it hurts, because that means He loves me and wants to change me "for my good and for His glory". How could I not share that with others??
"If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love." ~ Amy Carmichael
