Run for God starts back up tonight and despite my best intentions I have not run ONCE since our 5k in June. I woke up this morning, way too early, thinking the same things I thought on the first Run for God day back in February....what if I can't do this, what if my health won't allow it, what if I'm just TOO fat, is it really worth all this, how do I get my kids motivated to do this with us. I KNOW I have already completed this course and finished a 5k, but somehow emotionally I am right back where I started. So today, I am a ball of nerves and craziness.
To tell the truth though, I think it has little to do with running or exercise in general, but more the state of my heart, emotions, and spiritual walk lately. I have tried to keep up with my "read thru the Bible" reading, and praying for friends and family daily constantly thru the day, but to say something is lacking lately is an understatement. 2 Sundays ago we had Charles Stanley on while getting ready for church and I was only half listening but he said something that got me. (I will have to paraphrase) He was talking about prayer and the different types and one of them was bullet prayers .. we shoot them out to God through out the day, and those are great but how long has it been since you sat at the feet of Jesus just because you wanted to be in His presence and just worship??? Immediately I knew it had been too long and I hungered for it right then. Very shortly after that someone in my family made a comment that I have heard a few times in my life and it always hits me like a knife "You are always so negative" OUCH!!!!
It is true I am pretty negative and how much I give out is a direct result of how little I have sat at the feet of my Jesus.
There are a few things in my life right now that I desperately want changed and I haven't truly prayed for God's will in it...I have prayed that God would change them the way I wanted them oh and "give me wisdom to know Your will". I DO want His will, I want to be actively participating in His will for my life, but I have been so negative lately that my thoughts/prayers have been very jaded.
When I allow time to go by without really being in relationship with Jesus Satan always knows that is the best time to attack. Whether it is my short temper with my family, just a laziness to time spent with the Father, anxiety, or negativity towards, let's be honest, pretty much anything and everything.
There are STILL some things in my life I want changed and I honestly believe it is ok to want that.....it is the why, the how, the when, the who that I have to quit trying to control and allow God to work in my heart FIRST, then pray for His will with no strings attached.
So maybe ultimately I DO know why I am having a day,
"...You've searched much deeper within, through the way things appear. You're looking into my heart. I'm coming back to the heart of worship and it's all about You it's all about You Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it when it's all about You, Jesus."
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