I'm not sure how many times I have said "I'm not a blogger", but I'm sure it has been more than a few times. Lately though, I find myself with a lot of things going through my mind that need to come out. Facebook isn't the place, and when I try to tell them to my husband he seems to go into what I call the "uh-huh mode". You know what I'm talking about...tune out wife, say uh-huh every once in awhile, hope it fits in the conversation. No offense honey, I know I can go on and on about not much. SO, I decided to start a blog , if for no one else but myself (which I realized is easier said than done, I think I may need a blogging for dummies book). Finally I will have a place to put down all those thoughts and maybe my brain will shut off at night and I can sleep.
If you know me well you know that fear/anxiety is a struggle for me. It seems to come in waves, but when it is here it stays for awhile. I realize it is that fiery dart that Satan fires at me often, and trusting HIM is something God calls me to often. I'm very confident of my salvation (although I haven't always been), yet dieing is something I am very afraid of. I honestly could give you several reasons, none of them good ones. Recently I read in a book where the author had written a prayer..."I want to want your will Lord" How many times have I tried to give God a lot of reasons why HE should want MY will??? "Wanting to want HIS will " has become a daily prayer for me. One of the things that has helped bring it home for me was going to the funeral of the lady who was my "surrogate grandmother" as my dad called her at her funeral. It was a lot harder than I though it would be for a lot of different reasons, fear being one of them. There was a sweet older couple sitting in front of us who I would guess was in their 70's or so. I didn't know them and I am sure they had no idea who I was. Towards the end of the funeral someone sang Beulah Land, not an unusual funeral song. But this man you could tell REALLY was longing for "home" and as he began to shout GLORY, and wave his hankie in the air tears began to stream down my face. I was beginning to realize Heaven really IS my home!!!! This earth is a place I am just passing through. Dieing isn't something to fear, but to look forward to!! I have 2 sweet children here, but they have secured their eternity. I also have 3 precious ones I have never met there, I can't wait for that day!
I am positive Satan will continue to shoot the fiery dart of fear at me, and some days it will be a big struggle to trust in my Heavenly Father. For now though I know that I can go running into His arms, crawl up in His lap, and say "Daddy, I'm scared" and I know that He will quiet me with His love and sing over me. I know this because He tells me so in Zephaniah 3:17, I cling to this verse every day.
This blog is intended for me to have a place to put these kinda thoughts, I am learning daily how to live for my Jesus. I want my life to count for HIM. I want to point others to Him. I want to be able to say, when I do reach Heaven, I failed often, but I loved my Jesus and lived my life for Him. I am sure I will be learning how to live until that day.
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