When I first started thinking about the past year and what I wanted to blog about I originally was thinking what a terrible year it was. Then I read some things some other friends have gone through and really began to reflect on this year and realized while it has had some tough challenges it was not as bad as it could have been.
We made some pretty big lifestyle changes with running and eating this year. We can tell a difference even though you may not be able to since a lot of the changes have been internal (emotionally as well as health wise). We were truly inspired to keep working towards our goal when we got to witness my cousin's husband Gary finish his first marathon.Of course, I can't forget we ran our first 5k in June. I never would have thought I could or would do something like that, but I DID IT!!!!
We cancelled our trip to Disney where Rick was going to run his first half marathon because our septic system "died" and we spent all of our Disney money putting new field lines in our house. It was incredibly disappointing to realize we wouldn't be able to make it but knew that God was in it. We had just received our tax return and Rick had just gotten a large bonus from work and so we had the money on hand to pay for it all. Had it happened any other time of the year we would not have had the funds.
In March we got to go to Texas to see me grandparents for the first time in over 2 years. It was bittersweet for sure. To see my grandmother with Alzheimer's was heartbreaking. I will be forever thankful for the time I got with her while she still knew who I was.
We survived the tornadoes of April 27th, one touching down about a mile from our house. We could see God's protective hand on us when we walked out of our house and there were trees down all around us and homes destroyed everywhere, but we were fine. It was overwhelming to say the least.
I had my first ever "speaking engagement". I spoke at my mom's church at their mother-daughter banquet. I spoke on Trusting God. Satan had attacked before this event, but even harder since. Trusting Him, Fearing not, not being anxious are areas that have been such a struggle this year. Anxiety for me this year has been worse than it has ever been, and yet God has taught me so much this year. I'm looking forward to the day I do not struggle with fear and anxiety. It may not be until I get to Heaven, but I hope not.
I have made several new friends this year, most of them out of discovering we have walked the same difficult road in some way or the other . I am always thankful for new friends. I have also gotten to know some people better that I have known for awhile and I love that too. I also have relationships I have to do better on, even seek some healing in. That is one of my prayers for this new year.
I have seen so many people I care about struggle this year. Whether it was cancer, other illnesses, marriage struggles, children issues, depression, loss or other things. I have spent a whole lot of time in prayer for so many this year and while I wish hard times never happened it has been an honor to lift so many up to my Father. It has been a healing balm for me on days when I felt anxiety would swallow me whole to take my eyes off myself and lift others up. To stand in the gap for them. I have loved seeing answered prayer and I am looking forward to more of them this year.
We became parents of a teenager this year. AAHHHH! When Megan was born I immediately began to worry about 2 things. Potty training and teen years. We survived potty training, I'm not so sure about the teen years :D That makes me pray a lot too. Seriously though, I don't want to rush these years and I don't want to hate them. We have our issues but all in all she is a GREAT kid and I adore her.
Erika is still a mama's girl and I have decided she will probably never leave home. :D She still keeps us laughing, but she is also entering the tween years. Oh, the attitude that comes out and I begin to wonder what happened to the complacent little girl?? She is such a giving person, who loves to make people laugh and do whatever to keep the peace. I am truly blessed.
There is so much more that has happened in our life, but there is one other thing that I want to remember about this year. Today I finished reading through the Bible in a year for the first time. I have read it through one other time, but it took me almost 3 years. I don't know if it is right or wrong to be proud of that, but I am. Not just because I finished it, but because all the things I learned with my Savior this year. The times when I could read some passage back to Him as praise, or as a cry of my heart. The tear stained pages, the notes in the margin, the underlines...all evidence of my walk with my Jesus this year. That will be my favorite thing that happened in 2011.
So I welcome 2012, and wonder what it will hold for me and my family. I wonder what it will hold for my extended family and my friends and all those I have prayed for in 2011. Tonight I am thankful that even though I started out thinking this has been a terrible year I realized that a lot of it was just living life. Living the ups and downs of life with the amazing people God blessed me with. It wasn't all bad after all, it actually was pretty ok.
Happy New Year!!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A Healthier Landess Family
The road to weight loss a healthier life has a lot of ups and downs. I realize, of course, I am not stating anything profound or some bit of new information to anyone.
Most everyone knows about our decision to start running at the beginning of this year, and you probably know our family struggles with weight issues. The running triggered something in this family that I hope never dies out. A strong desire to be healthy. It has been a roller coaster of "stuff" with running and eating habits all year long. The two never seemed to match up, we were never exercising AND eating right. Obviously the two together work best :).
We have made a lot of life style changes this last year. Slowly, one step at a time, trial and error, starts and stops, failures, and victories...we have learned a lot. Some of the things we have done are.. take out processed food from our diet (almost completely, you may find a few things in our pantry but not much), making most everything from scratch, adding lots of veggies, some fruits, and low fat meats, buying organic when it is on sale and we can afford it, eating more fish and chicken and less red meat (I love red meat so it will never leave our diet completely), we have switched from white bread/flour/pasta to whole wheat and whole grain and very few carbs in a day, drinking way more water, and running (not so much lately), zumba, Just Dance (don't laugh it is a great workout!!).
We love to find and try new recipes so this year we have not given into "diet food" salad and bland stuff. We have really enjoyed searching for and trying new recipes and we will just keep doing that. We have realized that to make lifestyle changes, not go on a diet, we had to find foods we loved to eat. We have not made all these changes at once, but little bits here and there and it has been a lot of ups and downs.
Last week I stumbled upon a blog (http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/what-i-miss-from-135lbs-ago/) about a college girl who lost 135 #s and she loves to cook. Obviously we love to cook (and eat) so I was intrigued and decided to read some. The blog post I read was about what she missed from being overweight and what she love about being 135#s thinner. I never had thought about anything good about being overweight and it made me think. I obviously have a long way to go to be where I need to be HEALTHY (not skinny), but I decided to write what I miss about "not giving a crap" about what I eat, and what I look forward to about being in better shape.
What I miss....The simplicity of processed food, just grabbing something and heating it up. I get tired of cooking all the time. Chips, oh my word I miss chips!! Pizza. Eating out (we eat out some but not like before). Eating out at a buffet and eating till I thought I might be sick (ok maybe I don't miss that one a whole lot). Diet Coke. The comfort from junk food, especially if eaten while watching a chick flick.
What I don't miss...Hating myself for every bite of junk I ate, feeling sick from eating so much crap, the sadness that comes with comforting myself with food.
What I am looking forward to....being healthy, being off meds, being able to run without wondering if it will kill me, being fit and healthy as a family, being able to look my girls in the eye and know I didn't make good choices for them early on but we changed it together, shopping in the cute clothes department.
You should read this girls blog she puts it so much better than I and I can so relate!
I am not to the "healthy" point I want to be at yet, but I am healthier today than I was on Jan 1,2011 even though I am not a whole lot skinnier (13#s down and a WHOLE lot more to go). My goal is a healthier Landess family and a little skinnier wouldn't be so bad either!
Most everyone knows about our decision to start running at the beginning of this year, and you probably know our family struggles with weight issues. The running triggered something in this family that I hope never dies out. A strong desire to be healthy. It has been a roller coaster of "stuff" with running and eating habits all year long. The two never seemed to match up, we were never exercising AND eating right. Obviously the two together work best :).
We have made a lot of life style changes this last year. Slowly, one step at a time, trial and error, starts and stops, failures, and victories...we have learned a lot. Some of the things we have done are.. take out processed food from our diet (almost completely, you may find a few things in our pantry but not much), making most everything from scratch, adding lots of veggies, some fruits, and low fat meats, buying organic when it is on sale and we can afford it, eating more fish and chicken and less red meat (I love red meat so it will never leave our diet completely), we have switched from white bread/flour/pasta to whole wheat and whole grain and very few carbs in a day, drinking way more water, and running (not so much lately), zumba, Just Dance (don't laugh it is a great workout!!).
We love to find and try new recipes so this year we have not given into "diet food" salad and bland stuff. We have really enjoyed searching for and trying new recipes and we will just keep doing that. We have realized that to make lifestyle changes, not go on a diet, we had to find foods we loved to eat. We have not made all these changes at once, but little bits here and there and it has been a lot of ups and downs.
Last week I stumbled upon a blog (http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/what-i-miss-from-135lbs-ago/) about a college girl who lost 135 #s and she loves to cook. Obviously we love to cook (and eat) so I was intrigued and decided to read some. The blog post I read was about what she missed from being overweight and what she love about being 135#s thinner. I never had thought about anything good about being overweight and it made me think. I obviously have a long way to go to be where I need to be HEALTHY (not skinny), but I decided to write what I miss about "not giving a crap" about what I eat, and what I look forward to about being in better shape.
What I miss....The simplicity of processed food, just grabbing something and heating it up. I get tired of cooking all the time. Chips, oh my word I miss chips!! Pizza. Eating out (we eat out some but not like before). Eating out at a buffet and eating till I thought I might be sick (ok maybe I don't miss that one a whole lot). Diet Coke. The comfort from junk food, especially if eaten while watching a chick flick.
What I don't miss...Hating myself for every bite of junk I ate, feeling sick from eating so much crap, the sadness that comes with comforting myself with food.
What I am looking forward to....being healthy, being off meds, being able to run without wondering if it will kill me, being fit and healthy as a family, being able to look my girls in the eye and know I didn't make good choices for them early on but we changed it together, shopping in the cute clothes department.
You should read this girls blog she puts it so much better than I and I can so relate!
I am not to the "healthy" point I want to be at yet, but I am healthier today than I was on Jan 1,2011 even though I am not a whole lot skinnier (13#s down and a WHOLE lot more to go). My goal is a healthier Landess family and a little skinnier wouldn't be so bad either!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Good Grief
I think the older I get the more of a clutz I become. It is really irritating.
You know that moment when you spend a good 15 min chopping up veggies for a "good for you" salad when you really want pizza. You put turkey on it instead of fried chicken. And a healthy vinaigrette instead of bleu cheese. Oh, who am I kidding, I did use the bleu cheese, but only a little!! (the rest is true though!) Then you decide to put just a little Season Salt on it to add a little flavor and oh snap you open the wrong part of the lid and dump HALF the stupid salt on one section of your salad. Seriously, does anyone else know what I am talking about??? Am I the only clutz around here??
So the question before me was can I save the salad or make another one. Darn it, I have no desire to make another one. So I scrape as much salt as I can out...there goes my precious little bit of bleu cheese. If I stir it good I can spread out the salt through the salad AND I may get a little taste of dressing in each bite. Just to be sure I will have a HUGE glass of water to drink. I tried to eat it (I hate waste, I really do!) but even with a ton of water to drink I couldn't handle it. I still have no desire to make another salad so I decide I will just make a toasted turkey and cheese sandwich. I burnt that stupid toast!
Forget it, I will just have a spoon of peanut butter!
You know that moment when you spend a good 15 min chopping up veggies for a "good for you" salad when you really want pizza. You put turkey on it instead of fried chicken. And a healthy vinaigrette instead of bleu cheese. Oh, who am I kidding, I did use the bleu cheese, but only a little!! (the rest is true though!) Then you decide to put just a little Season Salt on it to add a little flavor and oh snap you open the wrong part of the lid and dump HALF the stupid salt on one section of your salad. Seriously, does anyone else know what I am talking about??? Am I the only clutz around here??
So the question before me was can I save the salad or make another one. Darn it, I have no desire to make another one. So I scrape as much salt as I can out...there goes my precious little bit of bleu cheese. If I stir it good I can spread out the salt through the salad AND I may get a little taste of dressing in each bite. Just to be sure I will have a HUGE glass of water to drink. I tried to eat it (I hate waste, I really do!) but even with a ton of water to drink I couldn't handle it. I still have no desire to make another salad so I decide I will just make a toasted turkey and cheese sandwich. I burnt that stupid toast!
Forget it, I will just have a spoon of peanut butter!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Beauty From Ashes
God is pretty amazing! The last week or so God has just proved Himself over and over for Rick and I.
There are things you learn in church and spout off in Sunday School, small groups, or in conversations with people. You say them with great intentions and a true belief in what your are saying and then God moves in your life to actually PROVE His promises to you. It leaves me so in awe of Him and His unending love for me.
If you had told Rick or I 17+ yrs ago (or even some times in the course of our marriage) that God would take our tragedies, our poor choices, our angers, our hurts, our rebellious hearts, our bitterness, and our failures and use them for His glory we would have not only laughed but called you a liar. He has done just that though. God has worked those past situations that were so painful, so life altering, and so ugly and used them for His glory in our own lives. We would never have believed we would be praying in public (me), or teaching a class (Rick), or meeting with people to share our experiences with them (both of us). He changed us both from something so unlike Christ to people who want to point others to Christ.
God has allowed us to do things over the years for Him and He has put people in our path that we have first hand experience in what they are going through and we can come alongside them. Lately, God has put numerous situations in both of our lives that He has "required" us to draw from our past failures and hurts to help someone else. It has been painful at times for us, going back is never easy you relive your mistakes and the pain they caused you as well as others. At the same time it is so awesome to see where God has brought us through it all. It is humbling to know that God can use us and not just that He can but that He wants to use us. Sometimes it has been conversations directly with someone, sometimes it has been standing in the gap for someone in prayer, sometimes it has been a group conversation, sometimes it has been a txt/card/email. In all these situations, though, God has called us to get involved in people's lives to get in the trenches with them, to tell them " God can and will do it for me and HE can and will do it for you".
I have been so awed by my Savior this past week and I think I can speak for my husband and say he has been too. We have not arrived by any means and still have our own struggles daily. We have just been amazed by God lately and His desire to use us in other peoples lives. He truly does make beauty from our ashes!
"He has sent me ...... to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61:2-3
"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.
A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time mourn and a time to dance" Ecclesiastes 3 :1,4
There are things you learn in church and spout off in Sunday School, small groups, or in conversations with people. You say them with great intentions and a true belief in what your are saying and then God moves in your life to actually PROVE His promises to you. It leaves me so in awe of Him and His unending love for me.
If you had told Rick or I 17+ yrs ago (or even some times in the course of our marriage) that God would take our tragedies, our poor choices, our angers, our hurts, our rebellious hearts, our bitterness, and our failures and use them for His glory we would have not only laughed but called you a liar. He has done just that though. God has worked those past situations that were so painful, so life altering, and so ugly and used them for His glory in our own lives. We would never have believed we would be praying in public (me), or teaching a class (Rick), or meeting with people to share our experiences with them (both of us). He changed us both from something so unlike Christ to people who want to point others to Christ.
God has allowed us to do things over the years for Him and He has put people in our path that we have first hand experience in what they are going through and we can come alongside them. Lately, God has put numerous situations in both of our lives that He has "required" us to draw from our past failures and hurts to help someone else. It has been painful at times for us, going back is never easy you relive your mistakes and the pain they caused you as well as others. At the same time it is so awesome to see where God has brought us through it all. It is humbling to know that God can use us and not just that He can but that He wants to use us. Sometimes it has been conversations directly with someone, sometimes it has been standing in the gap for someone in prayer, sometimes it has been a group conversation, sometimes it has been a txt/card/email. In all these situations, though, God has called us to get involved in people's lives to get in the trenches with them, to tell them " God can and will do it for me and HE can and will do it for you".
I have been so awed by my Savior this past week and I think I can speak for my husband and say he has been too. We have not arrived by any means and still have our own struggles daily. We have just been amazed by God lately and His desire to use us in other peoples lives. He truly does make beauty from our ashes!
"He has sent me ...... to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61:2-3
"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.
A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time mourn and a time to dance" Ecclesiastes 3 :1,4
Thursday, October 27, 2011
She Is 8 Today
I am 100% sure God knew what He was doing when He put my babies' birthdays so close together(on the calender, they are 5 yrs apart), but I can tell you it can be a bit difficult on this mommies heart. Actually they were both due on the exact same day (Nov 7th) neither made it to that day, and I am thankful they don't share a birthday.Many of you may know our story of how we came to have our 2nd miracle baby, since some of you may not I will share. When Megan was around 2 we decided we wanted to add to our family. Since we got pregnant so quickly after we married we assumed this would be an easy thing.....God had other plans. I had my second miscarriage when Megan was around a year and a half (my first miscarriage was before Megan) in a time when we were not trying to have another baby and it was difficult, but I chose to try to put it out of my mind. We had Megan after all. So when I got pregnant again shortly after we decided we wanted another and began spotting the same day we found out I rushed to the Dr. who told me it was already too late. I was having my 3rd miscarriage. My heart was crushing in all around me. NOT AGAIN!!!! The Dr. scheduled me for a D and C that next evening and I felt numb. I worried that maybe the baby was ok and we should not go through with the procedure. He and others assured me the baby was already gone, but the procedure was necessary. By the time I came out of surgery and recovery they told me with such apology that the only empty beds were in the mother/baby area....REALLY GOD?!?!?! You want me to recover tonight on a floor where all these women are holding their babies and I am mourning the loss of yet another????????? My parents were there waiting for me and as they wheeled me in the room my dad asked me if I was ok and did I need anything? I said NO I was not ok and I needed to go home. The nurse said in order to go home I had to be able to get up on my own and go to bathroom without assistance. I said "bring me some water" I was getting out of there! There was no way I would stay overnight in this environment.
From there my heart was slow to heal and we tried for 2 more years, but there were no more pregnancies. My heart became hard and bitter and angry at God. This would be the time I began to struggle with anxiety. We tried shots and other things to assist the process anything short of In Vitro we tried it. My Dr. (who is amazing by the way) decided to run some tests and figure out what was going on. We learned that I have Anti-cardiolipin antibodies in my blood (it is in the lupus family) which means my blood tends to clot. When I am pregnant I can get blood clots that cause miscarriages. (add that to the low progesterone I also have). Getting pregnant and staying pregnant with this is incredibly difficult and the risks get higher with every pregnancy and every miscarriage. I was in a full out fight with God now. Thankfully, He didn't give up on me. In depression and anxiety I knew I had to do something to change for my husband and for the child God had already gifted me with. I began to diligently search God's Word for verses on Trust and His Faithfulness. I HAD to believe He was trustworthy and He was Faithful. In the last yr of our 2 and 1/2 yrs of trying for another baby and watching other women have babies God proved to me He is exactly who He says He is and He will do exactly what He says He will do. I HAD to come to the place where if He never gave us another baby I would still love Him, and I would still choose to serve Him. It was one of the sweetest places yet most difficult places in my walk with my Jesus I have ever been. The peace He gave me was unimaginable. We, Rick and I, decided it was time to stop the shots and hormone pills and give away all the baby stuff we were hanging on to. A few weeks later WE WERE PREGNANT!!!!!!!
(This was all before the "Facing The Giants" movie, but I assure you tears were streaming for both Rick and I when we saw it because we could have personally written that part of the story) I rushed to the Dr as soon as I saw the positive sign, the ultrasound showed things looked well, but we weren't taking chances we began that nasty progesterone immediately for 12 weeks. Added to that, this time I would be giving myself blood thinner shots in my abdomen 3x a day. Other than being sick the whole time again and the shots the pregnancy went smoothly. Because of my history of a positive strep test and a breaking up placenta my Dr. decided we needed to induce early. On October 27th 2003 we met our second (and final) miracle baby Erika Hope Landess. She was named Erika after Rick and Hope because we had put all of our hope in our Amazing God.
She has been a momma's girl from day 1. She is feisty and hilarious. She tends to be a bit fearful like me and God is teaching me so that I can teach her. She has an amazing passion for her family, she hates arguments she desperately wants her family to get along and love each other. She thinks Megan hung the moon. Her salvation means a lot to her and she wants to do what God wants her to. She keeps us rolling in the floor with laughter wondering where in the world she comes up with these things. She is the gift we thought we would never receive and had learned to accept. I am so crazy glad God chose to intrust her to Rick and I. She is affectionate and compassionate, a peacemaker and the very thing this family needed to complete it. She is proof that God IS forgiving, faithful, and trustworthy.
Daddy and I love you so much baby! Happy 8th Birthday Erika Hope!!!
Friday, October 21, 2011
How Can She Possibly Be 13????
Rick and I had been married 6 months when we found out we were pregnant. We were not overly surprised but extremely excited. Excitement turned to fear pretty quickly. Having already had one miscarriage the Dr. was very thorough and found my HCG levels were low and I could be having another miscarriage. The first miscarriage rocked my world in a huge way, but that is a long story for another day (if I ever get to the point I want to share). Needless to say we were scared. The Dr. put me on progesterone...it dissolves under your tongue and is disgusting! I took it for 12 weeks and it worked those HCG levels came up but I was one sick girl for my entire pregnancy!! At my 37 week check up we found out I tested positive on the Strep test . It was nothing I had done or not done but it could be serious for the baby so I would need antibiotics for the final 2 weeks. At 37 1/2 weeks though, at around 9pm on a Tuesday, I started having contractions and we called our Dr. He was already at the hospital and asked us to come down and let him check and see how things were. More scary news...my placenta was breaking up and we would need to induce, but that could be a bit of an issue since I hadn't been on the antibiotic long enough.
He admitted me, upped my antibiotics and started pitocin. I won't give you the long dramatic (gross to some) story. The short version is, by midnight we had started the process and I had decided I didn't want to have a baby anymore HA I was scared out of my mind. I didn't sleep all night and by mid morning Wednesday the real pain started. We called for the epidural which I received, sadly it only worked for about an hour and then it was gone. Natural childbirth was NEVER in my birth plan but that sure is what I got. I had one of the other Dr.s in the practice since my baby decided to come after my Dr went home to sleep. HE WAS HORRIBLE!! (He also got fired shortly after, but again that is a whole other story). I was in labor for 23 hours and FINALLY we got to meet Megan Christine Landess, 5 lbs 7 oz and 19 inches long, the most perfect little baby. She came out peeing on the Dr. and when we told her all this she said it was because he was so horrible to her mom. Right ON!!!!We were immediately so in love with this little person!! The worries were not over yet though. She also came out just kinda coughing not really crying and she was quite blue. Right before she delivered they had called SO many people into our room it was crazy. We got to hold her for a few minutes and then they whisked her out of there. They kept her for the remainder of the night. The next morning when they brought her in they said she would be ok, but her lungs were a little under developed. We learned from this experience and many more nothing would come the easy way with Megan. ;)
My little girl would have several health issues over the next couple of years (nothing incredibly major) and a couple of near death experiences. So you can understand why we tell her all the time God has an amazing plan for her life. She should have never been conceived, or survived the first trimester (we would learn that many years later) in the first place.
If you know her you know she is an AMAZING person. She is shy at first but once she knows you she is fun and hilarious. She is incredibly tenderhearted especially towards someone who is being picked on. She is protective of her family. She loves Jesus and desires to do better for Him. She is incredibly smart and inquisitive. She has no problem helping others at school, but she has no patience for people taking advantage of her and she stands up for what is right. She won't let people talk bad about others or treat her with disrespect. 
She isn't perfect we have our struggles. She is very much like me when I was her age. The difference is she will say the things I only thought. We go head to head A LOT. On the other hand though, we also talk a lot about what is going on in her life. I am not naive, I know for everything she tells me there is so much more she doesn't. I will take what she gives me though. I want her to know I am her biggest fan and loudest cheerleader and her prayer warrior. I have made a lot of big mistakes with Megan, all of which I wish I could take back. I haven't always been a good Mommy to her, but she is always forgiving and we push on together.God did an amazing thing when He created Megan. He did an amazing thing when He allowed Rick and I to be her parents. She is one of our miracle babies and we don't take that lightly.
She is turning 13 today and my heart tightens at the thought. We only have 5 or so years with her. How is it possible that that little baby that was peeing on the Dr. is now a teenager???? I have always said it is exciting to see who she will grow up to be, but now I just wish I could stop the clock or even turn it back. Since I can't do either I pray that I will take the good and the bad that these years have to give and cherish every moment of it. I don't want to be one of those parents that says they hate having teenagers, I don't have any doubt it can be hard at times but so was every other stage of her life. This is just a new stage and I want to hang on as tight as I can while I'm learning that I have to begin to let go and let her become her own person. Happy Birthday precious Megan!!! I love you so much and I'm excited to see all that you become!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Worship At The Well
If it is possible to have a week from hell (sorry if that is offensive, but it is the truth!) and have a close walk with my Savior and my husband at the same time that has been the case for me the last 2 weeks.
My anxiety is out of control right now and I am at pretty confused and frustrated about it. I know the Truth, I know Who has my future and the future of my family, I know the irrationality of my fears somehow I just can't get my mind, heart, soul, and body to link up lately. Usually when I hit this point I feel like God is absent and my husband just doesn't get it and so he doesn't want to talk about it. This time though, God has been as close as I have ever felt Him to be, His words of love, acceptance and grace have been whispered lovingly into my ear daily, each moment. My husband has walked with me also speaking words of love and acceptance, next to my Savior he is my rock. He has let me know that I'm not as crazy as I think I am and God is bigger than all of this. This morning he suggested I blog about The Well, our new ministry at Hixson First Baptist. I said that was pretty personal and I didn't think I wanted to do that. He said "You don't have to publish it, but write about it anyway." I decided after my quiet time I would, because maybe someone out there will benefit. Maybe it will just help me today to be a little more real with myself and with others.
I won't lie when I first heard about The Well I was skeptical, and critical. I struggled with several things about it. I prayed a lot about it. Spoke to a couple people about it. Spoke to my husband about it. I decided that I was gonna give this a fair shot and if I stopped going it would only be because God lead me away.
God is pretty amazing, He knows my pride, He knows my struggles, He knows that change can be hard even when it was something we said we wanted, He knows what we need and He always gives it in HIS time.
God knew that these last 2 weeks were gonna be so insanely tough. He knew my heart would be crying out to Him for help. He knew what I needed.
The worship was awesome. Everything I thought it would be, everything I thought I wouldn't like about The Well....IT WAS NOT THERE. The music hit me right where I needed it. From "You are Peace when my fear is crippling.....Oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world forever reign." To a song that was new to me. Song of Moses by Chris Moerman (who led worship) he talked about a part in the song where it says God is our Mighty Warrior. He said we think of Jesus as gentle holding a lamb..and He is that but He is also our Mighty Warrior. OH I NEEDED THAT last night! To know that God isn't just sitting back saying "Its ok" and patting me on the head, He is actively fighting for me! "Oh praise You Lord our Mighty Warrior. Praise you Lord the Glorious One. By His hand we stand in victory. By His name we overcome."
The message Chris gave around the song, his call for us to be a part of worship because we didn't come to a concert but we came to be participants in worship to our God, the message from Bro. Myron about worship....it was all nothing what I expected and everything I needed. Conviction, worship, mercy and love.
I'm excited about what God is doing through The Well, not just in Wednesday night worships, but the upcoming small groups, missions projects and prayer groups. I'm excited about what God is going to do in my heart and I'm looking for how He is going to use me and my family. I know Satan is attacking not just me, but others too and I'm looking to my Mighty Warrior, I'm running to His arms...I know HE WILL STAND IN VICTORY! I want to be a part of that!!!! I want others to be a part of it with us. It is Wednesdays at 6:30, come see what God is doing in the people of Hixson First Baptist.
My anxiety is out of control right now and I am at pretty confused and frustrated about it. I know the Truth, I know Who has my future and the future of my family, I know the irrationality of my fears somehow I just can't get my mind, heart, soul, and body to link up lately. Usually when I hit this point I feel like God is absent and my husband just doesn't get it and so he doesn't want to talk about it. This time though, God has been as close as I have ever felt Him to be, His words of love, acceptance and grace have been whispered lovingly into my ear daily, each moment. My husband has walked with me also speaking words of love and acceptance, next to my Savior he is my rock. He has let me know that I'm not as crazy as I think I am and God is bigger than all of this. This morning he suggested I blog about The Well, our new ministry at Hixson First Baptist. I said that was pretty personal and I didn't think I wanted to do that. He said "You don't have to publish it, but write about it anyway." I decided after my quiet time I would, because maybe someone out there will benefit. Maybe it will just help me today to be a little more real with myself and with others.
I won't lie when I first heard about The Well I was skeptical, and critical. I struggled with several things about it. I prayed a lot about it. Spoke to a couple people about it. Spoke to my husband about it. I decided that I was gonna give this a fair shot and if I stopped going it would only be because God lead me away.
God is pretty amazing, He knows my pride, He knows my struggles, He knows that change can be hard even when it was something we said we wanted, He knows what we need and He always gives it in HIS time.
God knew that these last 2 weeks were gonna be so insanely tough. He knew my heart would be crying out to Him for help. He knew what I needed.
The worship was awesome. Everything I thought it would be, everything I thought I wouldn't like about The Well....IT WAS NOT THERE. The music hit me right where I needed it. From "You are Peace when my fear is crippling.....Oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world forever reign." To a song that was new to me. Song of Moses by Chris Moerman (who led worship) he talked about a part in the song where it says God is our Mighty Warrior. He said we think of Jesus as gentle holding a lamb..and He is that but He is also our Mighty Warrior. OH I NEEDED THAT last night! To know that God isn't just sitting back saying "Its ok" and patting me on the head, He is actively fighting for me! "Oh praise You Lord our Mighty Warrior. Praise you Lord the Glorious One. By His hand we stand in victory. By His name we overcome."
The message Chris gave around the song, his call for us to be a part of worship because we didn't come to a concert but we came to be participants in worship to our God, the message from Bro. Myron about worship....it was all nothing what I expected and everything I needed. Conviction, worship, mercy and love.
I'm excited about what God is doing through The Well, not just in Wednesday night worships, but the upcoming small groups, missions projects and prayer groups. I'm excited about what God is going to do in my heart and I'm looking for how He is going to use me and my family. I know Satan is attacking not just me, but others too and I'm looking to my Mighty Warrior, I'm running to His arms...I know HE WILL STAND IN VICTORY! I want to be a part of that!!!! I want others to be a part of it with us. It is Wednesdays at 6:30, come see what God is doing in the people of Hixson First Baptist.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Fat Is An Ugly Word.
Today I have my Erika home with me. She isn't sick I know that now. She gets up a lot of mornings and says she doesn't feel good usually I talk her through it and off she goes. Today though I let her stay with me.
I left her laying on the couch so I could have my quiet time. When I came back to check on her she was having some goldfish and laughing at a show. She seemed fine.
So I asked her to mute the T.V. and lets talk.
I have noticed that she has been bit of a worry wart since the tornadoes in April, but it hasn't just been towards storms. I told her I noticed she gets a tummy ache almost every morning and when I told her she could stay home today it went right away so it seems she is getting nervous about going to school. I had it in my mind my girl must be getting bullied, or was struggling in some way in class. What she said shocked me and broke my mommy heart!
She is afraid that people are gonna make fun of her because she is "fat" (her words not mine). I asked her if people WERE making fun of her or if that is what she thinks. There have been a few snide comments, but mostly she said she THINKS that is what people are thinking of her especially new people she doesn't know.
We spoke for a little longer then I came to my room to sit with my Jesus with my thoughts. At first I was SO angry at our society that would teach any girl, but especially girls who are SO young, about body image. That my 7 yr old would use the word fat in description of herself and it has her all tore up.
Then my thoughts shifted, I realized I have taught my daughter 2 things that are not valuable to her in any way. How to worry and how to over eat. Two things I am skilled at, two things I never wanted to pass down to my children.
I sat and talked with the only One who knows and understands my heart on this matter. The One who understands that what I want to do with worry and food I do not do. The One who created me, my Megan and my Erika. The One who understands a woman/girls struggle with self image. The One who tells us all we are beautiful, because HE created us. The One who knows how much I want to shift the tide for myself and my girls both with weight and worry. The ONLY ONE who can make those changes in and through us.
So this morning I poured out my heart to Him. I asked for His forgiveness for my failure in these areas. I told Him I have no idea how to move forward for all 4 of us, but I want to. As much as I want it for myself and Rick I want it SO MUCH more for my precious girls.
I left her laying on the couch so I could have my quiet time. When I came back to check on her she was having some goldfish and laughing at a show. She seemed fine.
So I asked her to mute the T.V. and lets talk.
I have noticed that she has been bit of a worry wart since the tornadoes in April, but it hasn't just been towards storms. I told her I noticed she gets a tummy ache almost every morning and when I told her she could stay home today it went right away so it seems she is getting nervous about going to school. I had it in my mind my girl must be getting bullied, or was struggling in some way in class. What she said shocked me and broke my mommy heart!
She is afraid that people are gonna make fun of her because she is "fat" (her words not mine). I asked her if people WERE making fun of her or if that is what she thinks. There have been a few snide comments, but mostly she said she THINKS that is what people are thinking of her especially new people she doesn't know.
We spoke for a little longer then I came to my room to sit with my Jesus with my thoughts. At first I was SO angry at our society that would teach any girl, but especially girls who are SO young, about body image. That my 7 yr old would use the word fat in description of herself and it has her all tore up.
Then my thoughts shifted, I realized I have taught my daughter 2 things that are not valuable to her in any way. How to worry and how to over eat. Two things I am skilled at, two things I never wanted to pass down to my children.
I sat and talked with the only One who knows and understands my heart on this matter. The One who understands that what I want to do with worry and food I do not do. The One who created me, my Megan and my Erika. The One who understands a woman/girls struggle with self image. The One who tells us all we are beautiful, because HE created us. The One who knows how much I want to shift the tide for myself and my girls both with weight and worry. The ONLY ONE who can make those changes in and through us.
So this morning I poured out my heart to Him. I asked for His forgiveness for my failure in these areas. I told Him I have no idea how to move forward for all 4 of us, but I want to. As much as I want it for myself and Rick I want it SO MUCH more for my precious girls.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Overflow Of The Heart
I love to read, I love my shows, I love movies, and I love music. Every once in a while though God has to get my attention and tell me to evaluate how I'm spending my time. To consider what I am putting into my heart and mind. It hasn't been a once or twice conviction..it happens a lot.
I have learned the tell-tell signs to know I'm spending too much time in one of these 4 areas, but I'm sure God will show me other ways to know I'm "out of bounds".
For shows and movies there is always the convicting "Would you watch this with your children". I try to always be careful of what is going into my children's minds, but the last several months I have become more and more convicted of what is going into my mind and heart. DTWS has been one of my favorite shows, it should really embarrass me to tell you that!! Women (read in there ME and my daughter) struggle enough with body image without the help of half naked, nearly perfect women on my T.V. The talk they use to analyze the dances..the sexier the better. These should have all sent me running years ago. It took blatant homosexuality flaunted on the show to give me the push. I'm disappointed with my choices, I'm confidant my Jesus is too.
One of the other tell-tell signs I have learned in the last year when it comes to movies and shows....We love detective shows. It got to the point though where I had set shows I watched at night and re-runs of other shows I watched during the day while doing house work. I became sad, depressed, unsettled, angry, having out-burst. When shows were over or Rick was still watching and I would try to sleep I couldn't sleep. Sometimes anxiety would take over other times I would just be so restless and have nightmares. I knew I was watching too much death, kidnappings, and just shows with a lack of respect for human life. I had to do a serious cut back and when those feelings come back I know to think about what I'm watching.
Music...I love me some country music but lets face it you have to be careful. When I catch myself singing that song and paying attention to the words....and gasp, was I really singing that WITH MY KIDS?!?!?!? I know then way to much secular music has made it's way into our day recently. I love worship music and I love to sing with my kids I have to be the parent and make sure that is what is pumping through our speakers.
Books, oh goodness I love to read!!!!! It is my escape. That's the problem. I learned years ago that I can read very little non-Christian fiction. I don't want the cussing, the sex, and the ungodly story lines. So I switched to Christian fiction. I still have to be careful though. Too much reading, even Christian books, and I will check out of my life and into a "happily ever after world".
The Bible says in Matthew 12:34 "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" When I'm reading all these touchy-feely books A LOT I find myself getting moody, unhappy with how my life is, unhappy in my marriage, unhappy with my kids, unhappy because reality stinks. The result is unhappy things coming out of my mouth, undeserved anger at my husband and kids and my friends. Let's be honest we love the "Cinderella" story, but we know it isn't our life so to get sucked into someone elses "life" feels good (even if we can tell ourselves it's just a book). Then when our life doesn't go along with the "happily ever after" we get unhappy in our day to day stuff/routine/life.
I have had to learn to make getting into God's Word a priority. Then find a balance between Christian fiction, devotionals, and books that will help my Christian walk.
I have not come even close to mastering any of these areas, it is a work in progress, my guess is it always will be. I get the right and the wrong choices out of balance often and God has to send me those tell-tell signs I was telling you about to get my attention.
This is what has been on my mind and heart lately...what heart overflow is coming out of my mouth????
What has your attitude been like lately? Does it have anything to do with what you listen to, watch, or read?
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think on THESE things." Philippians 4:8
I have learned the tell-tell signs to know I'm spending too much time in one of these 4 areas, but I'm sure God will show me other ways to know I'm "out of bounds".
For shows and movies there is always the convicting "Would you watch this with your children". I try to always be careful of what is going into my children's minds, but the last several months I have become more and more convicted of what is going into my mind and heart. DTWS has been one of my favorite shows, it should really embarrass me to tell you that!! Women (read in there ME and my daughter) struggle enough with body image without the help of half naked, nearly perfect women on my T.V. The talk they use to analyze the dances..the sexier the better. These should have all sent me running years ago. It took blatant homosexuality flaunted on the show to give me the push. I'm disappointed with my choices, I'm confidant my Jesus is too.
One of the other tell-tell signs I have learned in the last year when it comes to movies and shows....We love detective shows. It got to the point though where I had set shows I watched at night and re-runs of other shows I watched during the day while doing house work. I became sad, depressed, unsettled, angry, having out-burst. When shows were over or Rick was still watching and I would try to sleep I couldn't sleep. Sometimes anxiety would take over other times I would just be so restless and have nightmares. I knew I was watching too much death, kidnappings, and just shows with a lack of respect for human life. I had to do a serious cut back and when those feelings come back I know to think about what I'm watching.
Music...I love me some country music but lets face it you have to be careful. When I catch myself singing that song and paying attention to the words....and gasp, was I really singing that WITH MY KIDS?!?!?!? I know then way to much secular music has made it's way into our day recently. I love worship music and I love to sing with my kids I have to be the parent and make sure that is what is pumping through our speakers.
Books, oh goodness I love to read!!!!! It is my escape. That's the problem. I learned years ago that I can read very little non-Christian fiction. I don't want the cussing, the sex, and the ungodly story lines. So I switched to Christian fiction. I still have to be careful though. Too much reading, even Christian books, and I will check out of my life and into a "happily ever after world".
The Bible says in Matthew 12:34 "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" When I'm reading all these touchy-feely books A LOT I find myself getting moody, unhappy with how my life is, unhappy in my marriage, unhappy with my kids, unhappy because reality stinks. The result is unhappy things coming out of my mouth, undeserved anger at my husband and kids and my friends. Let's be honest we love the "Cinderella" story, but we know it isn't our life so to get sucked into someone elses "life" feels good (even if we can tell ourselves it's just a book). Then when our life doesn't go along with the "happily ever after" we get unhappy in our day to day stuff/routine/life.
I have had to learn to make getting into God's Word a priority. Then find a balance between Christian fiction, devotionals, and books that will help my Christian walk.
I have not come even close to mastering any of these areas, it is a work in progress, my guess is it always will be. I get the right and the wrong choices out of balance often and God has to send me those tell-tell signs I was telling you about to get my attention.
This is what has been on my mind and heart lately...what heart overflow is coming out of my mouth????
What has your attitude been like lately? Does it have anything to do with what you listen to, watch, or read?
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think on THESE things." Philippians 4:8
Friday, September 9, 2011
Remembering
Like most of you I am remembering things from 10yrs ago. Whether I want to or not (thanks media) "that day" is staring me down. I have had a rough week. Headaches, a low fever, struggling with my thoughts and I told my husband, "I have no idea what is going on!". He just said, " I think it is the day on the calendar" and suddenly I knew he was right and why my mind is at war this week.
I know we all have "our story" of where you were and how you heard the news and what you did in response. Allow me a minute to tell you mine, I will shorten it. 2001 was the year I began battling anxiety,but regardless of fear I knew when I heard about a missions trip I was supposed to go. On Sept. 10th 2001 I boarded a plane with many others from our church to meet an even larger group in Romania for a 10 day missions trip. On Sept. 11, after we landed in Hungary, we loaded a bus for our drive into Romania. We were told they were not planning to make any stops so you can imagine our surprise when we did stop. They told us what was going on back home, they took a "vote" and asked who wanted to go back home and who wanted to stay and do what we came for (we had no idea at that point we had no choice but to stay) I was the only one who voted to go home! :)
I was scared out of my mind, but Rick and I know that God had me in Romania for a reason...to learn a valuable lesson in "Will You Trust ME???" God opened doors to talk to people..they wanted to know how we were still there when our country was under attack. God worked mightily in my life, I learned a lot about how trustworthy my Heavenly Father is.
Fast Forward 10yrs, I still have not read the newspaper my husband bought for me on Sept 12th to give me an idea of what it was like here at home. I still can not watch a 9/11 special with out crying and shaking uncontrollably and I usually will leave the room. I still remember like it was yesterday.
Today I am leaving to go on an over night Women's Retreat.....leaving just like I did 10yrs ago. It isn't nearly as far and God and I have come a long way in the Trust department, but I still struggle. Satan is attacking and I have found myself literally at war in my mind to go on this retreat and not stay home in my "safe place" (as if there really is any such thing). Here I am at another "Will you trust ME????" lesson.
So here is what I read 2 days ago in my quiet time in a book I have been reading Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There by Ruth Graham:
"'Unwavering trust is a rare and precious thing because it often demands a degree of courage that borders on the heroic.' How does it feel to trust God in a storm more forceful than any we've ever known? It feels crazy. It feels out of control. That's why the disciples couldn't do it. Trusting God is not for wimps. Waiting in faith to encounter God's power is tough. If we hope to fare better than the disciples, then we will have to keep returning with determination to the character of God. (my note: she is referring to the passage where the disciples and Jesus are in the boat, a storm rolls in and Jesus is sleeping and the disciples are panicking) We must drill down to the bedrock of who God is and make it our priority to know Him. God longs for us to know His character so we can live resting in our storms, expecting His power, and trusting Him for tomorrow."
SO...I will go on this retreat and I may struggle the whole time I am there, but I will keep going back to what I know about WHO MY GOD IS! I will go back to the scriptures He has taught me to bring me through. I will choose to trust His character!
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
I know we all have "our story" of where you were and how you heard the news and what you did in response. Allow me a minute to tell you mine, I will shorten it. 2001 was the year I began battling anxiety,but regardless of fear I knew when I heard about a missions trip I was supposed to go. On Sept. 10th 2001 I boarded a plane with many others from our church to meet an even larger group in Romania for a 10 day missions trip. On Sept. 11, after we landed in Hungary, we loaded a bus for our drive into Romania. We were told they were not planning to make any stops so you can imagine our surprise when we did stop. They told us what was going on back home, they took a "vote" and asked who wanted to go back home and who wanted to stay and do what we came for (we had no idea at that point we had no choice but to stay) I was the only one who voted to go home! :)
I was scared out of my mind, but Rick and I know that God had me in Romania for a reason...to learn a valuable lesson in "Will You Trust ME???" God opened doors to talk to people..they wanted to know how we were still there when our country was under attack. God worked mightily in my life, I learned a lot about how trustworthy my Heavenly Father is.
Fast Forward 10yrs, I still have not read the newspaper my husband bought for me on Sept 12th to give me an idea of what it was like here at home. I still can not watch a 9/11 special with out crying and shaking uncontrollably and I usually will leave the room. I still remember like it was yesterday.
Today I am leaving to go on an over night Women's Retreat.....leaving just like I did 10yrs ago. It isn't nearly as far and God and I have come a long way in the Trust department, but I still struggle. Satan is attacking and I have found myself literally at war in my mind to go on this retreat and not stay home in my "safe place" (as if there really is any such thing). Here I am at another "Will you trust ME????" lesson.
So here is what I read 2 days ago in my quiet time in a book I have been reading Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There by Ruth Graham:
"'Unwavering trust is a rare and precious thing because it often demands a degree of courage that borders on the heroic.' How does it feel to trust God in a storm more forceful than any we've ever known? It feels crazy. It feels out of control. That's why the disciples couldn't do it. Trusting God is not for wimps. Waiting in faith to encounter God's power is tough. If we hope to fare better than the disciples, then we will have to keep returning with determination to the character of God. (my note: she is referring to the passage where the disciples and Jesus are in the boat, a storm rolls in and Jesus is sleeping and the disciples are panicking) We must drill down to the bedrock of who God is and make it our priority to know Him. God longs for us to know His character so we can live resting in our storms, expecting His power, and trusting Him for tomorrow."
SO...I will go on this retreat and I may struggle the whole time I am there, but I will keep going back to what I know about WHO MY GOD IS! I will go back to the scriptures He has taught me to bring me through. I will choose to trust His character!
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
Friday, September 2, 2011
Growing Up A Myers
Lately I have been reflective about family and growing up and where we are now.
Life as a Myers....my parents were married when they were both 19 yrs old. ~ 40 yrs ago this December. They were living in Tx. where John and I were born. Dad was working as an electrician when he was called to the ministry. So they packed us up and moved to Chattanooga, TN to go to Tn Temple Univ. My dad said that the plan was to finish school and go back to TX, but add 2 more kids, school taking longer than he thought (school by day, work by night) and settling into a church God would later call him to pastor and we never left.
I always said I was still a Texan and as soon as I got old enough I was moving back....I'm still here :) I'm the only one of the 6 of us who is still here, we are spread out all over the place and maybe that is why there are times when I think about the word "family" and MY family and reminisce about when we were all still under the same roof.
4 of us...John, me, David and Carolyn...we could fight oh my goodness we could fight, but we sure weren't gonna let other people pick on one of us. We could laugh too, we all had our friends but we knew how to have a good time together too. Being preacher's kids we got a lot of "stuff" thrown our way and it was really tough at times. Money was tight but my parents kept us in private Christian school..looking back I have no idea how they did that. We moved a lot. We changed schools several times. "Vacation" was going to Texas for a week to see family. We spent a lot of time at the church....events, revivals, cleaning, setting up, tearing down, locking up/last to leave, looking for someone's lost purse or keys. People called at all hours and even while we were on "vacation". Christmas and birthdays were special days a lot times you got what you needed..a slip, underwear, socks, church clothes, shoes..and a couple of things you may have wanted. We didn't have a house full of family. It was almost always just the 6 of us...Christmas my mom still cooked a big meal and birthdays you got to pick dinner of your choice and open presents. There were a few parties here and there but mostly it was just us. At Christmas my parents would take us to the dollar store in the mall and give us each $5 to buy gifts for the other family members one parent would go in with a child and the other would stand outside the store and wait. We thought this was so much fun!
I honestly didn't wish these things were different. I didn't think much about them, it just was the way things were, I assumed everyone was the same way.
There were other things I wished I could have differently and I must admit I was ungrateful a lot. I know now that things we did have were sacrifices for my parents. I know now that the very things I said I would never say or do as a parent are the things I say and do the most. I know now that my parents did the very best they could with what they knew to do. I know now that my parents loved Jesus and tried to exemplify that in their life. I know now that my parents weren't perfect and never claimed to be.
I try to tell my girls to love each other deeply because some day your parents will be gone and you will be each others family. I know now I miss my siblings deeply. I know now that I am jealous of people who have their family all around them and they see each other all the time. I know now that I didn't realize when everyone moved away it would be so hard to stay connected.
When one of my kids says to me "I wish I had a different family" I always say "Take it up with God, He put you right where He knew you needed to be. Tell HIM you think He made a mistake and see what He says!" I remember feeling the same way at times growing up (sorry Mom and Dad), but really who hasn't??
NOW, though, I know I was right where HE wanted me, with the people HE knew I needed to be with. The hard times, the fun times, the times of tears and the times of laughter have made me who I am. I am very thankful God allowed me to grow up a Myers. I love you Dad, Mom, John, David, and Carolyn!!
Life as a Myers....my parents were married when they were both 19 yrs old. ~ 40 yrs ago this December. They were living in Tx. where John and I were born. Dad was working as an electrician when he was called to the ministry. So they packed us up and moved to Chattanooga, TN to go to Tn Temple Univ. My dad said that the plan was to finish school and go back to TX, but add 2 more kids, school taking longer than he thought (school by day, work by night) and settling into a church God would later call him to pastor and we never left.
I always said I was still a Texan and as soon as I got old enough I was moving back....I'm still here :) I'm the only one of the 6 of us who is still here, we are spread out all over the place and maybe that is why there are times when I think about the word "family" and MY family and reminisce about when we were all still under the same roof.
4 of us...John, me, David and Carolyn...we could fight oh my goodness we could fight, but we sure weren't gonna let other people pick on one of us. We could laugh too, we all had our friends but we knew how to have a good time together too. Being preacher's kids we got a lot of "stuff" thrown our way and it was really tough at times. Money was tight but my parents kept us in private Christian school..looking back I have no idea how they did that. We moved a lot. We changed schools several times. "Vacation" was going to Texas for a week to see family. We spent a lot of time at the church....events, revivals, cleaning, setting up, tearing down, locking up/last to leave, looking for someone's lost purse or keys. People called at all hours and even while we were on "vacation". Christmas and birthdays were special days a lot times you got what you needed..a slip, underwear, socks, church clothes, shoes..and a couple of things you may have wanted. We didn't have a house full of family. It was almost always just the 6 of us...Christmas my mom still cooked a big meal and birthdays you got to pick dinner of your choice and open presents. There were a few parties here and there but mostly it was just us. At Christmas my parents would take us to the dollar store in the mall and give us each $5 to buy gifts for the other family members one parent would go in with a child and the other would stand outside the store and wait. We thought this was so much fun!
I honestly didn't wish these things were different. I didn't think much about them, it just was the way things were, I assumed everyone was the same way.
There were other things I wished I could have differently and I must admit I was ungrateful a lot. I know now that things we did have were sacrifices for my parents. I know now that the very things I said I would never say or do as a parent are the things I say and do the most. I know now that my parents did the very best they could with what they knew to do. I know now that my parents loved Jesus and tried to exemplify that in their life. I know now that my parents weren't perfect and never claimed to be.
I try to tell my girls to love each other deeply because some day your parents will be gone and you will be each others family. I know now I miss my siblings deeply. I know now that I am jealous of people who have their family all around them and they see each other all the time. I know now that I didn't realize when everyone moved away it would be so hard to stay connected.
When one of my kids says to me "I wish I had a different family" I always say "Take it up with God, He put you right where He knew you needed to be. Tell HIM you think He made a mistake and see what He says!" I remember feeling the same way at times growing up (sorry Mom and Dad), but really who hasn't??
NOW, though, I know I was right where HE wanted me, with the people HE knew I needed to be with. The hard times, the fun times, the times of tears and the times of laughter have made me who I am. I am very thankful God allowed me to grow up a Myers. I love you Dad, Mom, John, David, and Carolyn!!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Anniversaries, First Day of School, and an Aching Heart
I have been through a roller coaster of emotions this week and truthfully I am quite weary. Monday was insane for who knows what reason, Tuesday was our 14th anniversary.
It was a sweet day for us even though we didn't get to go out. When we got married I worked for the school system and we needed the summer to plan our wedding so we got married 2 weeks before school started. We didn't fast forward several yrs and think that that would mean every year our kids would get school supplies for our anniversary and we would be flat broke. There were gifts for each other and we will go out....some day. :) I feel very proud/thankful of our 14yrs. To say it has been easy would be a lie, we have our issues just like everyone else and there have been times when one or both of us has wanted to throw in the towel, but God is gracious and has walked us through and we are working hard at this thing called life, marriage and family.
Wednesday brought the first day of school which ALWAYS makes me emotional. It brings the reminder that my babies are just getting older, moving on, and we are taking another step in letting go. Megan always takes things in an easy going way, she was nervous but stepped into her first day of 7th grade with the courage I love so much about her. Erika....a whole other story. She started her day insanely grumpy and even hateful to the family. We realized quickly she was pretty scared. I always walk her in (Megan never let me walk her in after Kindergarten) but I think Erika thought 2nd graders don't need mommies and she didn't want people to think she was a baby. She was close to puking, but got out of the car with a look that said you are sending me to my execution and walked in. For the first time EVER I did not cry when I dropped my girls off. I think when she got inside and saw all the mommies there with kids of every age she realized her mistake.
I got home, got out of the car and my cell phone rang. My baby girl was sobbing on the other end begging me to come back. I did. She was sitting in the office silent tears streaming down her face and it was all this mommy could do to hold it together. She proceeded to beg me to take her home with promises she would come the next day. I loved on her and told her I couldn't take her home, but I would walk her to class. More begging, more promises, more tears, and a walk down the hall. I took her in and the sweetest lady I think my girls have ever been blessed to have as teachers walked up to my Erika, hugged her and said "Oh Erika, I'm so glad you are here, I was hoping you would come today." I kissed my girl, walked out, got in my car as quickly as I could and cried the whole way home and for an hour or so. Praying for her through the day. She got off the bus and said it was a great day and she loves her teacher....oh, so do I!!!!
Through out this week we have had multiple conversations with several people... things that have been one blow after another of bad news, heart breaking issues. People we love dearly whom Satan is attacking and situations that at times this week seemed unfix-able. Things that have burdened me so much they have sent me running, laying face down in front of my Father (much like my daughter did Wed.) begging for intervention on behalf of those I love so much. There have been some victories and some times where there are no answers. I don't know what God is doing, and some times trusting is hard, but this morning I am hanging on to the fact my God is STILL God. He loves my family and friends WAY more than I ever could and He didn't step off His throne and not know these things would happen. He is always working out His perfect plan, and His timing and His plans are not always (not usually) my timing or my plans. So while a huge part of me says I want to get off this roller coaster of emotions, being involved in people's lives is too messy and too hard; there is another small part of me that says it is worth the risk. Loving people, being involved, getting dirty, hurting when they hurt, crying when they cry leads to laughing when they laugh and rejoicing when they rejoice and a chance to see God moving and working miracles in their lives.....and in mine.
It was a sweet day for us even though we didn't get to go out. When we got married I worked for the school system and we needed the summer to plan our wedding so we got married 2 weeks before school started. We didn't fast forward several yrs and think that that would mean every year our kids would get school supplies for our anniversary and we would be flat broke. There were gifts for each other and we will go out....some day. :) I feel very proud/thankful of our 14yrs. To say it has been easy would be a lie, we have our issues just like everyone else and there have been times when one or both of us has wanted to throw in the towel, but God is gracious and has walked us through and we are working hard at this thing called life, marriage and family.
Wednesday brought the first day of school which ALWAYS makes me emotional. It brings the reminder that my babies are just getting older, moving on, and we are taking another step in letting go. Megan always takes things in an easy going way, she was nervous but stepped into her first day of 7th grade with the courage I love so much about her. Erika....a whole other story. She started her day insanely grumpy and even hateful to the family. We realized quickly she was pretty scared. I always walk her in (Megan never let me walk her in after Kindergarten) but I think Erika thought 2nd graders don't need mommies and she didn't want people to think she was a baby. She was close to puking, but got out of the car with a look that said you are sending me to my execution and walked in. For the first time EVER I did not cry when I dropped my girls off. I think when she got inside and saw all the mommies there with kids of every age she realized her mistake.
I got home, got out of the car and my cell phone rang. My baby girl was sobbing on the other end begging me to come back. I did. She was sitting in the office silent tears streaming down her face and it was all this mommy could do to hold it together. She proceeded to beg me to take her home with promises she would come the next day. I loved on her and told her I couldn't take her home, but I would walk her to class. More begging, more promises, more tears, and a walk down the hall. I took her in and the sweetest lady I think my girls have ever been blessed to have as teachers walked up to my Erika, hugged her and said "Oh Erika, I'm so glad you are here, I was hoping you would come today." I kissed my girl, walked out, got in my car as quickly as I could and cried the whole way home and for an hour or so. Praying for her through the day. She got off the bus and said it was a great day and she loves her teacher....oh, so do I!!!!
Through out this week we have had multiple conversations with several people... things that have been one blow after another of bad news, heart breaking issues. People we love dearly whom Satan is attacking and situations that at times this week seemed unfix-able. Things that have burdened me so much they have sent me running, laying face down in front of my Father (much like my daughter did Wed.) begging for intervention on behalf of those I love so much. There have been some victories and some times where there are no answers. I don't know what God is doing, and some times trusting is hard, but this morning I am hanging on to the fact my God is STILL God. He loves my family and friends WAY more than I ever could and He didn't step off His throne and not know these things would happen. He is always working out His perfect plan, and His timing and His plans are not always (not usually) my timing or my plans. So while a huge part of me says I want to get off this roller coaster of emotions, being involved in people's lives is too messy and too hard; there is another small part of me that says it is worth the risk. Loving people, being involved, getting dirty, hurting when they hurt, crying when they cry leads to laughing when they laugh and rejoicing when they rejoice and a chance to see God moving and working miracles in their lives.....and in mine.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Your Grace Still Amazes Me!!!
There are a TON of times in my life where I can see God's hand working and I'm sure another TON of times where He was at work and I didn't even realize it. There are, however, 3 very specific times God has worked out circumstances in our lives and He always blows me away!
There have been multiple times in our marriage when we have had only one car. Due to past poor financial decisions we don't have the finances to just go buy a car when we are in need. Sometimes we have been able to work it out to fix our replace a vehicle and sometimes we have to just suck it up and I drive everyone around while we pray about what comes next.
The first time God provided Megan was probably around 2...my uncle had a van that he was ready to get rid of and would give it to a family member who wanted it. WE DID! We met up and filled out paper work and claimed a van that only cost us tags and title. It was an old van, but it met our needs for a couple of years.
The second time God provided was quite some time later we had replaced the tired old van with a used mini van. Sadly, we got "taken" and were sold a lemon and it didn't last long. We were a one car family again. Then one day Rick called me and said "I need you to sit down, a friend has called and wants to know if we want their van. They were gonna sell it, but felt God leading them to offer it to us first." We "bought" their van for insanely low price and once again were blown away by God's provision. Stuff like that doesn't happen twice...right?!?!?
That old van lasted us 3yrs., but a yr ago we were back to being a one car family. I was very bitter this time and struggled with God over it for months. Somewhere around the first of the year God and I worked things out and I realized that anything I have is way more than I deserve. He has never failed to take care of our needs and our wants are just that...wants, sometimes we get them, sometimes we don't. So I determined to drive my family around with a smile in my heart and gratefulness for the things He had blessed us with.
Yesterday afternoon we were getting ready to head out to a church business mtg, church, and running when we received several calls from a family member who was working out a car for us. They called around 4:00 and said the car was ours all we had to do was drive to Cleveland to get it. Once again we have a car that only cost us tags and title. It isn't anything fancy and it is old, but it is wheels that will take my husband back and forth to work and gets about 32 miles a gallon. It will not only save me a lot of time, but it will save us money on gas too!
Why does God keep doing this for us??? I have no idea other than His love and grace go way beyond anything I can fathom! We most certainly don't deserve the way He takes care of us, but He DOES take care of us in spite of ourselves. "His grace still amazes me!"
There have been multiple times in our marriage when we have had only one car. Due to past poor financial decisions we don't have the finances to just go buy a car when we are in need. Sometimes we have been able to work it out to fix our replace a vehicle and sometimes we have to just suck it up and I drive everyone around while we pray about what comes next.
The first time God provided Megan was probably around 2...my uncle had a van that he was ready to get rid of and would give it to a family member who wanted it. WE DID! We met up and filled out paper work and claimed a van that only cost us tags and title. It was an old van, but it met our needs for a couple of years.
The second time God provided was quite some time later we had replaced the tired old van with a used mini van. Sadly, we got "taken" and were sold a lemon and it didn't last long. We were a one car family again. Then one day Rick called me and said "I need you to sit down, a friend has called and wants to know if we want their van. They were gonna sell it, but felt God leading them to offer it to us first." We "bought" their van for insanely low price and once again were blown away by God's provision. Stuff like that doesn't happen twice...right?!?!?
That old van lasted us 3yrs., but a yr ago we were back to being a one car family. I was very bitter this time and struggled with God over it for months. Somewhere around the first of the year God and I worked things out and I realized that anything I have is way more than I deserve. He has never failed to take care of our needs and our wants are just that...wants, sometimes we get them, sometimes we don't. So I determined to drive my family around with a smile in my heart and gratefulness for the things He had blessed us with.
Yesterday afternoon we were getting ready to head out to a church business mtg, church, and running when we received several calls from a family member who was working out a car for us. They called around 4:00 and said the car was ours all we had to do was drive to Cleveland to get it. Once again we have a car that only cost us tags and title. It isn't anything fancy and it is old, but it is wheels that will take my husband back and forth to work and gets about 32 miles a gallon. It will not only save me a lot of time, but it will save us money on gas too!
Why does God keep doing this for us??? I have no idea other than His love and grace go way beyond anything I can fathom! We most certainly don't deserve the way He takes care of us, but He DOES take care of us in spite of ourselves. "His grace still amazes me!"
Friday, July 22, 2011
This is How Jesus Loves
After my "day" Tuesday I really didn't feel like going to Wednesday night church service, but I know myself well enough to know that that is absolutely when I NEED to go to church. I am so very glad I went!
We had a guest speaker who spoke straight to my heart, well God did anyway he just happened to be a great messenger. He spoke from Luke 6:11-17, but even before he finished reading the whole passage my heart/eyes rested on verse 13 "When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, 'Don't cry'".
I read it over and over and it was like the balm I needed.
I could tell you the story behind it, but I would have to re-preach the speaker's message, I challenge you to go read it. To sum up a little; a widow woman's only child has died and she is crying and Jesus sees her and His heart goes out to her. Then comes the point of the message: "This is how Jesus loves. He felt what she felt and was moved emotionally." THEN He did something for her!!! He raises her son to life...He doesn't lose sight of people. He sees their hurts, He feels it, He ministers to it!!!!
I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!
I wrote this verse next to one of my other favorites so I can refer to both of them in trying situations.Zephaniah 3:17 " The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take Great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
I can just sit here forever....knowing that when I am feeling sad, maybe even mad and a little "put out" and then my Jesus says "Don't cry"...and "He quiets me with His love, He rejoices over me with singing"
He is so Awesome! I can't get enough of Him!
We had a guest speaker who spoke straight to my heart, well God did anyway he just happened to be a great messenger. He spoke from Luke 6:11-17, but even before he finished reading the whole passage my heart/eyes rested on verse 13 "When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, 'Don't cry'".
I read it over and over and it was like the balm I needed.
I could tell you the story behind it, but I would have to re-preach the speaker's message, I challenge you to go read it. To sum up a little; a widow woman's only child has died and she is crying and Jesus sees her and His heart goes out to her. Then comes the point of the message: "This is how Jesus loves. He felt what she felt and was moved emotionally." THEN He did something for her!!! He raises her son to life...He doesn't lose sight of people. He sees their hurts, He feels it, He ministers to it!!!!
I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!
I wrote this verse next to one of my other favorites so I can refer to both of them in trying situations.Zephaniah 3:17 " The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take Great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
I can just sit here forever....knowing that when I am feeling sad, maybe even mad and a little "put out" and then my Jesus says "Don't cry"...and "He quiets me with His love, He rejoices over me with singing"
He is so Awesome! I can't get enough of Him!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Having A Day
Today I am having "one of those days". I can't tell you why really, I wish I could. It might make it a little easier to deal with.
Run for God starts back up tonight and despite my best intentions I have not run ONCE since our 5k in June. I woke up this morning, way too early, thinking the same things I thought on the first Run for God day back in February....what if I can't do this, what if my health won't allow it, what if I'm just TOO fat, is it really worth all this, how do I get my kids motivated to do this with us. I KNOW I have already completed this course and finished a 5k, but somehow emotionally I am right back where I started. So today, I am a ball of nerves and craziness.
To tell the truth though, I think it has little to do with running or exercise in general, but more the state of my heart, emotions, and spiritual walk lately. I have tried to keep up with my "read thru the Bible" reading, and praying for friends and family daily constantly thru the day, but to say something is lacking lately is an understatement. 2 Sundays ago we had Charles Stanley on while getting ready for church and I was only half listening but he said something that got me. (I will have to paraphrase) He was talking about prayer and the different types and one of them was bullet prayers .. we shoot them out to God through out the day, and those are great but how long has it been since you sat at the feet of Jesus just because you wanted to be in His presence and just worship??? Immediately I knew it had been too long and I hungered for it right then. Very shortly after that someone in my family made a comment that I have heard a few times in my life and it always hits me like a knife "You are always so negative" OUCH!!!!
It is true I am pretty negative and how much I give out is a direct result of how little I have sat at the feet of my Jesus.
There are a few things in my life right now that I desperately want changed and I haven't truly prayed for God's will in it...I have prayed that God would change them the way I wanted them oh and "give me wisdom to know Your will". I DO want His will, I want to be actively participating in His will for my life, but I have been so negative lately that my thoughts/prayers have been very jaded.
When I allow time to go by without really being in relationship with Jesus Satan always knows that is the best time to attack. Whether it is my short temper with my family, just a laziness to time spent with the Father, anxiety, or negativity towards, let's be honest, pretty much anything and everything.
There are STILL some things in my life I want changed and I honestly believe it is ok to want that.....it is the why, the how, the when, the who that I have to quit trying to control and allow God to work in my heart FIRST, then pray for His will with no strings attached.
So maybe ultimately I DO know why I am having a day,maybe most likely it is my Savior calling my heart back to Him..it is the passage I read this morning Colossians 3:1-2 "Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
"...You've searched much deeper within, through the way things appear. You're looking into my heart. I'm coming back to the heart of worship and it's all about You it's all about You Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it when it's all about You, Jesus."
Run for God starts back up tonight and despite my best intentions I have not run ONCE since our 5k in June. I woke up this morning, way too early, thinking the same things I thought on the first Run for God day back in February....what if I can't do this, what if my health won't allow it, what if I'm just TOO fat, is it really worth all this, how do I get my kids motivated to do this with us. I KNOW I have already completed this course and finished a 5k, but somehow emotionally I am right back where I started. So today, I am a ball of nerves and craziness.
To tell the truth though, I think it has little to do with running or exercise in general, but more the state of my heart, emotions, and spiritual walk lately. I have tried to keep up with my "read thru the Bible" reading, and praying for friends and family daily constantly thru the day, but to say something is lacking lately is an understatement. 2 Sundays ago we had Charles Stanley on while getting ready for church and I was only half listening but he said something that got me. (I will have to paraphrase) He was talking about prayer and the different types and one of them was bullet prayers .. we shoot them out to God through out the day, and those are great but how long has it been since you sat at the feet of Jesus just because you wanted to be in His presence and just worship??? Immediately I knew it had been too long and I hungered for it right then. Very shortly after that someone in my family made a comment that I have heard a few times in my life and it always hits me like a knife "You are always so negative" OUCH!!!!
It is true I am pretty negative and how much I give out is a direct result of how little I have sat at the feet of my Jesus.
There are a few things in my life right now that I desperately want changed and I haven't truly prayed for God's will in it...I have prayed that God would change them the way I wanted them oh and "give me wisdom to know Your will". I DO want His will, I want to be actively participating in His will for my life, but I have been so negative lately that my thoughts/prayers have been very jaded.
When I allow time to go by without really being in relationship with Jesus Satan always knows that is the best time to attack. Whether it is my short temper with my family, just a laziness to time spent with the Father, anxiety, or negativity towards, let's be honest, pretty much anything and everything.
There are STILL some things in my life I want changed and I honestly believe it is ok to want that.....it is the why, the how, the when, the who that I have to quit trying to control and allow God to work in my heart FIRST, then pray for His will with no strings attached.
So maybe ultimately I DO know why I am having a day,
"...You've searched much deeper within, through the way things appear. You're looking into my heart. I'm coming back to the heart of worship and it's all about You it's all about You Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it when it's all about You, Jesus."
Friday, June 3, 2011
Race day thoughts
So much has come and gone since my last entry...a lot I wanted to take the time to put down, but just didn't have a chance. Maybe I will be able to back track soon. Today, though, my mind is filled with thoughts of my first 5k tomorrow. If anyone had told me back before this all started in January that I would not only consider running, but running/walking in a 5k I would not only have laughed, I would have called you a liar and given all kinds of excuses. Yet here we are....I can't honestly say I can run all 3.1 miles, but I can run WAY more than I could in January. Training has been hard, but was going smoothly until April when foot issues set me back and I lost some training days. Then a pretty bad allergy/sinus infection had me running inside on the treadmill which is WAY different from running outside. Especially when this week we started hitting record breaking heat temps and I realized it is gonna be way hotter than I had originally thought on race day. This week I knew I had to get some running in outside. Tuesday night our Run for God group had agreed to meet at the Hixson High track to run our 3 miles. The hope was that by run time at 7:30p.m. it would have cooled off some. NOPE. It was probably around 98 degrees on a blacktop asphalt track....uuggghh. I hadn't eaten anything, I had never had issues with that on evening runs before, but I had been running inside. It was SO hot and I was so focused on not getting dehydrated I missed all the warning signs I know so well that my blood sugar was dropping. I was pretty determined that even if I had to walk since I was so hot I was gonna finish that 3 miles, but lap 8.5 (.5 lap from 2 miles) I realized I was in trouble. I was shaking and feeling like I was gonna faint and/or throw up. I made it to the bleachers where Rick was and let him know my sugar was bottoming out. My friend Carrie walked me to the car to get my glucose tablets and after a while all was well.
Needless to say if you know anything about me and my anxiety, that sent me for a tailspin. I fought my thoughts that whole night. I was suddenly VERY afraid of the heat and running in it....3 miles no less. Rick sent me a great story with a verse in it yesterday and it helped me get back on track with my thoughts. Last night we knew we had to do our last training run in the heat, but we waited until about 8:30 pm and hit the track. Our schedule was 2 miles and while I ran very little I finished my 2 miles and did a lot of praying. It was just what my anxious mind needed. To realize that I can be outside in the heat and exercise and be ok!!
So my thoughts as I head out in a bit to get my race pack and get a peek at the route are...1. You guys who run a lot amaze me!! Sometimes I feel silly being proud of my 2 or 3 miles when I know people running13-26 miles. Ya'll had to start at the bottom too though right?? 2. I really can't believe this is here and that I am gonna do this. 3. I am still nervous, but I'm kinda excited too.
Some things you could pray for me, Rick and the other Run for God friends.....obviously safety in the heat, and physical safety(no injuries),endurance, and that we will have fun! :)
I am praying that I would stay out of my head and lean into my Heavenly Father and stay focused on my music and the message. I am praying that God will Run along side me, be my biggest cheerleader, that He will give me each breath and I will know His presence. Maybe that sounds silly to you, but I say, all along this has truly been a journey for Rick and I WITH our Savior we want HIM to receive the glory for the finish.
Needless to say if you know anything about me and my anxiety, that sent me for a tailspin. I fought my thoughts that whole night. I was suddenly VERY afraid of the heat and running in it....3 miles no less. Rick sent me a great story with a verse in it yesterday and it helped me get back on track with my thoughts. Last night we knew we had to do our last training run in the heat, but we waited until about 8:30 pm and hit the track. Our schedule was 2 miles and while I ran very little I finished my 2 miles and did a lot of praying. It was just what my anxious mind needed. To realize that I can be outside in the heat and exercise and be ok!!
So my thoughts as I head out in a bit to get my race pack and get a peek at the route are...1. You guys who run a lot amaze me!! Sometimes I feel silly being proud of my 2 or 3 miles when I know people running13-26 miles. Ya'll had to start at the bottom too though right?? 2. I really can't believe this is here and that I am gonna do this. 3. I am still nervous, but I'm kinda excited too.
Some things you could pray for me, Rick and the other Run for God friends.....obviously safety in the heat, and physical safety(no injuries),endurance, and that we will have fun! :)
I am praying that I would stay out of my head and lean into my Heavenly Father and stay focused on my music and the message. I am praying that God will Run along side me, be my biggest cheerleader, that He will give me each breath and I will know His presence. Maybe that sounds silly to you, but I say, all along this has truly been a journey for Rick and I WITH our Savior we want HIM to receive the glory for the finish.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Who is the "Jonah" in this house?!?!?!?!
I am sitting down for the first time today....well unless you want to count the hours I logged in the car today... and I feel the need to write down all the craziness going through my mind.
2011 has been quite crazy for us already. Jan ~ Rick commits to a run (ok we can do this) @ Disney World (ok that is expensive but we will work it out, tax $ maybe??) Then here comes February and within days of receiving our income tax return we found out we had septic issues. Septic "issues" turns into new field lines and let's just say we weren't expecting that. We are incredibly grateful that God provided the money between income tax and a bonus from Rick's work we were able to pay for everything. Had it been any other time of yr we would have had no idea how we would have paid for it. BUT that leaves us wondering how do we pay for Disney and realizing buying a car this yr most likely won't happen. Oh, yeah did I not mention that?? Yes, we are a one car family I drive them all in the morning, then I go pick them up again in the afternoon. I have argued with God about this so often I can count it anymore. And again I say God is good. He has blessed us with one good car that can handle all the driving we do.
Training for Run for God has brought on aches and pains we sorta expected but kinda hope you don't get...Rick is having calf pain, Megan knee pain, and me...yeah well I never go the easy route - foot pain, I will explain in a minute. Last week was my birthday. I turned 35...gggrrrr. It has been quite yucky if I am being honest. Two days before my bday we are in the mall shopping for Easter clothes and Erika (who walk directly in front of me..ALWAYS) decided to stop walking ON MY FOOT. I DID NOT stop walking. Hence a tumble to the floor in the middle of the mall and I try to catch all of me (it isn't little!) on one hand/arm. Yup, you already know that doesn't work, sprained wrist and elbow. I decided though that it isn't broke so I will just trust God to heal, 'cuz I really can't afford 2 Dr. visits and my priority is my foot. That brings us up to this past Saturday the day before Easter....It is a yard work day. We (everyone but Erika) got into some poison ivy and I got some strange insect bite. Megan and Rick have swollen eyes and my arms and legs look like I have leprosy but we are a good Baptist family...... We suck it up and go to church. (I was just vain enough to stick my aching foot in some "cute" shoes, forget the pain!) By this morning Rick and Megan are miserable, swollen, and itchy. I head to the foot Dr. She gives me the news I was dreading..I'm gonna need a cortizon shot in my heel for plantar fasciitis and I have 3 warts she will shave and medicate (eeewww gross, I have never had a wart I was completely grossed out) and send me home with some crazy looking sock I should sleep in and some exercises I should do everyday and no running tomorrow (big sigh...can you hear my relief eeerr I mean dismay) Leave there, pick Rick take him to Urgent Care for a shot and a script, then pick up Megan for a shot and a script......
Finally driving home I am thinking of all this stuff and some personal things happening in our lives that I won't mention here (things that seem to be rocking our world) and I am thinking (screaming) @ God "WHO IS THE JONAH HERE??? What are we not doing that we should be doing?" Honestly, I felt like God laughed at me! It was like He was saying "Chill out girl, some of this is just life" I do think God is refining our family lately maybe even testing our faith, stretching us to see if we will crumble or press on. Today I have felt like crumbling a bit. In these tough times I always think of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendigo when they are about to be thrown in the fiery furnace and they tell the King 'The God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king, BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT...." I have always been afraid of the "But if He doesn't" what if He chooses NOT to remove this trial??? That makes me think of what Rick says over and over in Run for God "God gets all the glory for this" He is referring to the 5k yes, but also life. I want to come out of this (and each trial we face) and say God gets all the glory. I can't walk this road by myself if you know me much at all you know without my Jesus (and sometimes with) I am nut case. I NEED Him everyday, and I WANT Him to be pleased with how I respond to each trial, each testing, each stretching of my faith, and even just this crazy life and the normalcy of our craziness.
Before I sat down to whine I mean tell you about our journey right now I did what I do a lot these days. I sat down with my Bible and my list of verses that grows longer each year. The verses I can turn to when I know I need a promise from God, our maybe even a spanking, or a reality check. This afternoon I am hanging onto Ps. 61:5-8 5. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. 6. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. 7. My salvation and my honor depend on God; 8. Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah.
That's it, that's my insane thoughts for today. I gotta go soak myself in caladryl before I scratch my skin off.
2011 has been quite crazy for us already. Jan ~ Rick commits to a run (ok we can do this) @ Disney World (ok that is expensive but we will work it out, tax $ maybe??) Then here comes February and within days of receiving our income tax return we found out we had septic issues. Septic "issues" turns into new field lines and let's just say we weren't expecting that. We are incredibly grateful that God provided the money between income tax and a bonus from Rick's work we were able to pay for everything. Had it been any other time of yr we would have had no idea how we would have paid for it. BUT that leaves us wondering how do we pay for Disney and realizing buying a car this yr most likely won't happen. Oh, yeah did I not mention that?? Yes, we are a one car family I drive them all in the morning, then I go pick them up again in the afternoon. I have argued with God about this so often I can count it anymore. And again I say God is good. He has blessed us with one good car that can handle all the driving we do.
Training for Run for God has brought on aches and pains we sorta expected but kinda hope you don't get...Rick is having calf pain, Megan knee pain, and me...yeah well I never go the easy route - foot pain, I will explain in a minute. Last week was my birthday. I turned 35...gggrrrr. It has been quite yucky if I am being honest. Two days before my bday we are in the mall shopping for Easter clothes and Erika (who walk directly in front of me..ALWAYS) decided to stop walking ON MY FOOT. I DID NOT stop walking. Hence a tumble to the floor in the middle of the mall and I try to catch all of me (it isn't little!) on one hand/arm. Yup, you already know that doesn't work, sprained wrist and elbow. I decided though that it isn't broke so I will just trust God to heal, 'cuz I really can't afford 2 Dr. visits and my priority is my foot. That brings us up to this past Saturday the day before Easter....It is a yard work day. We (everyone but Erika) got into some poison ivy and I got some strange insect bite. Megan and Rick have swollen eyes and my arms and legs look like I have leprosy but we are a good Baptist family...... We suck it up and go to church. (I was just vain enough to stick my aching foot in some "cute" shoes, forget the pain!) By this morning Rick and Megan are miserable, swollen, and itchy. I head to the foot Dr. She gives me the news I was dreading..I'm gonna need a cortizon shot in my heel for plantar fasciitis and I have 3 warts she will shave and medicate (eeewww gross, I have never had a wart I was completely grossed out) and send me home with some crazy looking sock I should sleep in and some exercises I should do everyday and no running tomorrow (big sigh...can you hear my relief eeerr I mean dismay) Leave there, pick Rick take him to Urgent Care for a shot and a script, then pick up Megan for a shot and a script......
Finally driving home I am thinking of all this stuff and some personal things happening in our lives that I won't mention here (things that seem to be rocking our world) and I am thinking (screaming) @ God "WHO IS THE JONAH HERE??? What are we not doing that we should be doing?" Honestly, I felt like God laughed at me! It was like He was saying "Chill out girl, some of this is just life" I do think God is refining our family lately maybe even testing our faith, stretching us to see if we will crumble or press on. Today I have felt like crumbling a bit. In these tough times I always think of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendigo when they are about to be thrown in the fiery furnace and they tell the King 'The God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king, BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT...." I have always been afraid of the "But if He doesn't" what if He chooses NOT to remove this trial??? That makes me think of what Rick says over and over in Run for God "God gets all the glory for this" He is referring to the 5k yes, but also life. I want to come out of this (and each trial we face) and say God gets all the glory. I can't walk this road by myself if you know me much at all you know without my Jesus (and sometimes with) I am nut case. I NEED Him everyday, and I WANT Him to be pleased with how I respond to each trial, each testing, each stretching of my faith, and even just this crazy life and the normalcy of our craziness.
Before I sat down to whine I mean tell you about our journey right now I did what I do a lot these days. I sat down with my Bible and my list of verses that grows longer each year. The verses I can turn to when I know I need a promise from God, our maybe even a spanking, or a reality check. This afternoon I am hanging onto Ps. 61:5-8 5. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. 6. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. 7. My salvation and my honor depend on God; 8. Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah.
That's it, that's my insane thoughts for today. I gotta go soak myself in caladryl before I scratch my skin off.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
My Grandparents
We just returned home Friday night from a trip to Texas to visit my Grandparents as well as any Aunts, Uncles and cousins we could fit in time to see. It had been 2 1/2 yrs since we had seen them....waaay too long. When you live 13 hrs away and have busy lives it makes it hard to make that trip. Realizing though that my time with my grandparents gets shorter and shorter I knew we had to adjust our schedules and make the trip. It was a time I don't think I will ever forget. My grandfather's health has been up and down for awhile now and my grandmother, who has struggled with memory loss for quite a few yrs, was finally diagnosed with Alzheimer's. We don't know how long it will be before she doesn't know who we are, but I knew I wanted to go before she forgot who I was.
After talking with my mom, and Aunts and Uncle it turned into a trip that would be kept as a surprise for them. That was a lot of fun!! I left TN bracing myself for the worst and hoping for the best. I knew a lot of time and health issues had come and gone in the 2.5 yrs since I had seen them and I really wasn't sure what to expect. Pawpaw looked a little more frail and Mawmaw of course would ask the same things over and over again, but all in all it wasn't the worst I had braced myself for. She remembered Rick and I right away, she remembered the girls just not their names. Pawpaw smiled from ear to ear for at least 3hrs. after we surprised them. That was pretty worth the 13hr drive.
My grandmother had a procedure done while we were there and that left her needing to be still and sit and allow us to do all the cooking, cleaning up, laundry etc. If you knew my Mawmaw you would know that is virtually impossible. For as long as I have known her, her goal was to make sure we were all fed. "Everyone comes to Mawmaw's to eat her roast and rice and gravy" The pic above with us all around a table...that was just how it was. It was a lot of work to keep her in the chair. Not just because she wanted to do everything for us, but because she would forget why she needed to be still or that we had already planned out supper. I would tell her over and over when she would tell me I didn't come to her house to take care of her.."Mawmaw, you have fed me and waited on me all my life, NOW it is my turn to take care of you. Please, let me do this for you" She would accept and then a few min. later we would do it all again. I was forced to remember over and over all that she had done for me over the yrs. She is an amazing woman!
As you can see in the pics, my girls love Pawpaw. They used to be able to get up in his lap, but pain (and their age, HA) prevent that anymore. He use to get down in the floor and tickle them or pinch them with his toes, not this time. He DID go out for 3hrs with my husband. Rick took him to run errands and mark things off his list. They had a good time and Pawpaw was happy to get out and about. He also "worked" out in the yard with Rick. (Rick worked, Pawpaw pointed and directed) A year ago we weren't sure Pawpaw would get out of the bed again so seeing him busy was a wonderful thing. One night I took Mawmaw grocery shopping. She patted me on my leg while we were driving and said "This is nice. Just you and I getting to do something by ourselves" I realized I don't think she and I have ever done anything by ourselves. It was just the grocery store, and she already doesn't remember going with me, but I remember and I will remember that little trip forever.
As we drove home and I went through the week in my mind as well as memories from the past my heart was full of mixed emotions. Sad for the road my Mawmaw is traveling. Thankful for the memories I made this week as well as the ones I've had. I thought about the work ethic they have. They are by far the hardest working people I have ever know, and they have instilled that in their children, and grandchildren. My Pawpaw served in the military, retired from Texaco, drove a school bus for yrs, and even was a landlord for yrs. Mawmaw raised her family and then drove a school bus for yrs as well. All while taking care of their home and massive yard which they gardened in for yrs. They have a passionate love for the country and will be happy to talk war, politics, gas prices etc at any time. :)
They are a testimony to staying married. They have been married 62 yrs. Pawpaw and I were talking about that while I was there. All of their children and grandchildren who have married have stayed married. What a testimony to honoring their vows to each other and instilling that in their family. Their legacy is amazing. They have 4 children, 3 son-in-laws, 1 daughter-in-law, 13 grandchildren(pic above of some of us), 11 grandkid-in-laws and 24 great-grandchildren (pic above of just a few).
I could go on and on about them for hours to tell you all that I have learned from them, but I will stop. On the way home, while walking down memory lane I kept thinking about yrs ago when they loved the Judds and the song "Grandpa, Tell Me 'Bout The Good Ole Days" kept going through my head. They may not remember the past and their memories a lot longer especially Mawmaw, but we their family will, I WILL. Memories/Stories we will pass on to our kids.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Learning From Running
I have been thinking today about what I have learned so far from Run for God as well as learning to run in general.
First of all, I am as out of shape as I thought I was if not more.
Second, this is has been as hard as I thought it would be in some ways and easier than I thought in others.
Third, Satan really cares about this family running (or not), especially on Tuesdays when we meet with our Run for God group.
When Rick told our family he was going to run the Disney Half Marathon in Jan of 2012 I didn't think much about it until I realized he was very serious. I knew I had been trying for a very long time to get our family active together and if this was what he was going to do then we as a family would have to join in to support him. I wasn't too sure about a Half Marathon, so I committed the kids and I to the Family Fun Run 5k @ Disney. Immediately he began to tell people about his commitment so that people would hold him accountable. Someone told him about Run for God, we looked into it and he got really excited, I just got intrigued and a little nervous. I realized we were really going to do this. uuuggghhh
It has been an amazing time for our family. Even in Jan as we began walking and hiking just trying to build up stamina (without needing oxygen) until Run for God started in March. We have learned a lot about each other. There is always one of us who wants to quit and at least 2 of us encouraging each other on. This time together, for me, is one of the biggest bonuses of running.
I have aches and pains, but none of the ones I thought I would have. My knees are terrible, part genetics, part tearing some ligaments in one knee in H.S. (running, of course), and partly from falling down some stairs and spraining the other knee. I can predict the weather with my knees. Yet, the soreness in my knees has been very minimal. A God thing I would say. I also have asthma, but as long as I pre-treat I have had ZERO issue with that too. Another God thing. The hardest part hasn't been physical, but mental.
The thought of finishing a 5k has gone from being something I felt there was no way on God's green earth I could do; to actually believing that I can do it. Each work out is a little easier. Don't get me wrong I still argue with myself every Tues, Thurs, and Saturday but when I DO follow through I feel so amazing. My body aches, but mentally I know I finished something I never thought I could do. Spiritually though, I know that without my Jesus this would not be possible for me. My relationship with Him becomes deeper each run. From complaining to Him about the running, to praying for my fellow runners, to praying for needs for family and friends, to just praising and worshiping Him, to claiming promises from His Word. It is quickly becoming a special time with my Savior. One of the other big bonuses of running.
Rick talks every week about God getting all the glory when we cross that finish line and that I'm sure is why Satan cares if we run or not. So I run not because I can, but because I want my Jesus to be glorified through me. I'm amazed that God cares about things like running and getting fit, but I know He does care. He cares about everything that matters to us, and He cares because He will receive the glory. Satan won't win, He will. THAT is the biggest bonus of all!
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1
First of all, I am as out of shape as I thought I was if not more.
Second, this is has been as hard as I thought it would be in some ways and easier than I thought in others.
Third, Satan really cares about this family running (or not), especially on Tuesdays when we meet with our Run for God group.
When Rick told our family he was going to run the Disney Half Marathon in Jan of 2012 I didn't think much about it until I realized he was very serious. I knew I had been trying for a very long time to get our family active together and if this was what he was going to do then we as a family would have to join in to support him. I wasn't too sure about a Half Marathon, so I committed the kids and I to the Family Fun Run 5k @ Disney. Immediately he began to tell people about his commitment so that people would hold him accountable. Someone told him about Run for God, we looked into it and he got really excited, I just got intrigued and a little nervous. I realized we were really going to do this. uuuggghhh
It has been an amazing time for our family. Even in Jan as we began walking and hiking just trying to build up stamina (without needing oxygen) until Run for God started in March. We have learned a lot about each other. There is always one of us who wants to quit and at least 2 of us encouraging each other on. This time together, for me, is one of the biggest bonuses of running.
I have aches and pains, but none of the ones I thought I would have. My knees are terrible, part genetics, part tearing some ligaments in one knee in H.S. (running, of course), and partly from falling down some stairs and spraining the other knee. I can predict the weather with my knees. Yet, the soreness in my knees has been very minimal. A God thing I would say. I also have asthma, but as long as I pre-treat I have had ZERO issue with that too. Another God thing. The hardest part hasn't been physical, but mental.
The thought of finishing a 5k has gone from being something I felt there was no way on God's green earth I could do; to actually believing that I can do it. Each work out is a little easier. Don't get me wrong I still argue with myself every Tues, Thurs, and Saturday but when I DO follow through I feel so amazing. My body aches, but mentally I know I finished something I never thought I could do. Spiritually though, I know that without my Jesus this would not be possible for me. My relationship with Him becomes deeper each run. From complaining to Him about the running, to praying for my fellow runners, to praying for needs for family and friends, to just praising and worshiping Him, to claiming promises from His Word. It is quickly becoming a special time with my Savior. One of the other big bonuses of running.
Rick talks every week about God getting all the glory when we cross that finish line and that I'm sure is why Satan cares if we run or not. So I run not because I can, but because I want my Jesus to be glorified through me. I'm amazed that God cares about things like running and getting fit, but I know He does care. He cares about everything that matters to us, and He cares because He will receive the glory. Satan won't win, He will. THAT is the biggest bonus of all!
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1
Monday, March 7, 2011
ME??? A Blogger???
I'm not sure how many times I have said "I'm not a blogger", but I'm sure it has been more than a few times. Lately though, I find myself with a lot of things going through my mind that need to come out. Facebook isn't the place, and when I try to tell them to my husband he seems to go into what I call the "uh-huh mode". You know what I'm talking about...tune out wife, say uh-huh every once in awhile, hope it fits in the conversation. No offense honey, I know I can go on and on about not much. SO, I decided to start a blog , if for no one else but myself (which I realized is easier said than done, I think I may need a blogging for dummies book). Finally I will have a place to put down all those thoughts and maybe my brain will shut off at night and I can sleep.
If you know me well you know that fear/anxiety is a struggle for me. It seems to come in waves, but when it is here it stays for awhile. I realize it is that fiery dart that Satan fires at me often, and trusting HIM is something God calls me to often. I'm very confident of my salvation (although I haven't always been), yet dieing is something I am very afraid of. I honestly could give you several reasons, none of them good ones. Recently I read in a book where the author had written a prayer..."I want to want your will Lord" How many times have I tried to give God a lot of reasons why HE should want MY will??? "Wanting to want HIS will " has become a daily prayer for me. One of the things that has helped bring it home for me was going to the funeral of the lady who was my "surrogate grandmother" as my dad called her at her funeral. It was a lot harder than I though it would be for a lot of different reasons, fear being one of them. There was a sweet older couple sitting in front of us who I would guess was in their 70's or so. I didn't know them and I am sure they had no idea who I was. Towards the end of the funeral someone sang Beulah Land, not an unusual funeral song. But this man you could tell REALLY was longing for "home" and as he began to shout GLORY, and wave his hankie in the air tears began to stream down my face. I was beginning to realize Heaven really IS my home!!!! This earth is a place I am just passing through. Dieing isn't something to fear, but to look forward to!! I have 2 sweet children here, but they have secured their eternity. I also have 3 precious ones I have never met there, I can't wait for that day!
I am positive Satan will continue to shoot the fiery dart of fear at me, and some days it will be a big struggle to trust in my Heavenly Father. For now though I know that I can go running into His arms, crawl up in His lap, and say "Daddy, I'm scared" and I know that He will quiet me with His love and sing over me. I know this because He tells me so in Zephaniah 3:17, I cling to this verse every day.
This blog is intended for me to have a place to put these kinda thoughts, I am learning daily how to live for my Jesus. I want my life to count for HIM. I want to point others to Him. I want to be able to say, when I do reach Heaven, I failed often, but I loved my Jesus and lived my life for Him. I am sure I will be learning how to live until that day.
If you know me well you know that fear/anxiety is a struggle for me. It seems to come in waves, but when it is here it stays for awhile. I realize it is that fiery dart that Satan fires at me often, and trusting HIM is something God calls me to often. I'm very confident of my salvation (although I haven't always been), yet dieing is something I am very afraid of. I honestly could give you several reasons, none of them good ones. Recently I read in a book where the author had written a prayer..."I want to want your will Lord" How many times have I tried to give God a lot of reasons why HE should want MY will??? "Wanting to want HIS will " has become a daily prayer for me. One of the things that has helped bring it home for me was going to the funeral of the lady who was my "surrogate grandmother" as my dad called her at her funeral. It was a lot harder than I though it would be for a lot of different reasons, fear being one of them. There was a sweet older couple sitting in front of us who I would guess was in their 70's or so. I didn't know them and I am sure they had no idea who I was. Towards the end of the funeral someone sang Beulah Land, not an unusual funeral song. But this man you could tell REALLY was longing for "home" and as he began to shout GLORY, and wave his hankie in the air tears began to stream down my face. I was beginning to realize Heaven really IS my home!!!! This earth is a place I am just passing through. Dieing isn't something to fear, but to look forward to!! I have 2 sweet children here, but they have secured their eternity. I also have 3 precious ones I have never met there, I can't wait for that day!
I am positive Satan will continue to shoot the fiery dart of fear at me, and some days it will be a big struggle to trust in my Heavenly Father. For now though I know that I can go running into His arms, crawl up in His lap, and say "Daddy, I'm scared" and I know that He will quiet me with His love and sing over me. I know this because He tells me so in Zephaniah 3:17, I cling to this verse every day.
This blog is intended for me to have a place to put these kinda thoughts, I am learning daily how to live for my Jesus. I want my life to count for HIM. I want to point others to Him. I want to be able to say, when I do reach Heaven, I failed often, but I loved my Jesus and lived my life for Him. I am sure I will be learning how to live until that day.
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